Sunday, February 28, 2010

Sex Abuse part two "Pure Evil"

It's been a couple of days since I last wrote mainly because these posts are somewhat more difficult to write than the others have been but for whatever reasons I feel the need to write them. I honestly thought I would never be sharing this part of my life with people, let alone in such a public forum as this. When looking back upon my life I often tell myself; "It is what it is" deal with it and move forward.

Perhaps it is by sharing and talking about this crap that the next step forward can begin.

Beware, for to some it may come across as a bit strong and perhaps Adult rated but remember, It is what it is:
He might as well have been the Devil himself for my step grandfather was a man who got off by forcing children to watch him masturbate, shoving their faces into the crotches of adults, and drugging kids while then tying them up to be used in his ceremonial practices. Never did this man or his cronies care one bit what kind of damage they inflicted upon those whom they hurt. The only thing they cared about was satisfying their own needs, lusts, desires, and psychopathic belief system.

It shall forever be implanted within my mind each and every time these people committed their horrocities, however it no longer haunts me as it has for most of my life. I have finally been able to accept things and move forward. I have realized that I cannot change yesterday and I cannot live a tomorrow which has not yet occurred. The only thing I can do is to enjoy and make good use of this very moment. A good friend helped me to look deep inside one day and realize that nothing was broken, that these inhuman monsters never had the power to break me, to permanently damage me in ways that couldn't be healed. They merely had the power to momentarily control me and cause much pain along the way.

One of the reasons I fear sharing this is because there will be those who will look at these experiences and say to themselves, "so that's what caused Rich to be Gay"! With this in mind some have thought they could "fix" me so that I might give up these attractions and reconcile myself with God and His Church. Those who feel this way do not understand homosexuality. I was abused by men and women alike. I was put in situations that would turn many away from sex of any kind. These were horrible experiences yet deep within I know they had nothing to do with my orientation. If anything they would have caused me to desire celibacy, not same sex attraction.

My grandmother had to have known the evil within this man. One night I was sleeping over at their house as I often did. Grandma came in and woke me up somewhere past midnight, grabbed my belongings and ushered me out the door telling me that grandpa was home and he had been drinking so I had to go home. I remember thinking that she was acting real funny, almost like she was in a panic and terrified. I later learned that he had threatened her life and that of many of my family members if she ever pulled any "shit" on him. Twice that I know of my grandmother had broken bones. One time she told us that she was walking in a parking lot and a car backed into her. Once again I later discovered that both times "he" had beaten her and broken her bones, by throwing her down the stairs.

The first recollection I have of any abuse occurred one night when he made me touch him and watch as he masturbated. I had no idea what this was all about but I knew I did not like it, I was terrified. The second occurrence took place during one of their ritual ceremonies. During the course of their activities clothes came off and the face of a young six to seven year old was forced into the crotch of some old lady. Even as I write this the memory comes alive and I can almost smell the most foul stench imaginable. The smell is what I remember most. Funny how decades later I can be transported back to childhood and literally physically smell what I smelled then. The mind is a powerful thing. One day about six years ago I was sitting in an office as I volunteered time for one of my favorite charities when in walked this woman who smelled horrible. I literally had to leave the room to keep from upchucking. As I walked choking into the restroom the memory of this incidence flooded my mind and soul as if had actually happened only moments before. Some memories are always present, others are buried deep until one day without warning something triggers you within and a new memory comes gushing forth as if the floodgates of hell have been opened wide. I think some memories are so horrific that in order to remain sane the mind buries them deep until one is ready to deal with the ramifications that accompany them.
Im not sure what I will share next for there are many experiences to choose from. . .

To the molestors, rapists, and abusers of the world; Here's To Ya --->
(Not exactly the Christ like love I spoke of in my last post, SORRY!) I want to be loving and kind but the emotions run deep were these individuals are concerned.


  1. takes alot of courage to share stuff like this.

  2. Present and reading. Carry on. I'll be "listening."