Saturday, December 5, 2009

It's coming to get you?

Ever feel like you've merely stopped to cool your feet in the river and the "Aligator" is coming to ''gobble you up"?

I've been perusing my archive and Dang, the posts have gone down "Funk" lane the past few days. Sorry bout that folks! But what do ya do when you've got all this stuff building inside and there's no place to go? You write about the feelings in your blog. It's a safe venue, the computer screen can't argue with you and tell you that what your feeling has no value. The keys you punch don't argue back, they don't try to get you to see things "their way", they merely allow you to express your thoughts, emotions, and/ or feelings. On the other hand it cannot express any emotion, this thing of plastic, silicon, and steel referred to as a computer has not the ability to give you a hug, tell you your loved, or help convince you that your OK. There are human beings somewhere out there in this cyber-space we refer to as "The Web" who read the things we write and reply with love and concern. To them, Keep it up! Many people have no venue outside of this cyber world or blogoshpere to express themselves and discuss their homosexuality, they need the words of encouragement offered here. People need to understand they are not alone. And dang, this road we are on does at times seem a lonely one. Pulling from the words of a famous author, We have indeed "Chosen The Path Less Traveled. . ."

I knew this was going to be a hard week, but I had no idea how difficult it would in reality be. Things have been fairly strained over the last few years with my family anyway and this has been the icing on the cake as far as many of them are concerned. In their minds, my coming out has proven to them that there were right all along. Thank the heaven's above for reactions like that of my younger bro, he has made the rest hurt a little less. A couple of years ago I began expressing my concerns with the church and some of it's policies. I was not one to rant and rave but for example when my bros and my father were discussing "Homo's" and how they were responsible for the degradation, and or degeneration in our world, and how the "Homos" were going to be responsible for society's downfall if we allow them to continue in their path. . ., I began expressing my concerns with their philosophy and lack of charitable thoughts. I had not as of yet come out, but I knew what they were doing was not right and could no longer keep silent. My family was not pleased with this "New Way of Thinking" and began to warn me of the dangers of questioning the Brethren. From this point on things began to change, family members began pulling away while at the same time pushing me away. My twin brothers wife made the comment to another sister in law that her top priority was the safety of her children and that she would do anything to protect them, even if it meant removing me from their lives . "Protect them from what?" I wondered, as if they thought I was some kind of predator because some of my views differed from their own. Why is it that many so-called Christians have this fear of allowing their kids to associate with anyone who has opinions which may differ from their own. They claim to live the life of Christ and then shout and scream out of anger and bitterness bourne of ignorance. Keep in mind I am referring to my Twin Brother, my other half. If there are any twins out there you know what I am talking about when I refer to the "twin bond". There is a connection that can't be explained. When I was living in Hawaii and he was here in Utah he would always know when I was having a hard time and visa versa. Inevitably I would get a phone call when the day had dumped on me, when I had spent the day in the ER I never had to call and let them know there had been an accident for he already knew and was tracking me down before I had the chance to call. I aways knew that his wife was with child long before they announced it. After moving back to Utah I sat at their dinner table more than at my own. If I missed an evening meal the kids were on the phone wanting to know where I was and why I hadn't come for dinner. In other words, at one time I Was Loved as a family member, until I "started to change" as they put it.
Now? I don't remember the last time I was invited for dinner, His wife generaly gives me the "if looks could Kill" look when she sees me. Once in a while she is able to force herself to be amiable, but that's about it. The separation pains have gone deep and they have hurt over the past couple of years. I thought I had done a good job of accepting the "New Order" of things. However. . . my Twins reaction to our conversation brought all the pain and sorrow back instantly, like a searing hot knife ripping through my soul. I know that this too shall pass, that possibly I am making a much bigger deal out of it than need be, but pain is real and when it is present it hurts. Have you ever felt like you lost a part of you and that no matter what you are able to do and accomplish you are incomplete without it. That's what it's like to have your Twin ripped from you. I guess there's been enough Self Pity, it's time to move on and hope for a better tomorrow where my family is concerned. . .
As I have expressed before I am somewhat of a music junkie. When I get in a funk music helps me to deal with my emotions. This morning I have been listening to my all-time favorite song which was introduced to me by my favorite missionary companion, Elder "C", the name of the song is "Hold On Hold Out" which I believe was written by Craig Doerge and sung by Jackson Brown.

Hold on hold out, keep a hold on strong
The money's in and the bets are down
You won't hold out long
They say you'll fall in no time at all
But you know they're wrong
Known it all along

Hold on hold out, keep a hold on still
If you don't see what your love is worth
No one ever will
You've done your time on the bottom line
And it ain't no thrill
There's got to be something more
Keep a hold on still
You know what it is you're waiting for
Now you just hold on
Hold on hold out, hold on

Give up your heart and you lose your way
Trusting another to feel that way
Give up your heart and you find yourself
Living for something in somebody else
Sometimes you wonder what happens to love
Sometimes the touch of a friend is enough

Hold a place for the human race
Keep it open wide
Give it time to fall or climb
But let the time decide
Sometimes you wonder what's in this for you
But you wait, and you see
'Cause it's all you can do
Just to hold on
Hold on hold out, hold on

For the countless souls beaten by their goals
Keep a hold on now
And the ones betrayed by the deals they made
Keep a hold on
If you hold your ground it'll turn around
Keep a hold somehow

Hold on hold out, keep a hold on tight
Tonight's the night
Wake up and turn on the light
You fight, and you're right...
It's gonna take all your might...

You're a hold out
Well I'm a hold out too
But it took me all this time to figure out
Something you already knew
Will love be true? Can it pull you through?
How long? How strong?
Somethings depend on you
See... I always figured I was going to meet somebody here
and I don't know why
Why should love come down and suddenly just sweep me away
I want to fly
But there are so many things in my way

I guess you wouldn't know unless I told you
I love you
Well just look at yourself...
What else would I do?

Hold on...

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