Having recently fully emerged from the closet many have felt the need to remind me of the Church's position in regards to homosexuality. One particular friend, who also happens to be a Bishop, reminded me that the Church has no problem with homosexuality so far as one does not "act" upon their "attractions". Hello -- can't they understand how ludicrous that concept is. I wanted to know how he would feel if I asked him to refrain from any intimate contact with his wife for the rest of his life. He had no answer. I remember sitting as a green (new) missionary in a non-members home teaching them the plan of salvation. The topic of eternal marriage was brought up and my companion made the comment that he could not imagine a God who would allow his children to develop such an intimate love as you find within the marital bonds and then expect them to abandon that relationship upon their death. Why is it that "they" expect us to live a life without that intimacy, and preach that our relationships will end at death because of our orientation. Seriously what kind of a God would this be? There is so much more to the infinite concept of homosexuality than our finite minds can comprehend. While we await this comprehension too many remain lonely without love. I can not believe this is what God wants for his Gay Children, my heart tells my the opposite is true. . . Besides I'm feeling somewhat lonely this Christmas Season, I guess it's the Post coming out, Dad dying, prechristmas Funk?
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
A good friend of mine was going through some rough times and after crying on my shoulder for a day or two he made the following comment, "I've spend a day or two in tears, now it's time to dry my eyes, see the good in the world, and go help someone before I become so consumed with pain and anger that I allow it to take over".
I've been perusing my archive and Dang, the posts have gone down "Funk" lane the past few days. Sorry bout that folks! But what do ya do when you've got all this stuff building inside and there's no place to go? You write about the feelings in your blog. It's a safe venue, the computer screen can't argue with you and tell you that what your feeling has no value. The keys you punch don't argue back, they don't try to get you to see things "their way", they merely allow you to express your thoughts, emotions, and/ or feelings. On the other hand it cannot express any emotion, this thing of plastic, silicon, and steel referred to as a computer has not the ability to give you a hug, tell you your loved, or help convince you that your OK. There are human beings somewhere out there in this cyber-space we refer to as "The Web" who read the things we write and reply with love and concern. To them, Keep it up! Many people have no venue outside of this cyber world or blogoshpere to express themselves and discuss their homosexuality, they need the words of encouragement offered here. People need to understand they are not alone. And dang, this road we are on does at times seem a lonely one. Pulling from the words of a famous author, We have indeed "Chosen The Path Less Traveled. . ."
I knew this was going to be a hard week, but I had no idea how difficult it would in reality be. Things have been fairly strained over the last few years with my family anyway and this has been the icing on the cake as far as many of them are concerned. In their minds, my coming out has proven to them that there were right all along. Thank the heaven's above for reactions like that of my younger bro, he has made the rest hurt a little less. A couple of years ago I began expressing my concerns with the church and some of it's policies. I was not one to rant and rave but for example when my bros and my father were discussing "Homo's" and how they were responsible for the degradation, and or degeneration in our world, and how the "Homos" were going to be responsible for society's downfall if we allow them to continue in their path. . ., I began expressing my concerns with their philosophy and lack of charitable thoughts. I had not as of yet come out, but I knew what they were doing was not right and could no longer keep silent. My family was not pleased with this "New Way of Thinking" and began to warn me of the dangers of questioning the Brethren. From this point on things began to change, family members began pulling away while at the same time pushing me away. My twin brothers wife made the comment to another sister in law that her top priority was the safety of her children and that she would do anything to protect them, even if it meant removing me from their lives . "Protect them from what?" I wondered, as if they thought I was some kind of predator because some of my views differed from their own. Why is it that many so-called Christians have this fear of allowing their kids to associate with anyone who has opinions which may differ from their own. They claim to live the life of Christ and then shout and scream out of anger and bitterness bourne of ignorance. Keep in mind I am referring to my Twin Brother, my other half. If there are any twins out there you know what I am talking about when I refer to the "twin bond". There is a connection that can't be explained. When I was living in Hawaii and he was here in Utah he would always know when I was having a hard time and visa versa. Inevitably I would get a phone call when the day had dumped on me, when I had spent the day in the ER I never had to call and let them know there had been an accident for he already knew and was tracking me down before I had the chance to call. I aways knew that his wife was with child long before they announced it. After moving back to Utah I sat at their dinner table more than at my own. If I missed an evening meal the kids were on the phone wanting to know where I was and why I hadn't come for dinner. In other words, at one time I Was Loved as a family member, until I "started to change" as they put it.
Hold on hold out, keep a hold on strong
The money's in and the bets are down
You won't hold out long
They say you'll fall in no time at all
But you know they're wrong
Known it all along
Hold on hold out, keep a hold on still
If you don't see what your love is worth
No one ever will
You've done your time on the bottom line
And it ain't no thrill
There's got to be something more
Keep a hold on still
You know what it is you're waiting for
Now you just hold on
Hold on hold out, hold on
Give up your heart and you lose your way
Trusting another to feel that way
Give up your heart and you find yourself
Living for something in somebody else
Sometimes you wonder what happens to love
Sometimes the touch of a friend is enough
Hold a place for the human race
Keep it open wide
Give it time to fall or climb
But let the time decide
Sometimes you wonder what's in this for you
But you wait, and you see
'Cause it's all you can do
Just to hold on
Hold on hold out, hold on
For the countless souls beaten by their goals
Keep a hold on now
And the ones betrayed by the deals they made
Keep a hold on
If you hold your ground it'll turn around
Keep a hold somehow
Hold on hold out, keep a hold on tight
Tonight's the night
Wake up and turn on the light
You fight, and you're right...
It's gonna take all your might...
You're a hold out
Well I'm a hold out too
But it took me all this time to figure out
Something you already knew
Will love be true? Can it pull you through?
How long? How strong?
Somethings depend on you
See... I always figured I was going to meet somebody here
and I don't know why
Why should love come down and suddenly just sweep me away
I want to fly
But there are so many things in my way
I guess you wouldn't know unless I told you
I love you
Well just look at yourself...
What else would I do?
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Grand ol Carousel
The world is like a giant carousel turning round and round each day.
Creatures sit high upon it's back going round while up and down.
These may be made of wood or stone, it really matters not.
For both look alike to the untrained eye as they whirl by and by.
If you ask each horse what it feels like to be on this carousel
It might amaze you what they say as they go around in flight.
Some will say life is great, you get to ride for free.
While others say it is hard to face each dawning day.
Some will talk of the wind they feel as they as they gently glide around.
While others feel that going up and down has spent their day in waste.
This one see's the ride as hell, unbarable each day.
And then there's he who rides and looks with eyes wide as can be.
To see the flowers and the tree's with each new turn about.
He see's each blade of grass and thinks This one is real grand
It was not here last time around, it must have grown so fast.
He views the world as his training ground, a grand ol place it is.
God must love him to give him such a life.
This guy see's his brothers, in front and back behind.
Each one painted differently so gallant so divine.
He wonders what he might look like, and feels he must be nice.
For God made him just like the rest, each a beautiful sight.
And then there's he who cannot see himself as pretty as the rest
The others look so happy there, He must have been made with haste
To be so sad and miserable He cannot be like them
He must be the only one whose paint has faded so
Why cannot he be like the rest, beautiful and happy too?
Why is he the only one that goes up and down with haste.
The others move higher than he, or perhaps they move not at all.
Oh yes, they are the lucky ones, to sit firmly planted in their base.
Why oh why could he not be them instead of who he was.
For a moment let Us turn unto the one who made this magical thing.
He must have thought how nice it was to sit and watch each horse
As they moved round on this carousel, His greatest creation yet.
He must be proud of each great horse as they pass by His own view.
The love that went into each one still flowed throughout his soul.
Each one different from the rest, yet somehow still the same.
He hears the horse that cries out loud, saying life is hard, unbearable
Sadly this one somehow misses His creator sitting high upon the hill.
He is so caught up with his woes he cannot see past this carousel
He cannot see the beauty that God placed everywhere.
He knows not the reason he goes round and round...
It is so that he can see the world, all there is see.
The horse that sees this ride as wonderful thanks his master dear
He understands that He was placed carefully, in the spot that was the best.
To show him all that He had made, the creator placed him in it's midst.
He shared with him this mighty sight how lucky could he be!
Finally the day came nigh when the ride stood still
it would not move again.
The creator took each horse and showed them to themselves.
They ooh'd and awe'd as they realized each one was the best.
The one who thought he was so bleak turned out to be the grandest of them all
Yet somehow as he gazed upon himself a sorry sight he saw
What had he missed? And then he realized, He would never know.
The others spoke forever of the sights they saw each day.
They gave thanks and gratitude to the creator of it all
For allowing Them the chance to ride, this grand old carousel.
And now he realizes that joy has passed him by.
He will never get the chance again to ride the carousel
Sunday, November 29, 2009
My greatest fear is that my siblings will keep me from their kids. I love my nieces and nephews with all my heart. I have spent a lifetime loving these kids being much more than just the average uncle, and I will most likely become the apostate one as taught to them by their parents. Many of them are still young enough that whatever their parents say will be taken as fact. I have been "Uncle Richie" for too many years to lose these kids, but am trying to prepare myself for the fact that it could happen.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
“What is real,”?
asked the Rabbit one day when they were lying side by side.
“Does it mean hearing things that buzz inside you and a stick out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you’re made,” said the Skin Horse
“It’s a thing that happens to you.
When a child loves you for a long long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful
“When you are real, you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time.
That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have
sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept.
Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off and your eyes drop out and you get loose at the joints
But these thing don’t matter at all because once you are real you
can’t by ugly, except to people who don’t understand . . . .
Pain and heartache are at times a constant companion on this road. Full acceptance of oneself is a long process and doesn't come all at once. And yes it does at times Hurt. That is why many people give up before reaching the end, the self love and peace may not come to those who break easily or have to be carefully kept. This is why many gay men within the church don't make it on the road to closetless gaydom. Metaphorically speaking by the time an individual has accepted who he is and become "real", most of his hair has been loved off, or more likely torn out by his fellow brother, his eyes have often dropped out (or been plucked out by a well meaning Bishop) and he may feel completely loose at the joints from having been tugged and pulled in a thousand directions by the Bretheren's Many Preachings.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
One year ago I went to my Bishops office to talk with him about how depressed and devastated my life had become. I had fought for so long just to stay alive and I was at the point were I just wanted to die and end the pain. My Bishop was at odds with what to tell me so he recommended that I talk with a member of the ward who worked in a position within the psychology community where he knew many professionals and might be able to recommend someone for me to talk with. To this point I still had not told anyone that I was gay. I called this gentleman and went to his home to talk with him whereupon I learned that he had a private practice specializing in working with Gay Latter-day Saints. My heart skipped about 50 beats but I still could not bring myself to say the words. We talked about some abuse that I had suffered as a child and he gave me the name of a man whom he thought might be able to do me wonders. I made an appointment with this man and had few fantastic sessions. During about our third session he looked me in the eye and said, "Quite bullshitting me rich, if you're not going to be truthful with me then you might as well quite right here". I was so taken back; I replied that I had been totally honest with him and that I had not told him one lie. He sort of rolled his eyes and gave me that "oh brother" look as he shook his head back and forth. OMGosh, I was ready to die, I was sweating profusely; my heart felt like it was going to explode because I feared he had figured out my "Secret". I left that night more depressed and scared that my secret was about to be discovered than I had ever been in my life.
As I was driving home I knew I had to tell someone and I had to do it soon. I also knew that by next week I would not have the courage to tell my new found friend so I pulled over and called him on the phone and told him that he was right that I had not been completely truthful with him that I had something that I needed to tell him and the reason I was calling was to ask him to "make" me tell him next time I saw him. He laughed and said that's your responsibility, don't dump it on me, if you want to tell me something then take the responsibility and do it. I told him that was exactly what I was doing, that by next week I may not have the courage to tell him what I needed to but that I was taking the responsibility right now to make sure that I would follow through next week. He was silent for a moment and finally agreed to bring it up and make sure that I told him in our next session. I am so glad that I had the courage to call him because had I not I know I would never have told him. Because I had committed to tell him my secret I followed through our next visit. I sort of laugh at the whole ordeal looking back on it now but I was so scared at the time. It took me about 20 minutes to finally utter the words and once they had been said I was so sure that he was going to say thanks for being open with me but please don't' come back. The opposite was true. He went out of his way to make sure I knew that he did not look upon me any less for this, the opposite; he admired me for having the courage to tell him. I could feel the love this man had and I knew he did not judge me in the slightest. He also knew how hard this had been and asked me if I would like the person who referred me to him to come over and talk with me for a minute. Keep in mind the person who referred me specialized in working with gay RM's. I thought that perhaps next time he might be present to talk with me for a second but when he got the call he dropped everything and was there within minutes.
For those of you who are still hiding your identity from the world, I wish I could describe the next hour, I felt such relief, I knew that the Lord was guiding me to the people who could help me to accept the fact that I was a Gay Child of God and that as such I was a wonderful and loved individual. The psychologist that I was seeing was not a member of the church but knew the church intimately. That night a non member helped me to understand my Savior more than anyone else had to this point in my life. I had taught who the Savior was and what he did for us literally hundreds of times while teaching at the MTC and I knew with all my heart that the Savior loved the souls whom I taught and that he paid an atoning sacrifice that they may return home to He and His Father upon leaving this life. Yet I also knew that love did not extend to me, I was a homo and there was no hope for me. My secret would go to the grave and at that point it would condemn me. When ever friends would visit from out of town they would want to go see the Movie "Testaments" at the Joseph Smith building. I got to the point were I hated that movie, each time it came near the end to the part where the Savior is visiting the people in America, there was a scene where the Savior leaves the crowd gathered at the temple and goes to a blind man who was injured trying to save his wayward son during the three night of darkness and earthquakes. The blind man was alive when Christ was born 33 years prior, he saw the signs in Heavens foretold by the prophets that would precede the birth of the Messiah. He had lived righteously his entire life dreaming of someday being able to see the Savior and here He was and he could not see Him, when out of nowhere Christ reaches down and touches him and heals him that he might see. The whole point here was that Christ left the crowd and came to the one. Each time this scene played it depressed me because I knew that the Savior would never come to me, he could not love me enough to do such a thing because I was so evil. Every time I was coerced into going I would end up in tears at the end. Those with me thought that it was because the spirit had touched me during the show, if they only knew it was because the movie was just rubbing Gods displeasure with me into my heart like Salt into an open wound. This night my nonmember friend and councilor along with the Brother in my ward, helped me understand that Christ's love did extend to me, that my Father and my Elder Brother fully loved and accepted this Gay Child they had created. When I left these two men I actually felt like God was proud of me as a Gay Man that somehow part of what had disappointed him the most was my denial of what He created.
Here it is one year later and I still feel this way. I have a deeper understanding of the Gospel and my Savior than I have ever before had. My testimony and my faith are stronger than ever, though I do have different beliefs regarding homosexuals and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For now I have come to accept that what the Spirit has witnessed to my soul differs from that which is taught by the Church regarding this issue. There are many times of confusion and question regarding all of this but I have faith that God lives and that He loves me. Until the day comes in the which he reveals more truth to the world I will continue to live my life as a Gay Man with a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
If anyone who reads this post finds themselves in a situation similar to that which I was in a year ago and would like to chat please feel free to email me at MormonGay@gmail.com. I would love to converse with you in further detail regarding your particular circumstances. God sent some special men into my life one year ago to help me accept who I am and if I can be of any help to you it would be a wonderful way to show my appreciation.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
The months that followed were filled with conversations such as this with different family members. I knew that some of my family suspected that I was gay but I was not ready to neither confirm nor deny their suspicions. I was open about the gay friends I was hanging out with but that is as far as I was willing to go in talking to people with such attitudes. One day I drove to my parents house and as I was getting out of the car noticed my mother outside working in her garden. She asked me a question which elicited a comment about my brother and how he did not trust me with his children. She made some snide comment to me regarding my worthiness or possibly the lack thereof and I could contain myself no longer. I told her that I had always been a good example for the kids, that I had always made it a point to be such. She looked me right in the eye with this look of anger and hatred and said, "Oh you have have you, how do we know what you've done?". It reminded me so much of the self righteousness of Bobby's mother in Prayers for Bobby. I responded that I was every bit as worthy of a temple recommend as she was, possibly even more so with her judgemental attitude. I have spent my entire life trying to love and serve others. I don't ever remember a time when I purposefully hurt anyone. I can honestly say that nothing anyone has ever said or done hurt as bad as those words coming from my mother. I guess I could have dealt with it had I deserved them but I have done nothing to warrant them. They came from absolute ignorance. Have we as members of the Church become so hardened through the teachings of "The Church" that we have completely forgotten the teachings of the Saviour? How great shall be that day when Christ shall reign personally upon the earth and the Lion shall lie with the Lamb.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Gay and Mormon. Two words that can hardly be used in the same sentence without gross amounts of emotion ensuing. I was raised in an active Mormon home with parents that taught their children all the correct gospel principals including the teachings that the sin of homosexuality was next to that of murder in seriousness as far as God and the Church were concerned. With this in mind I refused to admit to anyone, including myself that I was gay, a fact that I had known from the time that I was about 11 or 12. I did not label myself as Gay at that early of an age but I knew then that I was attracted to men and not women. I knew that my secret fantasies were of other boys my age and not about girls. My brothers and friends would always talk about the girls they had crushes on and I would wish I did too but then I would see this one particular boy in the ward and think horrible things about him, I thought I was so evil. I can't tell you how many times I followed Elder Packers teachings that if you thought of a church hymn you could drive the evil Imps off the stage of your mind. Yet the dreams and fantasies still came, and I grew up knowing that I was damned.
Dating was a whole-nother experience for me than it was for my brothers. They always had girl friends and more dates than one could imagine, my twin brother included. I felt so out of place, like the "loser of the family" because dating was so horrible for me. The only dates I ever had were set ups which most always turned out disastrous; I just had no desire to go out with girls. Finally during my senior year of high school I had signed up for a co-ed gym class because it was one of the few classes in which you didn't have to play the regular "guy type" sports. In this class we learned how to bowl, play volleyball, tennis, etc. One day we were playing volleyball and I went to spike the ball just as a girl on the other team went after the ball and we collided over the net with me hitting her dead on the breast. She looked me right in the eye and screamed, "You hit me in the Boob". I was mortified. I stayed away from gym class for a week because I was so afraid of having to face her again. Near the end of this week I got a phone call from a young boy telling me to go outside and look at my truck. I had a sweet 64Chevy pickup which I had restored and was scared to death that someone had vandalized it. When I got outside I saw that someone had filled it full of balloons, each one with something inside of it. As I got them in the house and popped them I found a puzzle piece inside each one which when put together was an invitation to a girls choice dance from none other than the girl whom I had hit during the volleyball game. Come to find out she had liked me for quite some time and the "molestation" was the ice breaker.
I accepted the invitation and a two year "romance" ensued. I really did enjoy being with, I shall call her Kim for the purpose of this story, but never had any interest in "romance". I had been dating her just over one year when one day her mother pulled me aside as I was leaving and handed me a letter telling me to read it after I was alone. In the letter her mother told me that if I were going to keep a relationship with her daughter I would have to be a little more affectionate, I would have to kiss her daughter. Imagine that, a mother telling a boy to get "more" affectionate with her daughter. Most parents would do anything to slow the boy down, something that is not necessary when your daughter is dating an In the closet gay boy. The letter scared me to death. I knew that I could not kiss her. At the time I told myself it was because I was being righteous and was saving my kisses for my wife, but deep inside I knew it was because I just didn't want to kiss a girl. Here I was refusing to kiss my girl friend of over a year because I was following the prophet and yet when I would see a cute guy or go to sleep these horrible fantasies would haunt me. Talk about ripping a young soul apart to the very core. I was so confused! I took "Kim" out on her birthday and after the date we went to the park and sat on the swings so we could talk. During the conversation I explained to her that I just wasn't into kissing that I loved being with her and holding hands but that I just couldn't get into the kissing scene because of my beliefs. What a crock!
Our relationship was never quite the same after that. She began dating other guys behind my back, probably to fill her own needs, even seeing an old fling that she had gotten into trouble with before meeting me. There was a part of me that loved her so much, but the romance was just never there. We would spoon while watching movies at her house but the thought of doing something romantic with her never even entered my mind. I was proud of the fact that I was not even tempted to slip into immorality. At the age of 19 I was still a kissing virgin, when asked about it no one could believe that I had gone steady with a girl for two years and had never even once kissed her, a number of people actually called me a liar.
Upon returning home from the mission I dated a number of girls, each time they quickly fell in love with me upon which I would immediately pull away. A number of times I was accused of having commitment problems. Commitment problems heck, what I had was a darn good case of closet homosexuality. Over the next five years I taught at the MTC, worked as a councilor at EFY, worked as a tour guide at temple square, worked as a baptizer in the Salt Lake Temple, and pretty well drowned myself in church service. All the while knowing who I was and trying everything and anything to run from it. The women I dated would see all this and think they had found themselves the next General Authority. I can't tell you how many gals thought they had made the catch of a life only to find that they had merely snagged a "rainbow" trout out of season. (argh argh) People were quite confused with me, they would often ask why such a great guy had not married yet. They would voice their confusion at my lack of ability where serious dating and female relationship building was concerned.
During this time I was attending BYU and was preparing to become a Seminary Teacher. I had finished my student teaching and was readying to receive a class of my own the next fall when the CES department informed me that I had to be married by the age of 27 if I were to continue teaching. The only problem was that I was only weeks away from turning 27 and was definitely not married. You see the church had this rule at the time that you cannot teach seminary full time if you are 27 and single. (I have heard that it has since been changed to 31) Somehow they believe that you are a bad example to the young men and women whom you teach if you are 27 and not married. (Brigham Young refers to this category of men as "Menaces to Society) However in my case they decided to make an exception to the rule and told me that they would extend this to 28 but that if I was not married by that time, out the door with me it would be. I did not go forth to find someone just to fulfill that requirement however soon thereafter I had courted a young lady and asked her to marry me. I had convinced myself that I was in love and could make it work. The week preceding the wedding I knew I was making a big mistake and yet every time I tried to talk to somebody about it they would just tell me that it was the pre-wedding jitters, to buck up and just "do it". So I did. Without going into any details, the wedding night was disastrous. From the time we went to bed I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life and didn't know what to do about it. We weren't scheduled to leave on our honeymoon for two more days so I made some excuse to get away for a few hours and went to talk to my mission president. As we sat down the first question he asked me was whether or not I had any homosexual feelings, upon which I replied, "come on pres you know me better than that". But inside I began to panic, I knew that I had had them since I was a kid and I was so afraid that he might find out. I would rather have committed suicide than to have had him know this secret about me. I knew that he admired me and that if he knew my secret he would hate me, he would think I was the scum of the earth. Literally I would rather have died than to have admitted my inner feelings regarding men. Keep in mind I had never acted on these feelings but I knew that they were present and that they were condemning me, and that I could not change nor stop them. I left his home scarred to death that my revered Mission President may have discovered my deepest secret.
I then went home to my new bride and told her that I was confused and that I thought I had made a mistake. I told her that I needed some time to sort things out and that I would like to move out and go back to dating her in order to get to know her. (The one thing I left out earlier was that I had lived overseas for a period of time just prior to our marriage) I was convinced that if she would just give me the time to get to know her again we could figure things out. She told me that it was not possible to do so that we were either married and together or we were not, no starting over. I guess she thought this ultimatum would scare some sense into me but it just made me dig in deeper for I knew I was not in love with this woman and that I could not be married to someone I could neither love nor make love to. At this time I went from the idolized young man in the ward to the most talked about, gossiped about person in the stake. People went from loving me, almost idolizing me to hating me and spreading the most horrible rumors about me literally over night. Prior to this incident people in our ward would constantly tell me that I was going to be a General Authority someday and now without knowing any of the details they were saying the most horrible things about me. The Bishop and Stake President treated me like they were fathers of a jilted daughter and yet not even once did either of them ask me what had happened, why the marriage had broken up after only one day. My stake president called me into his office and told me that while on his knees the night before, the Lord had born witness to him that I had committed some horrific sin and that I had lied to both he and my Bishop in our interviews prior to the wedding. He told me that this was my one chance to come clean and that if I refused he would stand as a witness against me at the judgment bar of Christ when my final judgment day came.
It is important to remember that tho I had had these homosexual feelings for many years I had not once acted on them. Yet here was my stake president condemning me, basically with the threat of eternal damnation. I nearly ran from his office denying everything but somehow thinking that the inner me was condemned because of whom I was. Looking back on the whole experience I sometimes wonder which spirit had told him things in his office the night before, for I had done nothing wrong I merely had hidden, unacted upon, feelings for men. It is amazing that I could condemn myself so rapidly over something that had remained undone. But I knew after years of church instruction and teaching experience that our very thoughts condemn us. Therefore after this conversation I knew that I was damned, that there was no place for me in the Kingdom of God. As a result soon after this experience depression and suicidal thoughts slowly took over my life.