Sunday, December 6, 2009

Gay from the Get Go. . .

I woke up at about 4:00 and couldn't get back to sleep so I turned on the Television and watched the DVD "Christmas Shoes" starring Rob Lowe. I love the song by Newsong but had never before watched the movie. It has been sitting amongst my Christmas collection on the movie shelf for a couple of years and this morning I thought what the heck, Rob Lowe is a cutie why not watch it. Not only did I get to see "Robbie" but was quite touched by the movie itself. I would highly recommend it for those of you have not seen it as of yet. Wholesomeness and Cuteness, dang! you can't beat that combination.

Rob Lowe and Robbie Benson are two actors I like, probably because I had a crush on both as a teen. For some reason watching Lowe caused me to reflect upon a television movie I watched when I was about 11 years old. I believe the name of the show was "Ode to Billy Joe" at least it was a movie adaptation of the song. Like I said I was about 11 at the time and wasn't able to sleep so I snuck downstairs and turned the TV on, found this show and sat to watch. Robbie Benson played a teenager who lived near Choctaw Ridge somewhere in Mississippi. I immediately felt a connection with the character Billy Joe played by a young Robbie. During the movie he and his friends went to the county fair and during their adventures they ended up at the tent row of ill repute. The young teens were going into the tents and visiting the "Ladies" inside. Billy ended up in a tent with a guy in it and experienced his first homosexual encounter. An experience which caused a great deal of shame and emotion within. Living in the South was a lot like living in a Mormon society, one was taught that he would be better off dead than to be a Homo. Billy Joe MacAllister was a self-repressed homosexual, and leapt to his death from the Tallahatchie Bridge out of shame, frustration, and I might add ignorance. I wept as I watched this guy I had just "fallen for" leap to his death. I remember jumping to my feet and yelling "no, don't jump" at the television screen as he prepared to jump. It was the first of a few gay suicide experiences I would encounter in my life. At this young age I could not comprehend why he felt he had to kill himself just because he liked another boy?

How could I have been so naive all these years, I was gay from the very beginning.

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