Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Homo Metamorphasis

This whole coming out process is definitely a metamorphosis. I have gone through numerous different stages from self loathing and hatred to self acceptance. From Suicide to a deep rooted love of life. I have gone from Loving the Church and thinking it fault free to having much anger for being duped then back to the middle where I realize that the church is not perfect. The prophet and the men running the church are merely men who make mistakes, but that doesn't make the Church wrong. It just means the Lord has no choice but to use imperfect faulty men to run his earthy organizations. I can honestly say that my anger stage is pretty well over, but it is important to remember that I have no intention of ever going back to my previous states of belief. I still haven't decided exactly where I am at with the Church but I can at least attend without the intense anger.

Not only is this a changing growing experience for myself but for everyone around me who has to deal with the fact that I am gay. My Family, my church, my friends, I have seen them all morph, some for the better some for the worse. Last Friday I went to a game night with my bro and his wife. The first Friday of every month they meet with about twenty to thirty of their friends from the ward to play games and EAT! While there the women kept coming up to me and hugging me or putting their arm around me and welcoming me, keep in mind my bro had told most in the ward that I was Gay before I even started attending. The women were going out of their way to make this Gay brother of their good friend feel welcome and the men, bless their hearts were having an extremely difficult time even saying hi to me. Not that they were showing hatred and anger, just confusion and uncertain as to how to act around a gay guy. I think many of them will come around, some wont but many will. The hostess approached me and began to inform me that I was invited to become a permanent guest at their little gatherings. she told me that most people came with their spouse, but some came with their date or "partner". (I loved how she threw in Partner) I laughed and said, "I can only imagine how everyone would act if I ever showed up with a "partner". She got real serious and looked at me and said, "You are welcome here anytime with "anyone" boyfriend, girlfriend your welcome". WOW! This was a first for me, so different from my experience with church members in Utah. My third time attending this ward one of the Sisters found out about me and attempts to line me up with her gay friend. Three sisters standing outside the Relief Society room attempting to find me a boy. There are those who despise me here too but I am also seeing a much better side of Mormondom. Two of my brothers friends from the Ward arranged to take him skeet shooting this mornin and he invited me to tag along. I was somewhat, OK not somewhat, a whole lot uncomfortable with the whole situation. Keep in mind the men in the ward don't know how to act around me. It didn't take long before we were all just friends, not str8 men with a gay man but equal human beings out having fun. As we were all readying to depart one of the men came up to me, took my hand into his to shake with his other hand on top of the back of my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, "I am really glad you were able to come and that I was able to get to know you". It felt like he was trying to say "I am sorry I misjudged you and after getting to know you realize that you are just a normal decent guy". It felt extremely sincere.

For any of you who have read my blog you well know that many in my family have been absolute poops through my coming out, and that is putting it mildly. For mothers day I sent my mom Carol Lyn Pearson's book No More Goodbyes. Last week I found out that she had not started the book and had no real intentions of doing so. My older brother and his family were on their way to Nauvoo this week to do a pageant of some sorts so I called his wife and asked her if she would go pick up two books from my mom and bring them to me. She asked what books and I told her that mom would know if she just said I want the books back. She asked her husband my brother to pick them up on his way home from work. Mom gave them to him and he walked to his car before looking to see what they were. Important to note this bro is not "Good" with my gayness. I feared he would throw the books away if he knew what they were. Instead he walked back into the house handed them to Mom and said, "Mom I cant take them, I can't get rid of the feeling that you need to read them and you need to start now". WOW! Blew my mind when I heard this. He left and I hadn't heard from mom until this afternoon about what happened. This afternoon she called and informed me that she had been reading "the book". She then began apologizing for how horrible she, the family and the world had treated me. She said that what she read really opened her eyes to what gay men go through, especially gay men within the Mormon church. She said she felt sick that "my People" had suffered so much because of people like her. She told me that she was going to have a talk with each of my siblings and let them know how she now feels about the whole thing. She said that she was going to try to get my twin to read Carol Lynn's book. To be honest I doubt he will but then again I thought my Mom really wouldn't either. Even if she goes back to the way she was it was worth it just to hear her say the things she said today and to actually apologize for what she has done. As any who has gone through this with families who turn on them know it makes life hell. It is almost indescribable what it feels like to have people who you thought loved you turn on you merely because you are gay. To have your twin brother, your literal other half who you have been inseparable with, say some of the most vile horrible things to you. To know that they think you are the lowest of low the worst of the worst. The pain goes so deep that it can literally cause one to temporarily loose the will to live. But I sit back today and thank God that with the help of some good friends I was able to make it through those darkest of days, for if I had ended things when they were at their worst I never would have known the love and joy that I now experience. I never would have met some of the best people I have ever known. I never would have known true love. It is still a day to day roller coaster ride but the lows are not so low and the highs are. . . well, they're great! And the best part is that I am able to help others as a result of having gone through it myself. It will be interesting to see where life's changes take me next. My heart feels deep love and compassion for those who chose death over life. They just didn't understand that things could get better. I hope that as you read this you can see that even some of the worst scenarios have the possibility of turning out OK if you will but see things to the end. For now I don't have any expectations where the family is concerned what I will do is enjoy the good moments when they occur. And endure the not so good ones as they arise. And as a side effect of having finally accepted who I am I have experienced the fantastic Morph of the Body as well as the soul. After accepting myself I was finally able to let go of the wieght. I started losing weight one year ago this month. During this period I have lost just over 160 Lbs and am actually allowing myself to "Crush".


  1. I'm proud of you Rich. You are awesome.

  2. This is really a great read! I love this post and love to see the change in you and in your family, particularly your brother and mom.

    Wow! This is great stuff... gives me courage and hope for the future.

  3. I cannot imagine what it must feel like for you, to have your twin turn against you. I, too, have a twin (identical) and she has been one of my biggest supporters after I came out to her and her family.

    I am sending good energy and thoughts your way. I am also hopeful, for you, that those closest to you will learn to fully love you in the ways you want and need them to.

    And, congratulations on losing the weight that you have. I am very impressed!

    Happy day!

    Love and respect, always. :)

  4. Wow! What to say? This was beautifully written and heartfelt. Although I am not gay, the struggle, intense suffering and final (and continual emergence)of your soul has touched me deeply. I support a gay rights group at my school and although I haven't had to endure a "coming out" process, I have had a very difficult personal struggle of my own that I've had to come to terms with. The judgement and self loathing are part of coming to terms with a very difficult aspect of your life. I suppose I gravitate toward gay youth because of this coming to terms anguish. Your compassion, wisdom and self respect grow with this doesn't it? Perhaps that is what God intended--simply for us to "understand". Anyhow, thank you for sharing. This was food for the soul.