Sunday, May 9, 2010

Is It Possible to be Grateful for Pain

As I have mentioned writing about abuse as a child has been a difficult decision. Then deciding what to disclose was even more difficult. If you say too much many read your words and think that your a freak. Don't say enough and, well you might as well not write anything. I have had a number of people email me regarding some of these last few posts and these emails have truly touched my heart. For many years you think you are alone in your suffering and then events take place which open your eyes to the pain suffered by many. For some the pain comes from living as a gay man in a str8 world. Others experience it due to abuse from childhood. And there are there those who have physical deformities, mental illness challenges, depression, and the list goes on and on. The one thing we all have in common is that we know what it feels like to hurt. Some have never experienced true love, but everyone on the face of this earth has experienced pain. Looking back I don't know that I would change a thing in my life. The abuse was unbearable at times. Living as a gay man in a Mormon world has proven itself to be an almost impossible task. and yet still I wouldn't change my experiences for anything. For you see I can honestly say for the first time in my life that I "LIKE" who I am. I like the person who resides within this chunk of carbon. I have a love of life and a love of people that I may not have been able to develop any other way than by surviving my experiences. I have a heartfelt empathy for those who are suffering which may never have developed with the pain and heartache felt along the way. When I see a child who has been harmed a flame ignites within that makes me do anything to protect that child. For those who read this post who wish their lives could be different, sit back for a minute close your eyes and ask yourself what is wrong with who you are? And I mean seriously wrong, not just the small stuff that we all know about ourselves that no one else knows. (those things that everyone does but thinks they are the only one who does them) You know like how many times you've masturbated, or the bad thoughts you have in your head when you think of that guy that just walked by. Those things aside, I'm talking about the important stuff here, you know like what the Saviour taught. Things like comforting those who stand in need of comfort? When was the last time you mourned with someone who was mourning? How do you react when you see someone who is hurting? How often do you pass by a stranger in need? If these things are in order then why do we desire to be something we are not? If nothing is truly broken why spend so much time trying to fix what need not be fixed.

I recently had a lady contact me who had been involved with the same group who abused me as a child. She is having a hard time dealing with what happened to her as a child. Working with her has been difficult because it has brought to surface many emotions and memories that I didn't care to have brought to surface. Though it has been difficult this individual desperately needed someone who understood to listen to her and help her realize that she is not crazy, that none of this was her fault. As we talked and she discovered that some of the same people were involved and that they took us to many of the same places her fears and anxieties were somewhat dissipated.

I have had the opportunity of getting to know another young man who was abused as a child and have been able to see him grow in leaps and bounds. (ya I'm talking about you g)

Two others have written telling me of the horrors they endured as children.

Though the purpose of this blog is not necessarily to talk about my childhood abuse I will continue to share some of it from time to time in the hope that those of you out there in the moho blogosphere who have remained silent about the abuse which may have taken place in your life may know that you are not alone, that you do not have to hide that part of your life. That there are others out there who know what you have gone through and who understand. I think the most common fear that I have heard from the moho's who have written me about their abuse is that if people find out they were sexually abused as a child then they will come to the conclusion that the abuse caused them to be Gay. Many have expressed the deep rooted feelings that they know within their very core that the abuse had nothing to do with their being gay. For those dealing with both abuse and being gay, my heart goes out to you, but also listen intently to what I had to say earlier in this post, for I truly would not change a thing from my past. The day will come when you are grateful for the abuse, in a weird sort of way. I know that sounds crazy but there are things you have learned and traits you have developed because of it that are of infinite worth. Learn and grow from them, accept who and what you are and that your past has created the present you. Without your past you wouldn't be who you are today. And for that we can thank the damn bastards! And then hope the Lord deals them theirs in the next life. By so doing you are able to somewhat forgive, move on and spend the rest of your life helping others who so desperately need you.

Isn't it funny how much abuse victims and moho's have in common?


  1. Once again, thank you for sharing this stuff. I am getting to the point where I can start looking at my life and my experiences and being grateful for them, as bad as they were.

  2. Thank you for your post.

    When I talked with my Stake President about my challenges as a gay woman in the church, the first thing he asked was, "Were you sexually abused?" When I answered in the affirmative, he then said, "That is why you are gay. It is impossible for a woman to be gay, unless she has been molested. Now, go find a man, get married, have sex, and live a normal life." (His EXACT words.)

    If the fact that being abused made people gay, we would have a lot more gay folks, according to statistics.

    I appreciate you being so open about the experiences you have had to endure in life. If you would be interested, I could give you the name of a book a friend of mine wrote, dealing with how to heal people from the abuses.

    I hope you are doing well. Thank you, again, for what you write and share. It is very helpful to have people out there who are willing to share their stories.

    I do not share much of my own story on my blog. I did try, in 2002, to write a book that was based on some of what I experienced. If you would care to read it, let me know and I will send you an invitation to the blog where it is housed.

    I will watch through your comments here if you want a link or not.

    Happy night. :)

    Love and respect, always.

  3. For me it's been as though I've been walking around with a huge festering wound that is only covered with a dirty band aid. Learning that I am not alone has brought some of the healing balm of the Atonement to my wounded soul. Thank you for having the courage to share something so personal. I know it can't be easy to go back and relive things as you share them. However, It's a huge help to me to know that you not only have survived but are doing your best to live a happy and productive life.