Friday, November 27, 2009

What is Real

In my last blog I mentioned that I am beginning to feel like I am losing my religion. For anyone who has been there you might understand how this tears at ones soul. I say this yet at the same time feel a great peace with the direction things are heading. Talk about a Dichotomy. When one stretches and grows it is often painful, yet rewarding. Traveling this road reminds me of a particular scene in the story of the Velveteen Rabbit where the skin horse and the rabbit are conversing one with another:

“What is real,”?
asked the Rabbit one day when they were lying side by side.
“Does it mean hearing things that buzz inside you and a stick out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you’re made,” said the Skin Horse
“It’s a thing that happens to you.
When a child loves you for a long long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful
“When you are real, you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time.
That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have
sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept.
Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off and your eyes drop out and you get loose at the joints
But these thing don’t matter at all because once you are real you
can’t by ugly, except to people who don’t understand . . . .

Pain and heartache are at times a constant companion on this road. Full acceptance of oneself is a long process and doesn't come all at once. And yes it does at times Hurt. That is why many people give up before reaching the end, the self love and peace may not come to those who break easily or have to be carefully kept. This is why many gay men within the church don't make it on the road to closetless gaydom. Metaphorically speaking by the time an individual has accepted who he is and become "real", most of his hair has been loved off, or more likely torn out by his fellow brother, his eyes have often dropped out (or been plucked out by a well meaning Bishop) and he may feel completely loose at the joints from having been tugged and pulled in a thousand directions by the Bretheren's Many Preachings.

Knowing this is what the path holds in store, one must remember that in order to reach the desired results he must remain true to himself and not lose sight even through the harshest of storms. Always remember that the end result is Peace. Once you have experienced the peace of knowing who you are and have felt the Love that your Heavenly Father has for his "Gay" child none of the rest matters because you finally realize that you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand. The anger towards those ignorant souls subsides because you begin to realize that they just don't understand, therefore it doesn't matter if they think you are ugly. Those that matter see the Beauty within your soul!

Is it possible that I am not "Losing my Religion" at all but merely experiencing the pains that accompany growth?

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