Last October I wrote a post titled "Safety Net". In this post I talked about not needing the safety net of weight and how after having "come out" I began accepting myself and loving the person I saw looking back in the mirror each morning. Before I knew it I was losing weight and taking care of myself for the first time in over 10 years. At the time I wrote the post I had lost about 80 some odd pounds. Here it is roughly 3 months later and that number has hit just over 120. This past year has been amazing? It has been filled with Joy, Sorrow, Happiness and Pain. It has brought love and understanding into my life and yet I have experienced more hate and ignorance than I ever knew existed. I have learned that those who you thought loved you the most have the power to hurt you the most. I have learned that there are pure righteous individuals residing within the Gay community who have a sincere desire to just plain be Good! i have discovered that truth is not necessarily what I always thought it to be. And through it all I have come to Love myself, truly love the person inside! The Gay, fun loving, risk taking, little socialite that lives within this carcass is a pretty decent guy! And that knowledge is worth all the pain and sorrow felt along the way of gaining it. One of the rewards I promised myself for reaching 120 was to go skydiving, so guess were this boy is going the second week in march? I found this jumping school in Mesquite, NV that is supposed to be one of the best in the country. I'm actually jumping out an airplane and am skinny enough to do it. Well I will admit, we're not skinny yet, but skinny enough to jump. Actual goal weight of 170 will be next July or August. How could I have known that coming out was the best way to lose weight ever? Anyway I just wanted to talk about what an incredible journey this has been and express my thanks and love for my new found MOHO and just plain HO friends. You have helped to make this difficult journey much better and easier to endure. I look back at a post I wrote describing a time in my life when I just wanted to die, and I am sooooo thankful that I never followed through with that desire. (Suicide)
I now know what it feels like to go on a date with someone who you think is "kinda cute". I know what it feels like to sit on a couch with 8 gay guys so scrunched that no one can move and to feel of the love present among good friends. It scares me that I might have never known the joy of holding a mans hand while on a romantic walk through the park. Or what it feels like to have your bo holding tight as you cruise down the highway on the motorcycle. I have felt the darkest of dark, I "KNOW" what it feels like to want to die! I also know what it feels like to work your way through those times and to live. I now know what it feels like to love and be loved. I now know what it feels like to actually like who you are. Being Gay is a good thing, and don't ever allow anyone to convince you otherwise. Just listen to your heart, it will tell the truth and once you know the truth follow the direction in which it guides you. These are just some of the lessons I have learned over the last year through my "Coming Out"!