Today was one of those days when you awake in such deep thought that your mind is going ten million places all at once. I have often imagined what it might be like at the judgement bar when ones eyes are opened and your whole life is placed before you? When I was younger I imagined it might be like watching a movie for all the world to see with people pointing, judging and laughing? Later I thought it much the same but just between myself, God and some of my earthy appointed leaders, who after all had stewardship over the right to help judge me, did they not?
During a person interview with my stake president following my "one day" marriage, the man informed me that he had received a personal witness during his prayers the night before. He told me that the Lord, through the spirit, had borne "witness" to him that the reason for my wanting to end the marriage after one day was that I had committed grievous sins for which I had not repented, that I had "lied" to my leaders during interviews. He went on to tell me that this was my chance to come clean, to tell the truth, to confess my sins before the Lord. He informed me that the day would come when he would "stand as a witness" at my judgment bar and that should I not choose to take advantage of this opportunity to confess my sins that he would profess to the Lord that I had been given the opportunity to come clean and had refused. I informed him that I had committed no such sins, there had been no grievous sins committed for the which I had not previously confessed to the proper church authority. Deep inside I knew he was referring to the fact that I was attracted to men, I thought of all the times I had "felt" bad feelings and thought evil sexual thoughts involving men. I thought that he was referring to one particular missionary who I had experienced some really bad things with, "in my mind". For not once had I acted on these desires, but they were present, and I was convinced that this was why the Lord had condemned me through this stake president. And with the lethal, condemning judgment spewing forth from this man there was no way I was going to tell him that I was attracted to men, I would rather have died first. I knew that I was going to hell anyway for what I felt inside and this was the day I sort of committed internal suicide, I became a walking Spiritual Zombie, no life inside merely a physical body with an empty core.
I lived this way for over ten years before beginning to realize that I wasn't the evil person I had been taught that I was. What a tragedy it is that many good righteous young souls have to live this way when they have done nothing wrong. I hope that any who feel as I did, any who may have already committed internal suicide may read these words and know that they are not alone. If any of you reading this have ever felt this way my desire is that you might know of the life that is possible for you to "LIVE" once you have come to understand and accept the good within. Being a Gay man is not a bad thing, having attractions to people of the same sex is not what is going to condemn you. How you feel about who you are will direct how you feel about the Lord and His ability to Love you, and that will eventually be what either condemns one or opens him up to a wonderful life. For if you loathe yourself how can you come to accept that the Lord loves you? I believed that the Lord loved all, except me, that his atoning sacrifice was available to all, except me. How can one ever truly serve his master when he places such restrictions upon him? For too many years I had no faith when it came to my Elder Brother and his ability to love me. I now know that he does love me, the complete gay, queer, homosexual, SSA, whatever you like to refer to me as, son of God. I am no longer a walking Zombie! The internal Rich has indeed been Born Again and received new life. This is what has happened as a direct result of accepting myself and coming out of my hiding place, the closet as to which it is often referred. Everyday life still has its moments, I often feel like I am riding an eternal roller-coaster, but now there is a foundation upon which to stand when the winds howl and the rains seem to flood my ground.