Friday, October 29, 2010

Be Happy: In, Through and Around all the Crap

As with Good to be Free it has been some time since my last post. It is nearing the one year anniversary of my Coming Out to my Family and though there has been some progress the realization and hurt of losing a family reaches deep. My way of dealing with this loss has been to engulf myself in work and to never stop moving. I find myself on the go constantly, seldom stopping to think about those back in Utah and what they gave up when they pushed Rich from their lives. At least that is what I like to think. There are many moments of anguish and loneliness when the memories reach to my core and bring tears to my soul. However I have found a new life here in Kansas and Missouri, a new life that I would not change for anything. If I could have my entire family back tomorrow merely by denouncing homosexuality I would not! Though I miss my Mother, my siblings, (especially my twin bro, my other Half) I cherish my life on honesty and self worth. Though there are moments of sadness, loneliness and at time shear agony I would not go back in the "Closet" for anything! I have a feeling this Holiday season might be more difficult than years past, having lost not only my Father to Death a year ago but also a family. I sometimes think his passing would have been easier had we had a better relationship. I came to accept the fact that my father loved me but did not like me a long time ago and I find myself day dreaming of what it might have been like to have had a father who liked me, who enjoyed being with me. And then I find myself filling with guilt thinking that if I had been a better son he might have. The emotions consume me and I bury them deep once again. I can't help but to wonder what his reactions might have been had he lived only a short time longer when my "secret" was put forth to the world? I recall the times I heard him to refer to "My Kind" as "those Homos" who would eventually be responsible for the downfall of society due to their degradation of the Family Unit. I recall the conversations between he and my twin brother regarding the idea of Homeschooling if and when it ever got to the point where homosexuality was taught as a viable option to heterosexuality within the public school system. The realization hits that my Father would have been either my greatest supporter or my Greatest Enemy. Either he would have realized how miserable he had help to make his sons life or he would have thrown me to the wayside more readily and speedily than did others in the family. The saddest part is that I honestly have no idea which way he would have reacted. I honestly do not know if my father loved me or despised me? I would like to think that he loved me but could just never show it? Then I think of his relationship with other siblings in the family and realize that he did know how to love, just not me? Then I think of a comment my older brother made before I left Utah. He told me that just prior to Dads death last December Dad told him that the family was going to have to learn to be more accepting and tolerant in the near future. My brother looked at me and said, "I think Dad knew you were about to come out and in his own way was trying to prepare not only the rest of us but himself as well". There have been some instances such as this where I have hope that my family may come to accept things. Then they seem to forget regress to earlier ways of thought. When I think of the closeness that used to exist I realize that life was literally a lifetime ago. Now it is I who has but up a wall, part of me longs for a call or a text, an email, Anything from Anyone in the family and then another part of me wants nothing to do with them. For if I allow them back into my life, if they should so desire (which they do not) then I also allow for the possibility of them hurting me all over again. Talk about a Dichotomy? A good friend reminded me of a Quote from the words of a Great Being, those of Yoda, which I shared with him not long ago: "Train yourself to let go of that which you fear to lose the most". With that I shall close this post reminding all it's readers that even with all this pain I must once again reiterate that I am so grateful that I am now out of the Closet! I chose to allow the possibility of losing that which I loved the most and feared to lose the most in order to LIVE my life. I shall always be open to the possibility that I am wrong but my heart tells me that God created me this way and that He is very pleased with the fact that I have finally accepted the being which he created, that I no longer fight and try to change that which is good. And maybe, just maybe the day will come when my family understands this? And if not, well. . . then I shall enjoy my life regardless, thanking my maker for helping me finally come to understand the good God created when he created this Gay Soul. And if the day comes that I discover that I have misunderstood this concept? Then hopefully the Atonement of my Savior will take effect? If not then nothing really matters anyway, and that is one thought that I try to avoid. So for now I choose to be Happy: In, through, and around all the Crap!


  1. My hearts breaks for you, not feeling the love of your father and the rejection of your family. I believe/hope one day your family will come around and love you for the good man you are.

  2. Thanks for sharing your story, journey and wisdom. I know well the pain of losing people close to you based on no longer being able to deny who you are. It does hurt you are so right about that. I hope you can take some time to slow down and enjoy "life" around you. And focus on the freedom you now have... Cuz you are never going back in the closet!!! Peace and hugs to you my friend.