Thursday, January 21, 2010

Friends Make Life Easier

It's a few days later, my brother and I have at least "talked", the pain and hurt has subsided, and I am hopefully now dealing with the whole twin and family scenario somewhat more rationally. I've received some sound advice from a few wonderful friends and after having mulled most of it over, have chosen a path which will hopefully lead to a good place. To those "maahvelous" (pronounce with a Bostonian accent) friends, you know who you are, THANKS for being there! It never ceases to amaze me how quickly people can become friends, with some strangers you meet, it's almost like you've known them before. This concept is best expressed in a song I heard a few years ago while working as a councilor at EFY. There were many new people coming and going in my life, some where fellow councilors but most were the many EFY campers entering the program each week. Every once in awhile one or two would come along who for one reason or another just sort of stole a place in my heart, it was as if I had known them forever and was not meeting a new friend but being reunited with an old one. Throughout the coming out process I have experience this phenomena more than once with a few of the new friends I have met. There are indeed some wonderfully fantastic brothers and sisters within this, Our Gay Community!

Here are two verses found in the song I refer to above which express this concept:
I believe the title of the song is, A Part of Me!

We were strangers when we met.
And yet it seems I've always known you.
Kindred Spirits brought together
In this time that we've shared.

I was scared before I came here
Afraid I'd just feel lost and lonely.
Only then I saw you smilin'.
And I knew I'd found a friend
Thank You my new Gay Friends for all the love and support you have given during a difficult time in my life. You have indeed made a tough rode much easier and when I was scared and lonely and saw you smilin' I knew I'd found friends.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


A young friend of mine who I have been big brother and mentor to for a number years is having an extremely hard time dealing with the "Guilt" from his habit. I am writing this post in the hopes of getting some good feedback that perhaps I can share with him. So fellow Homos, MoHo's, MoHo's wife's and even you few str8 readers, I would appreciate any deep insights you may have, keeping in mind they are going to an innocent 21 year old!

OK, so it's a touchy subject but I must ask the question, "What is so wrong with it?" I mean think about it: If you take away the religious tradition It's sometimes self fulfilling, relaxing, pleasurable, even insightful, and never brings with it the possibility of contracting an STD. God created man so that he would never run out of swimmers, he must have known how many we would waste? How sad to realize the amount of shame and guilt that many have to endure for practicing something that is most common among men. How sad that because of what I was taught I thought it was the reason for my being attracted to men. And from a purely medical standpoint the more regularly a man ejaculates the lower the risk factor he has for having prostate cancer. LOL

Seriously folks can anyone explain why it is considered so wrong? I'm looking for input! Forgive my frankness but I am serious here. . .

Friday, January 8, 2010

Coming Out Is Worth Whatever It Costs

I need to add a bit in regards to yesterdays post? Though the family has not handled this like I had hoped, and yes I have experienced more pain as a result than I care to think about, I would not go back and undo my coming out for anything in the world. It is worth everything it has cost!!!!! YES it is Good to be Free! (the title of another MOHO Blog) My hopes are that the family, especially my nephew, will come to realize that their actions are not going to change me and that they will come to remember who I am, their brother, uncle, cousin, etc and accept me as I am. But for those of you who have not as of yet "Come Out" please do not let the previous post scare you from doing so because the feelings of self worth and self acceptance which come from so doing are indescribably wonderful. Follow the Spirit and tell people at the right time, and when it happens you may experience some pain but you will also experience a love that you never thought possible radiating from within. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I FEEL of my Father in Heavens love for this little queer gay son of his! And that is worth ANY price which one has to pay. I believe that by spending so much of my life denying what my Father in Heaven had created I was actually in a way offending my creator. I think that He is happy with the decisions I am currently making. At least I feel peace in my decision making process. And aren't we taught that peace is the main way the spirit speaks confirmation to our soul? When times are difficult it is human nature to dwell on that which is causing us pain so I fear that many of my blogs might scare some of you still in the closeters. Yes it is tough but then isn't anything worth doing? I may have temporarily lost some of my family but I have acquired an entire community who have indeed "Circled their Wagons" around this gay child of God and have helped me to endure this particular refiners fire.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Naivete of a young man

It's been almost a month and my nephew, who by the way is 22 and almost like a son, has not spoken a word to me. I have tried calling him but he won't answer his phone, he won't reply to FB messages or texts so I guess it 's time to back off and give the kid the time he needs. I sat my nephew down a few months back and told him that the day was soon approaching when his love for Uncle Rich would be tested. He laughed and told me that his love for me was complete, that it would withstand anything. I inwardly smiled at the naivete of a recently returned missionary, and told him I hoped that was true but time would tell. I think I have dealt at least OK with most of the crap from the family but this kids reactions are like stabbing a knife through my heart, it hurts! I guess in a way it's also my love for him that is being tested. I hope the day never comes in the which he finds out know much pain he has caused his uncle. If I have to face reality I will probably never fully understand the pain and confusion I have brought into his young life either. Too bad this is what Religion has brought into the picture. Things would be different should we truly understand who Christ is and What he taught.

Christmas morning I drove to my Twins home and dropped off the family's gifts. While I was there his wife sat on the floor near the Christmas tree, turned her back to me and sat the entire time I was there (a whoppin 5 minutes) with nay a word leaving her mouth. If you have ever driven down a country road on a hot day and have seen the hot air rising from the road you could imagine what I saw as I looked at her BACK. The Hate was rising from her like the heat vapors from the hot asphalt. My brother accuses me of creating a situation that has brought hardship and pain to his children. I have tried to explain to him that his children will react in accordance to how they see their parents act and that if they have their kids best interest at heart they will show their kids true examples of love and Christianity. I tried to help him see how his wife's hateful response is affecting the kids, but alas to no avail.

I'm not sure what to do next, but I feel the best action might be no action. I have put the ball in their court now I think I need to pull back and let them come to me if they so chose. If they chose not to, well then I guess it's a few more tears then Accept it and move on. . .

Friday, January 1, 2010

Letting Go, Moving On

A good friend and I were having a deep conversation the other day. He and I taught together at the MTC and he made the statement that "spiritually" we both needed to; "get back to where we were back then ". My comment to this was that I could not go back to that way of thinking, though it was a great time in my life with many cherished moments, there was just too much self loathing and ignorance present. Think about it, I was in a place that had the spirit of the Lord around every corner and yet by denying my core self I was so miserable that I found myself in the depths of suicidal contemplation on a regular basis.

Another friend, another conversation, another day. "Rich it's time to let your old life go, you are holding on to a past that has nearly destroyed you. The Lord has given you new direction and you are going kicking and screaming trying to hang on to what you know as safe. The problem Rich is that safety comes at a price. Without spreading your wings to fly you will never know what it feels like to soar". These are the words which came with great fervency of heart and a deep desire to see a friend live a life of happiness and fulfillment. I began to ask myself why it was that I was holding on tightly to that which had brought me so much pain and sorrow. Sometimes the pain of familiarity is preferable to the fear of the unknown.

May 2010 bring with it many great and enduring blessings to the life of Ol Rich. May I have the courage and tenacity to move forward with faith in a Loving God, and most important may I meet the man of my dreams and live Happily Ever After. . .
<--- If you happen to see this good-lookin Man of my Dreams walkin down the street take note and call me fast!