Sunday, February 28, 2010

Sex Abuse part two "Pure Evil"

It's been a couple of days since I last wrote mainly because these posts are somewhat more difficult to write than the others have been but for whatever reasons I feel the need to write them. I honestly thought I would never be sharing this part of my life with people, let alone in such a public forum as this. When looking back upon my life I often tell myself; "It is what it is" deal with it and move forward.

Perhaps it is by sharing and talking about this crap that the next step forward can begin.

Beware, for to some it may come across as a bit strong and perhaps Adult rated but remember, It is what it is:
He might as well have been the Devil himself for my step grandfather was a man who got off by forcing children to watch him masturbate, shoving their faces into the crotches of adults, and drugging kids while then tying them up to be used in his ceremonial practices. Never did this man or his cronies care one bit what kind of damage they inflicted upon those whom they hurt. The only thing they cared about was satisfying their own needs, lusts, desires, and psychopathic belief system.

It shall forever be implanted within my mind each and every time these people committed their horrocities, however it no longer haunts me as it has for most of my life. I have finally been able to accept things and move forward. I have realized that I cannot change yesterday and I cannot live a tomorrow which has not yet occurred. The only thing I can do is to enjoy and make good use of this very moment. A good friend helped me to look deep inside one day and realize that nothing was broken, that these inhuman monsters never had the power to break me, to permanently damage me in ways that couldn't be healed. They merely had the power to momentarily control me and cause much pain along the way.

One of the reasons I fear sharing this is because there will be those who will look at these experiences and say to themselves, "so that's what caused Rich to be Gay"! With this in mind some have thought they could "fix" me so that I might give up these attractions and reconcile myself with God and His Church. Those who feel this way do not understand homosexuality. I was abused by men and women alike. I was put in situations that would turn many away from sex of any kind. These were horrible experiences yet deep within I know they had nothing to do with my orientation. If anything they would have caused me to desire celibacy, not same sex attraction.

My grandmother had to have known the evil within this man. One night I was sleeping over at their house as I often did. Grandma came in and woke me up somewhere past midnight, grabbed my belongings and ushered me out the door telling me that grandpa was home and he had been drinking so I had to go home. I remember thinking that she was acting real funny, almost like she was in a panic and terrified. I later learned that he had threatened her life and that of many of my family members if she ever pulled any "shit" on him. Twice that I know of my grandmother had broken bones. One time she told us that she was walking in a parking lot and a car backed into her. Once again I later discovered that both times "he" had beaten her and broken her bones, by throwing her down the stairs.

The first recollection I have of any abuse occurred one night when he made me touch him and watch as he masturbated. I had no idea what this was all about but I knew I did not like it, I was terrified. The second occurrence took place during one of their ritual ceremonies. During the course of their activities clothes came off and the face of a young six to seven year old was forced into the crotch of some old lady. Even as I write this the memory comes alive and I can almost smell the most foul stench imaginable. The smell is what I remember most. Funny how decades later I can be transported back to childhood and literally physically smell what I smelled then. The mind is a powerful thing. One day about six years ago I was sitting in an office as I volunteered time for one of my favorite charities when in walked this woman who smelled horrible. I literally had to leave the room to keep from upchucking. As I walked choking into the restroom the memory of this incidence flooded my mind and soul as if had actually happened only moments before. Some memories are always present, others are buried deep until one day without warning something triggers you within and a new memory comes gushing forth as if the floodgates of hell have been opened wide. I think some memories are so horrific that in order to remain sane the mind buries them deep until one is ready to deal with the ramifications that accompany them.
Im not sure what I will share next for there are many experiences to choose from. . .

To the molestors, rapists, and abusers of the world; Here's To Ya --->
(Not exactly the Christ like love I spoke of in my last post, SORRY!) I want to be loving and kind but the emotions run deep were these individuals are concerned.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Journey of a Sex Abuse Victim

I recently read a post on a friends blog Hopes Journey which quite intrigued me. This friend has been working with sex offenders and shared with we readers his perspective on the trials these men face. He had some great points and I will not pass judgment here on whether or not I agree with all that he said, for I am not sure how I feel regarding some of it. Let it be said though that our responsibility as Children of God is to first and foremost "Love the Lord thy God and the second is like unto it "Love our neighbors as ourselves". I'm not quite sure how this fits into the arena where sex offenders are concerned. I leave that decision up to each of you, what I will do throughout the next few posts though is share with you my story:

My grandfather, who was one of the worlds best men, passed away when I was five years old. Whether it was on the rebound or not I am not sure but my grandmother quickly remarried a man who was only a year or so older than my mother. Later in life I discovered that this man had spent the 17 years previous to their marriage in numerous different prisons, including Ft Leavenworth. In another post I will share his story and what put him in prison, for now suffice it to say that he was an evil man.

Grandma married this man in March and by the end of the following summer the abuse had begun. We lived on the outskirts of town, a suburb of Salt Lake. We lived on a few acres of land with my Grandparents living directly behind us. Times were different then, Children roamed freely without parents worrying for their safety. We could be gone for hours at a time without the parents knowing exactly were we where. This proved to be quite beneficial to my step grandfather and his little band of sicko's.

The real horror began one night in August, while sleeping over at my grandparents. My grandparents had invited a friend of theirs who was a psychic over for the evening. There was a group of friends gathered in the basement and I had been told to stay upstairs but my curiosity got the best of me. I crept to the top of the stairs listening intently as the group of adults downstairs went through the rituals of a crystal ball fortune telling ceremony. As the weeks and months went by the ceremonies became more intense. This is the group that my step grandfather eventually pulled me into. The abuse started with him and then one day they invited me into the basement during one of their ceremonies.
This is when the real hell began. . .
To be continued. . .

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Moving To Kansas City

Saturday Night I got a phone call from an individual in Kansas City offering me a job. This call came as a complete surprise for I had not been looking for work, my Real Estate career here in Utah has been going well and I had no reason to look elsewhere. I guess my brother got the ball rolling by throwing my hat in the ring without me knowing. At first I told him that I was not interested that I liked my life the way it was. However I told him that I would consider the offer and get back to him. I have recently come out to the world and have met some of the best people within the local moho community. For the first time in my life I have felt like I belonged, like I have actually found family and I have no desire to leave it. By Sunday evening I knew I needed to take the offer, my soul was screaming that this Moho has things to do in places other than Utah. I have two weeks to be packed and on the road to Missouri. My base will be in Independence, MO and I am hoping that there is an active moho community there as well. I know there is a lot of church history in the area and that the church is fairly strong there, and if the 10% rule has any truth to it I should be able to find myself some moho's in MO. That would make us MoMoHo's! LOL Anyway I will keep ya'll up on my adventure with pictures, stories and who knows possible even a romantic tale to tell? I went on line to see what kind of Gay venues there are in KC and discovered that they had a "bathhouse". Not knowing what a bathhouse was I clicked on the link and decided to read some of the comments made by its patrons. WELL, let me tell you, this boys eyes were opened, I really am too Innocent in many ways. Perhaps I shall choose to stay far away from the bathhouse. I did discover that there is a local chapter for affirmation and I sent off an email requesting INFO INFO INFO. I then went on Connexion and noticed quite a few "cuties" in the area so what the hey, I'm off for a new adventure.

I have a brother who lives south of Kansas City and when talking with him about moving closer the topic somehow switched to me and my sexuality. He hym'd and haw'd for a minute and then said "what do I call it when I'm referring to your, uhh umm you know, "sexuality"? I snickered and said that he could call me anything he wanted, he could call me a moho, a queer, a fag, even gay so long as he didn't refer to me as just plain ol Rich. We laughed as he realized that I was telling him that I am just me, gay? str8? it doenst matter, I am Rich! I asked him when was the last time I referred to him as a Hetro ? Though I am definitely Gay, Gay is not who I am, it is what I am. He called me tonight to tell me now excited his wife and kids are to have me coming. Out of a family of eight they are the only ones who thus far accept me, Gay-ity and all.

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Old Guard Has Got To Die

. . .Before there will be change, "The Old Guard Has Got To Die Off"! Watch the video and think about the impact of this statement within the MoHo community? I don't mean this in a bad way, but I do think that we will see things change when the next generation takes more leadership roles within the church.

No wonder I love Judge Judy!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Finding The Right Diamond part 1

Before buying my first diamond I went to the Library and spent a fair amount of time researching diamonds. I then met with a gemologist to get his input on how to find the right diamond, what to look for, and how NOT to be deceived. Good diamonds are expensive and I wanted to insure myself that I was buying the right diamond, that I was not wasting my money on a fake, a forgery, or on a low grade diamond of a value that did not match it's claim. Before embarking upon my research I had gone to a few diamond stores in search of "The Ring", what I discovered was a bunch of men who were out to sell a diamond, they did not care about me nor did they care about the time and effort I had put into earning the money I was about to spend, they merely cared about the "Money" they were going to make off my purchase. It seemed that they were pushing lower grade diamonds that cost them less money at a higher price in order to escalate their profit margin. I was tired of their outward appearance and claims of truth and honesty when their inner soul was full of nothing but greed even at the cost of deception. They were so full of hunger for money that they lied like a closeted gay moho trying to hide his true identity from his family, church and friends. Sorry for the analogy but often a closeted gay moho will do anything to keep these people from discovering the truth. How do I know this? Been there done that as have many of you. Anyway back to the diamond story. I wanted to find an honest salesman but knew that unless I had some connexions, there would be no way of knowing for sure if I could trust the man before me. Therefore I must go in armed with the knowledge and understanding necessary in order to make a wise investment. So I educated myself, found an establishment which was known for selling product at a fair price and went in for the purchase. In the end I came out with a great diamond of good value at a more than fair price.

I have discovered that shopping for Mr Right, IE dating, has quite a bit in common with the diamond shopping game. Recently I have exited a number of Jewelry Stores, metaphorically speaking of course, totally and completely bewildered with what the shop keepers are trying to peddle. I am at odds with the lack of moral standard within the gay community. (OK so it's not just the gay community but that is what I am currently dealing with) Don't get me wrong I am not trying to claim the better than thou, self righteous piety, in your face, your a bad person, everybody be a prude type of thing. I merely want to find someone who respects themselves enough to set limits and adhere to them. Well, at least try to adhere to them, we are all human and fall short of our self imposed standards at times. No problem with that, but when SEX becomes the only object of focus and one is willing to do anything IE lie, cheat, betray friends, etc, in order to fulfill their selfish lusts then that individual has lost the very part of his soul which differentiates us from the beasts. Believe me folks my lusts, my sex drive, my desire to have my desires fulfilled, are as strong as any. Yet this voice deep within tells me that lines have to be drawn, that there are certain things which should be shared only within and under the right circumstance with the right person. It is up to each individual to conclude what and where those lines need be drawn. Why should we as gay men be any different when it comes to standards? Granted the whole sex thing is different when one is gay in our culture. For the str8 man is told to hold to his purity and then one day he will marry and share this part of his life with his wife. He has something to look forward to during his sexually explosive moments when he just wants to get his rocks off. For if he/she refrains he/she may reserve something dear for his/her partner to be. As Gay Mormon Men we are told that we will not have the opportunity to share in this experience during this lifetime, that we must remain celibate and faithful to the end. Within the gay community marriage is not an option to be extended at this time. therefore many say what the hell why not do whatever, whenever, wherever? I do not believe that God desires to withhold this part of life from us, but I do believe that he expects us to hold to certain standards. Exactly what those standard are I am not yet sure but I do adhere to the idea that Promiscuity is not the answer.

Recently I have discovered that one who I looked upon as a true friend has merely been using me to get what he wants. This person has walked over, and through me in order to get to the people who would fulfill his needs. He has used me to try to get to my friends who he "Wants" bad. I have some great friends who I enjoy spending time with. They are full of life and accept me for who and what I am. (And they do not chastise me for doing things such as buying a motorcycle) They think it's awesome that I am going skydiving. They have not forgotten that life is fun and can be full of excitement. I have a great love and respect for these individuals. I am at awe that my friend would try to use me to get to these people when he has nothing in mind other than fulfilling his SEXual lusts, he doesn't care who he hurts along the way so long as he gets what he wants. He is totally pissed at me right now because I refuse to introduce him to my friends. What kind of a person would I be if I set a predator free amongst my friends.

I know I am rambling, the ramblings of a crazed gay MoHo, but these issues have become quite serious to me. I am witnessing the results of some of my friends who are living a dual life, which by so doing contributes to a life of unbridled passion. For much like a pressure cooker when the heat is on and the steam is building the pot will explode if not for the pressure release valve. So I have seen with many of my friends still trying to hide in the closet, the pressure builds until the pot is ready to explode and great will be the explosion thereof sending shards and shrapnel into all within it's path. I believe my friend has so much built up pressure inside that he can no longer contain it and he is in the process of exploding. I believe that in a way coming out is like opening the release valve and allowing the pot to breathe. This is only one of the many reasons I have become an advocate of coming out of the closet.

If I am searching for a diamond of value to share my life then should I not take effort to keep mine own polished and chip free in order to offer another a diamond of value rather than a worn out, chipped piece of garbage which holds no value. Once again I am not suggesting that sex has no place in the dating world, I get just as excited and turned on as the next guy. But seriously folks can't we show some restraint. I find myself wondering how many people feel as I do on the matter or am I merely a prude. I do not agree with the "Evergreen" philosophy but then neither do I agree with the "anything goes" way of thinking. There has got to be a happy middle ground. It is obvious from some of my recent posts that this matter has been on my mind as of late.

This ranting Gay Mormon has gone on long enough so I will end this post, for now anyway! Next post I will return to the diamond analogy.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Walking Spiritual ZOMBIE

Today was one of those days when you awake in such deep thought that your mind is going ten million places all at once. I have often imagined what it might be like at the judgement bar when ones eyes are opened and your whole life is placed before you? When I was younger I imagined it might be like watching a movie for all the world to see with people pointing, judging and laughing? Later I thought it much the same but just between myself, God and some of my earthy appointed leaders, who after all had stewardship over the right to help judge me, did they not?

During a person interview with my stake president following my "one day" marriage, the man informed me that he had received a personal witness during his prayers the night before. He told me that the Lord, through the spirit, had borne "witness" to him that the reason for my wanting to end the marriage after one day was that I had committed grievous sins for which I had not repented, that I had "lied" to my leaders during interviews. He went on to tell me that this was my chance to come clean, to tell the truth, to confess my sins before the Lord. He informed me that the day would come when he would "stand as a witness" at my judgment bar and that should I not choose to take advantage of this opportunity to confess my sins that he would profess to the Lord that I had been given the opportunity to come clean and had refused. I informed him that I had committed no such sins, there had been no grievous sins committed for the which I had not previously confessed to the proper church authority. Deep inside I knew he was referring to the fact that I was attracted to men, I thought of all the times I had "felt" bad feelings and thought evil sexual thoughts involving men. I thought that he was referring to one particular missionary who I had experienced some really bad things with, "in my mind". For not once had I acted on these desires, but they were present, and I was convinced that this was why the Lord had condemned me through this stake president. And with the lethal, condemning judgment spewing forth from this man there was no way I was going to tell him that I was attracted to men, I would rather have died first. I knew that I was going to hell anyway for what I felt inside and this was the day I sort of committed internal suicide, I became a walking Spiritual Zombie, no life inside merely a physical body with an empty core.

I lived this way for over ten years before beginning to realize that I wasn't the evil person I had been taught that I was. What a tragedy it is that many good righteous young souls have to live this way when they have done nothing wrong. I hope that any who feel as I did, any who may have already committed internal suicide may read these words and know that they are not alone. If any of you reading this have ever felt this way my desire is that you might know of the life that is possible for you to "LIVE" once you have come to understand and accept the good within. Being a Gay man is not a bad thing, having attractions to people of the same sex is not what is going to condemn you. How you feel about who you are will direct how you feel about the Lord and His ability to Love you, and that will eventually be what either condemns one or opens him up to a wonderful life. For if you loathe yourself how can you come to accept that the Lord loves you? I believed that the Lord loved all, except me, that his atoning sacrifice was available to all, except me. How can one ever truly serve his master when he places such restrictions upon him? For too many years I had no faith when it came to my Elder Brother and his ability to love me. I now know that he does love me, the complete gay, queer, homosexual, SSA, whatever you like to refer to me as, son of God. I am no longer a walking Zombie! The internal Rich has indeed been Born Again and received new life. This is what has happened as a direct result of accepting myself and coming out of my hiding place, the closet as to which it is often referred. Everyday life still has its moments, I often feel like I am riding an eternal roller-coaster, but now there is a foundation upon which to stand when the winds howl and the rains seem to flood my ground.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Unwelcome and Unwanted

A fellow MOHO made the comment on FB today that he feels Unwelcome and Unwanted. Ever feel those sentiments? As I mentioned in my last post this has been an up and down journey much like riding a high speed roller coaster. I am sorry that he is made to feel that way when he is such a fine young man. Finding your place within the gay community can be a difficult thing. Granted there are many ready and willing to help when it is needed but it is still difficult finding a place were you fit in, a place which feels like home. I can only speak for myself, but I imagine it is similar for most of you out there, when I say that loneliness often haunts the recently out of the closet gay man. I can't speak for you seasoned outers for I have not been there yet.

I have noticed a pattern as of late when it comes to my making new friends within the gay community, a pattern which I do not necessarily like and am at odds as to how to change it. This past year has been spent going new places, trying new things, meeting new people, and striving to ignite new friendships with people whom I feel a kinship. I have sought out people who seem to have the same standards I hold dear, people who for one reason or another you just Like right from the beginning. I know making friends takes time, but dang it gets lonely out there. I have often been referred to as a social butterfly flittering here and there constantly on the go with this friend and that. As I have mentioned in previous posts my social life has been completely turned upside down since coming out, even those friends who seem to accept my being gay have changed, though they profess support, the invitations have all but ceased and when I stop by to see them there is a rift that was not present prior to my coming out.

One of these days I will discover what it is I am doing to put people off, I often wonder if perhaps I come on too strong, or maybe seem to needy, or possibly, I am just weird? (hopefully the later is not the case but I do need to consider all possibilities) It is hard losing your friends and family without new ones to take their place. I have met some fantastic new friends yet have not been able to find "my place" yet. This has been a fantastic year! And perhaps the upcoming year will bring with it more opportunities to grow and eventually find my niche in this crazy yet wonderful gay community.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Love in the Air

Last October I wrote a post titled "Safety Net". In this post I talked about not needing the safety net of weight and how after having "come out" I began accepting myself and loving the person I saw looking back in the mirror each morning. Before I knew it I was losing weight and taking care of myself for the first time in over 10 years. At the time I wrote the post I had lost about 80 some odd pounds. Here it is roughly 3 months later and that number has hit just over 120. This past year has been amazing? It has been filled with Joy, Sorrow, Happiness and Pain. It has brought love and understanding into my life and yet I have experienced more hate and ignorance than I ever knew existed. I have learned that those who you thought loved you the most have the power to hurt you the most. I have learned that there are pure righteous individuals residing within the Gay community who have a sincere desire to just plain be Good! i have discovered that truth is not necessarily what I always thought it to be. And through it all I have come to Love myself, truly love the person inside! The Gay, fun loving, risk taking, little socialite that lives within this carcass is a pretty decent guy! And that knowledge is worth all the pain and sorrow felt along the way of gaining it. One of the rewards I promised myself for reaching 120 was to go skydiving, so guess were this boy is going the second week in march? I found this jumping school in Mesquite, NV that is supposed to be one of the best in the country. I'm actually jumping out an airplane and am skinny enough to do it. Well I will admit, we're not skinny yet, but skinny enough to jump. Actual goal weight of 170 will be next July or August. How could I have known that coming out was the best way to lose weight ever? Anyway I just wanted to talk about what an incredible journey this has been and express my thanks and love for my new found MOHO and just plain HO friends. You have helped to make this difficult journey much better and easier to endure. I look back at a post I wrote describing a time in my life when I just wanted to die, and I am sooooo thankful that I never followed through with that desire. (Suicide)

I now know what it feels like to go on a date with someone who you think is "kinda cute". I know what it feels like to sit on a couch with 8 gay guys so scrunched that no one can move and to feel of the love present among good friends. It scares me that I might have never known the joy of holding a mans hand while on a romantic walk through the park. Or what it feels like to have your bo holding tight as you cruise down the highway on the motorcycle. I have felt the darkest of dark, I "KNOW" what it feels like to want to die! I also know what it feels like to work your way through those times and to live. I now know what it feels like to love and be loved. I now know what it feels like to actually like who you are. Being Gay is a good thing, and don't ever allow anyone to convince you otherwise. Just listen to your heart, it will tell the truth and once you know the truth follow the direction in which it guides you. These are just some of the lessons I have learned over the last year through my "Coming Out"!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Richard Defined!

I got the following definition of my name from an online dictionary and thought it was pretty funny:

I have taken the liberty of changing all references to females to that of males instead. ie she to he, girlfriend to boy friend etc.

Proper noun/n: A common but in a form of name in a sense of dominance; In most cases, the Letter "R" in its capital form shows a form of difference, but yet the name Richard is commonly used in human labeling. Richard is commonly reffered to as "Dick", which in fact is the nickname. Though some humor this fact, they tend to avoid the symbolism of the male dominance in the name, and the effect of impact in speech. The name, almost as other names, when introduced in a conversation, people who are in ear's reach of it would react to the specific name. In a way of hetero paradigm, Richard could be a "normal" living a "normal" life; A Richard could be reading this exact definition due to curiosity or suggestion or boredom; A Richard could have been born to the Earth to change it, to revolutionize, to excel and leave his mark upon the world. There is no proof nor evidence to the true definition of Richard, judging by the obvious fact that a person defines the term "Richard" in their own way..

Not only is Dick a nickname for Richard but Richard is another name for Dick, usually a homosexual who can't say his own name correctly but pronounces it "Wichard" because he has a speech impediment. (What's funny is that I spent part of my elementary years in speach therapy because I couldn't say my "R's" right! I pronounced my name "Wichard" for many years!)

Tall, almost towering, large features, arms, legs. Beautiful heart. Kind, usually reserved about sharing his feelings. Although he is able to communicate well, he feels much more deeply than he speaks. Only those that are close to him will ever really know him. Will see 'it' through even if he is unhappy, his commitment unwavering. Will make many mistakes believing he has made a 'wise' choice. Realizes logic does not bring happiness. Falls in love only once, usually shocking (completely different upbringings) to him. When he does find him, he is relentless in his pursuit. However, it is not calculating, unconsciously he maneuvers his actions to allow himself to be with him. A strong, powerful force, a positive energy, other men are always questioning, "what's so great about Richard?". Spiritual leader. Excellent lover, very good with his entire body, making men fantasize about him regularly. A very thick, yummy kisser. Richard is a kind, good, lovely, beautiful, sweet, aggressive, sensitive man with a consecrated heart. They are pretty fun and outgoing people, and like to sit around playing video games or the guitar until they get a boyfriend. They are always on time, and very loyal companions.

1. another word for sexy beast
2. someone who likes to laugh a lot
3. my babycakes

Instead of calling somebody a dick, call them a richard "Hey, look over there! Its a Richard" "Man, when Bob drinks, he really becomes a richard."

Whether I am Richard or not is irrelevant, but the definition of my full purpose is the road I must follow to become the "Richard" I want to define.