Friday, October 29, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
As I watch my hetro friends and family I often sit back and shake my head while asking why? Men and women are so different. Men never want their women to change and women want nothing more than for their men to change. I know there are some fantastic hetro relationships out there but as for me and mine;
I'm Dang glad to be Gay!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Joe is a member of the LDS church and John is not. Joe spent many years away from the church after having served an active LDS mission. During his time away from the church he attended Seminary and received his Pastors certificate in another faith. This is a lifetime appointment and is not taken if one chooses to leave the faith. During this time he met his partner to be, John. The two of them moved to the state where they currently reside. Sometime during this time period they were legally married in a state where Same Sex Marriages are performed. They live together as Full Partners with every "advantage" that attends marriage. In other words they have a very full active sex life. Sometime along the way Joe decided that he would like to begin attending the LDS church again. To make a long story short he was soon back into full activity and fellowship within the church. His Bishop, His Stake President, and the High council have been fully aware of his Partnership from day one. His partner is not LDS and does not attend church with him but does attend most any and all church activities and once in awhile a church service with Joe. The two of them have home teachers who visit regularly. Most important to note is that his local church leadership are fully aware that he is living with his partner, that they were legally married in another state and that they are enjoying the "benefits" of marriage (sex). Joe then proceeded to tell me of the recent renewal of his Temple Recommend and the regular use thereof. Once again I am not sharing my own story but that of another. He has shared this with me first hand and unless he is lying the story is valid to the best of my knowledge. I would like to find a way to tell for sure if his story is accurate? Does anyone out there know of any similar experiences?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Not only is this a changing growing experience for myself but for everyone around me who has to deal with the fact that I am gay. My Family, my church, my friends, I have seen them all morph, some for the better some for the worse. Last Friday I went to a game night with my bro and his wife. The first Friday of every month they meet with about twenty to thirty of their friends from the ward to play games and EAT! While there the women kept coming up to me and hugging me or putting their arm around me and welcoming me, keep in mind my bro had told most in the ward that I was Gay before I even started attending. The women were going out of their way to make this Gay brother of their good friend feel welcome and the men, bless their hearts were having an extremely difficult time even saying hi to me. Not that they were showing hatred and anger, just confusion and uncertain as to how to act around a gay guy. I think many of them will come around, some wont but many will. The hostess approached me and began to inform me that I was invited to become a permanent guest at their little gatherings. she told me that most people came with their spouse, but some came with their date or "partner". (I loved how she threw in Partner) I laughed and said, "I can only imagine how everyone would act if I ever showed up with a "partner". She got real serious and looked at me and said, "You are welcome here anytime with "anyone" boyfriend, girlfriend your welcome". WOW! This was a first for me, so different from my experience with church members in Utah. My third time attending this ward one of the Sisters found out about me and attempts to line me up with her gay friend. Three sisters standing outside the Relief Society room attempting to find me a boy. There are those who despise me here too but I am also seeing a much better side of Mormondom. Two of my brothers friends from the Ward arranged to take him skeet shooting this mornin and he invited me to tag along. I was somewhat, OK not somewhat, a whole lot uncomfortable with the whole situation. Keep in mind the men in the ward don't know how to act around me. It didn't take long before we were all just friends, not str8 men with a gay man but equal human beings out having fun. As we were all readying to depart one of the men came up to me, took my hand into his to shake with his other hand on top of the back of my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, "I am really glad you were able to come and that I was able to get to know you". It felt like he was trying to say "I am sorry I misjudged you and after getting to know you realize that you are just a normal decent guy". It felt extremely sincere.
For any of you who have read my blog you well know that many in my family have been absolute poops through my coming out, and that is putting it mildly. For mothers day I sent my mom Carol Lyn Pearson's book No More Goodbyes. Last week I found out that she had not started the book and had no real intentions of doing so. My older brother and his family were on their way to Nauvoo this week to do a pageant of some sorts so I called his wife and asked her if she would go pick up two books from my mom and bring them to me. She asked what books and I told her that mom would know if she just said I want the books back. She asked her husband my brother to pick them up on his way home from work. Mom gave them to him and he walked to his car before looking to see what they were. Important to note this bro is not "Good" with my gayness. I feared he would throw the books away if he knew what they were. Instead he walked back into the house handed them to Mom and said, "Mom I cant take them, I can't get rid of the feeling that you need to read them and you need to start now". WOW! Blew my mind when I heard this. He left and I hadn't heard from mom until this afternoon about what happened. This afternoon she called and informed me that she had been reading "the book". She then began apologizing for how horrible she, the family and the world had treated me. She said that what she read really opened her eyes to what gay men go through, especially gay men within the Mormon church. She said she felt sick that "my People" had suffered so much because of people like her. She told me that she was going to have a talk with each of my siblings and let them know how she now feels about the whole thing. She said that she was going to try to get my twin to read Carol Lynn's book. To be honest I doubt he will but then again I thought my Mom really wouldn't either. Even if she goes back to the way she was it was worth it just to hear her say the things she said today and to actually apologize for what she has done. As any who has gone through this with families who turn on them know it makes life hell. It is almost indescribable what it feels like to have people who you thought loved you turn on you merely because you are gay. To have your twin brother, your literal other half who you have been inseparable with, say some of the most vile horrible things to you. To know that they think you are the lowest of low the worst of the worst. The pain goes so deep that it can literally cause one to temporarily loose the will to live. But I sit back today and thank God that with the help of some good friends I was able to make it through those darkest of days, for if I had ended things when they were at their worst I never would have known the love and joy that I now experience. I never would have met some of the best people I have ever known. I never would have known true love. It is still a day to day roller coaster ride but the lows are not so low and the highs are. . . well, they're great! And the best part is that I am able to help others as a result of having gone through it myself. It will be interesting to see where life's changes take me next. My heart feels deep love and compassion for those who chose death over life. They just didn't understand that things could get better. I hope that as you read this you can see that even some of the worst scenarios have the possibility of turning out OK if you will but see things to the end. For now I don't have any expectations where the family is concerned what I will do is enjoy the good moments when they occur. And endure the not so good ones as they arise. And as a side effect of having finally accepted who I am I have experienced the fantastic Morph of the Body as well as the soul. After accepting myself I was finally able to let go of the wieght. I started losing weight one year ago this month. During this period I have lost just over 160 Lbs and am actually allowing myself to "Crush".
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I've noticed that people develop crushes and then are afraid to let the crushee know they liked. So here's the challenge, Do something nice for that person and see how they react. If they respond kindly or return inkind then you may just have a chance, take the next risk and ask them out. Go ahead take the risk what have you got to loose? The worst that can happen is that you may hear the word NO.
Why is it that mankind is afraid to let their feelings be known? Why are we afraid to let someone know we think they are a pretty decent guy and would like to get to know them better? I fall into this trap myself. If by some chance you happen to be on the receiving end of this challenge treat the person with respect. If you like them jump at the chance to get to know them better, if you don't like em so much then be nice but simply decline the offer respectfully. A simple line like, "thanks but I'm not really interested in going out". Short, honest and to the point. Hey what a novel idea, "Get Rid of the Mind Game" part of the dating game! Come on boys lets do it right, get out there and let that special someone know you think they're Hot!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I have recently had the blessed opportunity of working with some of the best people I know who were also abused as children. I have come to dearly love these individuals and have come to truly and completely admire them for the courage they have shown in coming forth and dealing with the shit that these abusing monsters inflicted upon them.
One of the similarities I have noticed is as I have mentioned before, people like to blame the Gay thing on the abuse. It just is not true. If abuse were to blame to for sexual orientation there would be so many more gay people. Most people I know who were sexually abused as children are hetro. I think the percentages who are gay are rather small. Anyone who reads this and has a story to share I would love to hear your story.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
I recently had a lady contact me who had been involved with the same group who abused me as a child. She is having a hard time dealing with what happened to her as a child. Working with her has been difficult because it has brought to surface many emotions and memories that I didn't care to have brought to surface. Though it has been difficult this individual desperately needed someone who understood to listen to her and help her realize that she is not crazy, that none of this was her fault. As we talked and she discovered that some of the same people were involved and that they took us to many of the same places her fears and anxieties were somewhat dissipated.
I have had the opportunity of getting to know another young man who was abused as a child and have been able to see him grow in leaps and bounds. (ya I'm talking about you g)
Two others have written telling me of the horrors they endured as children.
Though the purpose of this blog is not necessarily to talk about my childhood abuse I will continue to share some of it from time to time in the hope that those of you out there in the moho blogosphere who have remained silent about the abuse which may have taken place in your life may know that you are not alone, that you do not have to hide that part of your life. That there are others out there who know what you have gone through and who understand. I think the most common fear that I have heard from the moho's who have written me about their abuse is that if people find out they were sexually abused as a child then they will come to the conclusion that the abuse caused them to be Gay. Many have expressed the deep rooted feelings that they know within their very core that the abuse had nothing to do with their being gay. For those dealing with both abuse and being gay, my heart goes out to you, but also listen intently to what I had to say earlier in this post, for I truly would not change a thing from my past. The day will come when you are grateful for the abuse, in a weird sort of way. I know that sounds crazy but there are things you have learned and traits you have developed because of it that are of infinite worth. Learn and grow from them, accept who and what you are and that your past has created the present you. Without your past you wouldn't be who you are today. And for that we can thank the damn bastards! And then hope the Lord deals them theirs in the next life. By so doing you are able to somewhat forgive, move on and spend the rest of your life helping others who so desperately need you.
Isn't it funny how much abuse victims and moho's have in common?
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Sometimes I just want to say "Damn It All To Hell" when it comes to how many people react to my coming out. The saddest part is that the worst offenders are my Mormon family and friends. Why is it that when it comes to this subject they seem to throw the most important teachings of the Saviour right out the window? What happened to Love the Lord thy God. . . and the second like unto it, Love thy neighbor. . . Why is it that the most important teachings of all get so overlooked by so many self proclaimed righteous individuals?
Another Nephew was told that his Uncle (Me) was gay this evening. He has spent the evening in tears and refuses to talk to me. I know I need to have patience, but what I don't understand are Church leaders who know that what they teach is causing people to react this way and yet they basically do nothing about it. Once again, "Where are the teachings of the Savior?
My heart breaks for another nephew because they have to suffer so as a result of what they have been taught.
Like I said, Damn IT!
I am finally in Kansas City and settling in with my new Job. Hopefully Ill have time to share a bit more regarding the abuse I endured as a child. I have had a number of people email me asking why I stopped. It got difficult to write so I needed a break, but think I'm ready to start again.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Memory; a simple yet powerfully complicated word. This word has less understanding for me and has brought more anguish to my life than almost any other word in the English language. Memories have brought joy to my life, confusion, pain, anguish, they have brought tears of ecstasy, they have brought me to the edge of suicide. It would be nice if we had the choice of which to keep and which to discard. For too many years I thought I had control of this act, I thought I could keep the ones I wanted and hide the rest. . .
One of the points that I neglected to mention in either of my two previous posts is that the person who was the "leader" of this group that met at my grandparents was also one of my local church leaders. He was a man of prominent stature within Salt Lake Cities business community, the Church's business ventures, and Local Church Leadership. Many people have asked me over the years why if my stories were true did not this young child ever tell anyone what was taking place. I was constantly threatened not only by those whom should have loved me the most but also by a man who was my local church leader. Perps know how to manipulate, how to use fear and guilt to accomplish their goal of not getting caught.
The human mind is a funny thing, a song, a picture, a word, a building, a pair of glasses, and most of all for me certain smells all act as triggering mechanisms. . .
. .When I was seventeen I was working at our family restaurant one night when this kid about my age came in to order some food. From the moment he walked in the front door his smell had me. I was not even sure what the smell was but it seemed to grab me and take me to a place I did not understand. If I could have jumped over the counter and put my nose right on him and inhaled I would have just to try and remember what the smell was. I knew that I had smelled it before but for the life of me had no idea when or were. After walking in the door he came straight up to me and, looking me in the eyes, said, "do you know what this smell is?" at this point I was completely taken by surprise. How did he know that I was trying to figure out what he smelled like? How did he know what his smell had done to me? I did not know how to respond so I managed to croak out the word, "no!" the bright intellectual approach. He once again looked me straight in the eye and said, "Sex, what you smell is Sex, I have been having sex all night and all day and the smell is all over me. When you have sex over and over this is what it smells like!" His words were burned into my memory for I knew that I had smelled that smell before . . .
How could an experience be so intriguing yet so horrifying? Part of me wanted this kid to stay forever and let me smell him and another part of me wanted to run and vomit. . .
Years later you find yourself walking down the street and a song is playing as you walk past a building. One second you are as happy as can be and the next you are in an absolute near suicidal panic attack and you have no idea why? One day at church an old man comes up to you and says something, you have no idea what he said but you know that you want to run, get away as fast as you can. Once again you have no idea what brought on such a strong reaction? Through them all you have glimpses into the past but only enough to make you think that you are going crazy, for how could any sane person see the things that you see? How could any sane individual see the horrifying pictures in their mind that you see?
Your religion teaches you that your thoughts are as condemning as your actions and so you do everything within your power to push these thoughts away, you sing hymns, you pray, you read your scriptures anything you can think of that will bring God in and make them go away. You are taught that your mind is like a stage and that you are in control of the performance that is being acted out on the stage at all times. You are taught that it is your responsibility to make sure that only good wholesome plays are acted out on your stage of life. If this is true then why are so many horrifying plays finding their way to your stage? Where are these pictures coming from? You have done a great job at holding these memories at bay for a long time and now they want out. The problem is that you think that you are evil each time they surface so you push them even deeper were no one but you can see them, the only problem is that memories will not be held at bay forever, sooner or later they will find a way out and when you have tried to hold them back for so long they often come out like the flood waters of a broken dam. Everyone needs a safe place, someone in whom they can confide where there is no judgment, no looks of horror as they discover your secrets. The only problem is that abuse survivors find it difficult if not impossible to trust, therefore they (we) are constantly on the search for this person with whom we can share our secrets, yet we seldom find them because we are so unwilling to trust. We often tell part of a story to test how the individual will react and when we don't get the response that we want we freeze up and hide even deeper. I have learned that the secret to dealing with the crap is to finally come to understand that one is not broken, as mentioned in a previous post these Bastards did not have the power to break me. I merely needed to learn how to find and follow the peace. . .
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Perhaps it is by sharing and talking about this crap that the next step forward can begin.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
My grandfather, who was one of the worlds best men, passed away when I was five years old. Whether it was on the rebound or not I am not sure but my grandmother quickly remarried a man who was only a year or so older than my mother. Later in life I discovered that this man had spent the 17 years previous to their marriage in numerous different prisons, including Ft Leavenworth. In another post I will share his story and what put him in prison, for now suffice it to say that he was an evil man.
Grandma married this man in March and by the end of the following summer the abuse had begun. We lived on the outskirts of town, a suburb of Salt Lake. We lived on a few acres of land with my Grandparents living directly behind us. Times were different then, Children roamed freely without parents worrying for their safety. We could be gone for hours at a time without the parents knowing exactly were we where. This proved to be quite beneficial to my step grandfather and his little band of sicko's.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
No wonder I love Judge Judy!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I have discovered that shopping for Mr Right, IE dating, has quite a bit in common with the diamond shopping game. Recently I have exited a number of Jewelry Stores, metaphorically speaking of course, totally and completely bewildered with what the shop keepers are trying to peddle. I am at odds with the lack of moral standard within the gay community. (OK so it's not just the gay community but that is what I am currently dealing with) Don't get me wrong I am not trying to claim the better than thou, self righteous piety, in your face, your a bad person, everybody be a prude type of thing. I merely want to find someone who respects themselves enough to set limits and adhere to them. Well, at least try to adhere to them, we are all human and fall short of our self imposed standards at times. No problem with that, but when SEX becomes the only object of focus and one is willing to do anything IE lie, cheat, betray friends, etc, in order to fulfill their selfish lusts then that individual has lost the very part of his soul which differentiates us from the beasts. Believe me folks my lusts, my sex drive, my desire to have my desires fulfilled, are as strong as any. Yet this voice deep within tells me that lines have to be drawn, that there are certain things which should be shared only within and under the right circumstance with the right person. It is up to each individual to conclude what and where those lines need be drawn. Why should we as gay men be any different when it comes to standards? Granted the whole sex thing is different when one is gay in our culture. For the str8 man is told to hold to his purity and then one day he will marry and share this part of his life with his wife. He has something to look forward to during his sexually explosive moments when he just wants to get his rocks off. For if he/she refrains he/she may reserve something dear for his/her partner to be. As Gay Mormon Men we are told that we will not have the opportunity to share in this experience during this lifetime, that we must remain celibate and faithful to the end. Within the gay community marriage is not an option to be extended at this time. therefore many say what the hell why not do whatever, whenever, wherever? I do not believe that God desires to withhold this part of life from us, but I do believe that he expects us to hold to certain standards. Exactly what those standard are I am not yet sure but I do adhere to the idea that Promiscuity is not the answer.
Recently I have discovered that one who I looked upon as a true friend has merely been using me to get what he wants. This person has walked over, and through me in order to get to the people who would fulfill his needs. He has used me to try to get to my friends who he "Wants" bad. I have some great friends who I enjoy spending time with. They are full of life and accept me for who and what I am. (And they do not chastise me for doing things such as buying a motorcycle) They think it's awesome that I am going skydiving. They have not forgotten that life is fun and can be full of excitement. I have a great love and respect for these individuals. I am at awe that my friend would try to use me to get to these people when he has nothing in mind other than fulfilling his SEXual lusts, he doesn't care who he hurts along the way so long as he gets what he wants. He is totally pissed at me right now because I refuse to introduce him to my friends. What kind of a person would I be if I set a predator free amongst my friends.
I know I am rambling, the ramblings of a crazed gay MoHo, but these issues have become quite serious to me. I am witnessing the results of some of my friends who are living a dual life, which by so doing contributes to a life of unbridled passion. For much like a pressure cooker when the heat is on and the steam is building the pot will explode if not for the pressure release valve. So I have seen with many of my friends still trying to hide in the closet, the pressure builds until the pot is ready to explode and great will be the explosion thereof sending shards and shrapnel into all within it's path. I believe my friend has so much built up pressure inside that he can no longer contain it and he is in the process of exploding. I believe that in a way coming out is like opening the release valve and allowing the pot to breathe. This is only one of the many reasons I have become an advocate of coming out of the closet.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Today was one of those days when you awake in such deep thought that your mind is going ten million places all at once. I have often imagined what it might be like at the judgement bar when ones eyes are opened and your whole life is placed before you? When I was younger I imagined it might be like watching a movie for all the world to see with people pointing, judging and laughing? Later I thought it much the same but just between myself, God and some of my earthy appointed leaders, who after all had stewardship over the right to help judge me, did they not?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I have noticed a pattern as of late when it comes to my making new friends within the gay community, a pattern which I do not necessarily like and am at odds as to how to change it. This past year has been spent going new places, trying new things, meeting new people, and striving to ignite new friendships with people whom I feel a kinship. I have sought out people who seem to have the same standards I hold dear, people who for one reason or another you just Like right from the beginning. I know making friends takes time, but dang it gets lonely out there. I have often been referred to as a social butterfly flittering here and there constantly on the go with this friend and that. As I have mentioned in previous posts my social life has been completely turned upside down since coming out, even those friends who seem to accept my being gay have changed, though they profess support, the invitations have all but ceased and when I stop by to see them there is a rift that was not present prior to my coming out.
One of these days I will discover what it is I am doing to put people off, I often wonder if perhaps I come on too strong, or maybe seem to needy, or possibly, I am just weird? (hopefully the later is not the case but I do need to consider all possibilities) It is hard losing your friends and family without new ones to take their place. I have met some fantastic new friends yet have not been able to find "my place" yet. This has been a fantastic year! And perhaps the upcoming year will bring with it more opportunities to grow and eventually find my niche in this crazy yet wonderful gay community.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Proper noun/n: A common but in a form of name in a sense of dominance; In most cases, the Letter "R" in its capital form shows a form of difference, but yet the name Richard is commonly used in human labeling. Richard is commonly reffered to as "Dick", which in fact is the nickname. Though some humor this fact, they tend to avoid the symbolism of the male dominance in the name, and the effect of impact in speech. The name, almost as other names, when introduced in a conversation, people who are in ear's reach of it would react to the specific name. In a way of hetero paradigm, Richard could be a "normal" living a "normal" life; A Richard could be reading this exact definition due to curiosity or suggestion or boredom; A Richard could have been born to the Earth to change it, to revolutionize, to excel and leave his mark upon the world. There is no proof nor evidence to the true definition of Richard, judging by the obvious fact that a person defines the term "Richard" in their own way..
Not only is Dick a nickname for Richard but Richard is another name for Dick, usually a homosexual who can't say his own name correctly but pronounces it "Wichard" because he has a speech impediment. (What's funny is that I spent part of my elementary years in speach therapy because I couldn't say my "R's" right! I pronounced my name "Wichard" for many years!)
Tall, almost towering, large features, arms, legs. Beautiful heart. Kind, usually reserved about sharing his feelings. Although he is able to communicate well, he feels much more deeply than he speaks. Only those that are close to him will ever really know him. Will see 'it' through even if he is unhappy, his commitment unwavering. Will make many mistakes believing he has made a 'wise' choice. Realizes logic does not bring happiness. Falls in love only once, usually shocking (completely different upbringings) to him. When he does find him, he is relentless in his pursuit. However, it is not calculating, unconsciously he maneuvers his actions to allow himself to be with him. A strong, powerful force, a positive energy, other men are always questioning, "what's so great about Richard?". Spiritual leader. Excellent lover, very good with his entire body, making men fantasize about him regularly. A very thick, yummy kisser. Richard is a kind, good, lovely, beautiful, sweet, aggressive, sensitive man with a consecrated heart. They are pretty fun and outgoing people, and like to sit around playing video games or the guitar until they get a boyfriend. They are always on time, and very loyal companions.
1. another word for sexy beast
2. someone who likes to laugh a lot
3. my babycakes
Instead of calling somebody a dick, call them a richard "Hey, look over there! Its a Richard" "Man, when Bob drinks, he really becomes a richard."
Whether I am Richard or not is irrelevant, but the definition of my full purpose is the road I must follow to become the "Richard" I want to define.