Perhaps it is by sharing and talking about this crap that the next step forward can begin.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Perhaps it is by sharing and talking about this crap that the next step forward can begin.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
My grandfather, who was one of the worlds best men, passed away when I was five years old. Whether it was on the rebound or not I am not sure but my grandmother quickly remarried a man who was only a year or so older than my mother. Later in life I discovered that this man had spent the 17 years previous to their marriage in numerous different prisons, including Ft Leavenworth. In another post I will share his story and what put him in prison, for now suffice it to say that he was an evil man.
Grandma married this man in March and by the end of the following summer the abuse had begun. We lived on the outskirts of town, a suburb of Salt Lake. We lived on a few acres of land with my Grandparents living directly behind us. Times were different then, Children roamed freely without parents worrying for their safety. We could be gone for hours at a time without the parents knowing exactly were we where. This proved to be quite beneficial to my step grandfather and his little band of sicko's.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
No wonder I love Judge Judy!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I have discovered that shopping for Mr Right, IE dating, has quite a bit in common with the diamond shopping game. Recently I have exited a number of Jewelry Stores, metaphorically speaking of course, totally and completely bewildered with what the shop keepers are trying to peddle. I am at odds with the lack of moral standard within the gay community. (OK so it's not just the gay community but that is what I am currently dealing with) Don't get me wrong I am not trying to claim the better than thou, self righteous piety, in your face, your a bad person, everybody be a prude type of thing. I merely want to find someone who respects themselves enough to set limits and adhere to them. Well, at least try to adhere to them, we are all human and fall short of our self imposed standards at times. No problem with that, but when SEX becomes the only object of focus and one is willing to do anything IE lie, cheat, betray friends, etc, in order to fulfill their selfish lusts then that individual has lost the very part of his soul which differentiates us from the beasts. Believe me folks my lusts, my sex drive, my desire to have my desires fulfilled, are as strong as any. Yet this voice deep within tells me that lines have to be drawn, that there are certain things which should be shared only within and under the right circumstance with the right person. It is up to each individual to conclude what and where those lines need be drawn. Why should we as gay men be any different when it comes to standards? Granted the whole sex thing is different when one is gay in our culture. For the str8 man is told to hold to his purity and then one day he will marry and share this part of his life with his wife. He has something to look forward to during his sexually explosive moments when he just wants to get his rocks off. For if he/she refrains he/she may reserve something dear for his/her partner to be. As Gay Mormon Men we are told that we will not have the opportunity to share in this experience during this lifetime, that we must remain celibate and faithful to the end. Within the gay community marriage is not an option to be extended at this time. therefore many say what the hell why not do whatever, whenever, wherever? I do not believe that God desires to withhold this part of life from us, but I do believe that he expects us to hold to certain standards. Exactly what those standard are I am not yet sure but I do adhere to the idea that Promiscuity is not the answer.
Recently I have discovered that one who I looked upon as a true friend has merely been using me to get what he wants. This person has walked over, and through me in order to get to the people who would fulfill his needs. He has used me to try to get to my friends who he "Wants" bad. I have some great friends who I enjoy spending time with. They are full of life and accept me for who and what I am. (And they do not chastise me for doing things such as buying a motorcycle) They think it's awesome that I am going skydiving. They have not forgotten that life is fun and can be full of excitement. I have a great love and respect for these individuals. I am at awe that my friend would try to use me to get to these people when he has nothing in mind other than fulfilling his SEXual lusts, he doesn't care who he hurts along the way so long as he gets what he wants. He is totally pissed at me right now because I refuse to introduce him to my friends. What kind of a person would I be if I set a predator free amongst my friends.
I know I am rambling, the ramblings of a crazed gay MoHo, but these issues have become quite serious to me. I am witnessing the results of some of my friends who are living a dual life, which by so doing contributes to a life of unbridled passion. For much like a pressure cooker when the heat is on and the steam is building the pot will explode if not for the pressure release valve. So I have seen with many of my friends still trying to hide in the closet, the pressure builds until the pot is ready to explode and great will be the explosion thereof sending shards and shrapnel into all within it's path. I believe my friend has so much built up pressure inside that he can no longer contain it and he is in the process of exploding. I believe that in a way coming out is like opening the release valve and allowing the pot to breathe. This is only one of the many reasons I have become an advocate of coming out of the closet.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Today was one of those days when you awake in such deep thought that your mind is going ten million places all at once. I have often imagined what it might be like at the judgement bar when ones eyes are opened and your whole life is placed before you? When I was younger I imagined it might be like watching a movie for all the world to see with people pointing, judging and laughing? Later I thought it much the same but just between myself, God and some of my earthy appointed leaders, who after all had stewardship over the right to help judge me, did they not?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I have noticed a pattern as of late when it comes to my making new friends within the gay community, a pattern which I do not necessarily like and am at odds as to how to change it. This past year has been spent going new places, trying new things, meeting new people, and striving to ignite new friendships with people whom I feel a kinship. I have sought out people who seem to have the same standards I hold dear, people who for one reason or another you just Like right from the beginning. I know making friends takes time, but dang it gets lonely out there. I have often been referred to as a social butterfly flittering here and there constantly on the go with this friend and that. As I have mentioned in previous posts my social life has been completely turned upside down since coming out, even those friends who seem to accept my being gay have changed, though they profess support, the invitations have all but ceased and when I stop by to see them there is a rift that was not present prior to my coming out.
One of these days I will discover what it is I am doing to put people off, I often wonder if perhaps I come on too strong, or maybe seem to needy, or possibly, I am just weird? (hopefully the later is not the case but I do need to consider all possibilities) It is hard losing your friends and family without new ones to take their place. I have met some fantastic new friends yet have not been able to find "my place" yet. This has been a fantastic year! And perhaps the upcoming year will bring with it more opportunities to grow and eventually find my niche in this crazy yet wonderful gay community.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Proper noun/n: A common but in a form of name in a sense of dominance; In most cases, the Letter "R" in its capital form shows a form of difference, but yet the name Richard is commonly used in human labeling. Richard is commonly reffered to as "Dick", which in fact is the nickname. Though some humor this fact, they tend to avoid the symbolism of the male dominance in the name, and the effect of impact in speech. The name, almost as other names, when introduced in a conversation, people who are in ear's reach of it would react to the specific name. In a way of hetero paradigm, Richard could be a "normal" living a "normal" life; A Richard could be reading this exact definition due to curiosity or suggestion or boredom; A Richard could have been born to the Earth to change it, to revolutionize, to excel and leave his mark upon the world. There is no proof nor evidence to the true definition of Richard, judging by the obvious fact that a person defines the term "Richard" in their own way..
Not only is Dick a nickname for Richard but Richard is another name for Dick, usually a homosexual who can't say his own name correctly but pronounces it "Wichard" because he has a speech impediment. (What's funny is that I spent part of my elementary years in speach therapy because I couldn't say my "R's" right! I pronounced my name "Wichard" for many years!)
Tall, almost towering, large features, arms, legs. Beautiful heart. Kind, usually reserved about sharing his feelings. Although he is able to communicate well, he feels much more deeply than he speaks. Only those that are close to him will ever really know him. Will see 'it' through even if he is unhappy, his commitment unwavering. Will make many mistakes believing he has made a 'wise' choice. Realizes logic does not bring happiness. Falls in love only once, usually shocking (completely different upbringings) to him. When he does find him, he is relentless in his pursuit. However, it is not calculating, unconsciously he maneuvers his actions to allow himself to be with him. A strong, powerful force, a positive energy, other men are always questioning, "what's so great about Richard?". Spiritual leader. Excellent lover, very good with his entire body, making men fantasize about him regularly. A very thick, yummy kisser. Richard is a kind, good, lovely, beautiful, sweet, aggressive, sensitive man with a consecrated heart. They are pretty fun and outgoing people, and like to sit around playing video games or the guitar until they get a boyfriend. They are always on time, and very loyal companions.
1. another word for sexy beast
2. someone who likes to laugh a lot
3. my babycakes
Instead of calling somebody a dick, call them a richard "Hey, look over there! Its a Richard" "Man, when Bob drinks, he really becomes a richard."
Whether I am Richard or not is irrelevant, but the definition of my full purpose is the road I must follow to become the "Richard" I want to define.