Moho Morph Chapter Two

For most of my life I hid the real Rich. Most saw me but my true identitly remained hidden. No one ever saw my real face all they saw was the mask I wore. I was a faceless, closeted Mormon Homosexual in despair, until. . .

I was talking with one of my best friends the other day and we were talking about the progress I have made since having accepted that I was Gay. She made the comment that she couldn't believe how happy I seemed and what a difference it was from even a year ago. She said that she was at one time scared to death that she was going to get a phone call informing her that I had killed myself. She told me that these were rough times for her because she knew there was nothing beyond just being there for me that she could do. She reminded me of the very instance, the very phone call were she knew that the tide had turned and that I was going to be alright.

In one of my prior posts I tell of the experience I had with a councilor who was able to help me change my life. I was one of the gay Mormons who fell under the reparative therapy theory era. I was convinced that my soul was damned because I liked guys and often I had "bad" thoughts enter into my mind which would not stop coming no matter how hard I tried. No matter how hard I tried I could not force myself to change, I could not make myself be attracted to the ladies and neither was God making it happen no matter how often nor how sincere I begged. Over a period of time this ate at my soul. I remember sitting in General Priesthood meeting on numerous occasions and listening to brethren say things that I took as damning my soul. If only I was good enough, if only I tried harder, if only I served more, if only. . . But nothing worked, I still had the most horrible thoughts continually enter my head when it came to certain men around me that I found attractive. I fought it more than I could express here with mere words, but to no avail. My life had become so consumed with the fight that life itself lost all meaning. When one believes his soul is damned there is no reason to go on. Over a period of time this took it's toll and drained my being of most of the drive within. This is the period my friend was talking about when she made the comment regarding how worried she was about me. Little did she know at the time that her phone calls literally kept me alive. I remember the night she referred to when I actually had my 45 out on the bed next to me while I was talking with her on the phone. I had called to say my goodbyes. I don't remember what she said or did, but obviously whatever it was worked for I am here today writing this post. Another time I stood perched on the outside edge of a freeway overpass readying to jump. Every time a semi-truck drove by I noticed a car or minivan near and feared that the truck would swerve and hit the vehicle killing it's passengers. I stood on that overpass from about 11:30 till nearly 3:30ish in the morning. These instances have much more detail to them but suffice it to say I had lost all hope.

The moment my friend was referring to when she knew the tides had turned occurred one night when I called her on the phone as I was leaving a new councilor's house. By this time I wasn't attending church much because it hurt too much. My bishop called me in one day and asked if I would talk to his neighbor, a new member of the word who happened to be a dean in the psyche department at a local university. He thought that this man might be able to recommend a councilor who might be able to help me. The night I met him I was scarred to death that he might see how desperate I really was, that he might discover my hidden secret. If that happened I didn't know what I would do. During the course of our visit I learned that he had a private practice which specialized in working with gay returned missionaries. Holy Cow now I was really petrified, I knew that he knew. Oddly enough as time went on I later found out that I had hidden it so well that even he did not pick up on it during our chat. He recommended a councilor to me and told me that this was one of the best he had ever worked with. I went to see this person and clicked with him from the moment we met. He told me during our first visit that he strongly believed that if he could not help an individual to learn how to help themselves within a three month period that either he wasn't doing his job or that his pt wasn't willing to change. Once again I won't go into details here but something happened inside of me that night, a light was reignited deep within. As I was sitting there in his home talking with him I knew that there was hope. As I was leaving he looked at me and thanked me for coming but asked that I perhaps call it a good visit but not return. I was shocked. He then preceded to tell me that if I wasn't able to be honest with him, to stop bullshitting him as he put it, then I was merely wasting his time and mine. I assured him that I was being honest with him, to which he replied "Bull". I left in tears completely committed to never darken his door again. However I knew he as right, I knew what he was talking about too yet I was not about to tell anyone. My heart told me that this was my chance to come clean, this was my chance to finally deal with this thing which had destroyed my life. Within three minutes of leaving I called him on the phone and told him that he was right and that I would tell him everything the next week if he would see me again. The next week I said the words "I am Gay" out loud for the first time in my life and I have not looked back since. That night my soul was freed! As I left his home I called my friend and talked with her about having met a new councilor that I really thought could help me. Keep in mind though I had told Rich that I was gay this friend did not know, or at least I thought she didn't know. It would be another month before I was ready to start telling others and she was the first to know.

As we were talking on the phone last night she told me that it was that night as I left Rich's house that she knew that I was going to be OK. Rich has somewhat of a different philosophy when it come to counseling people, he believes that we all have the answers within we just need some help learning how to access them. My Moho blogosphere friends I cannot even begin to describe what I felt that night as the light was reignited. There have been some rough times since then, the roughest when I first told my family and all Hell broke loose. However it is important to note that even then the absolute darkness of despair never entered my soul again. I told Rich one year ago this coming September and my family the following December.

In trying to deny my core it drove me to despair and near suicide. In accepting the Gay soul within it brought complete peace and joy into my life. If one is to research the fruits of the Spirit, it becomes obvious which came from God and which from Satan himself. I have come to believe that God does not want me to deny who I am, His love for me goes deep and his heart aches when he sees the despair from having tried so hard to change something that is for me unchangeable. I do not understand homosexuality, I do not claim to have the answers but my heart tells me I am finally on the right path which will eventually lead to eternal happiness.

For now I will continue to attend Church, to interact with the members of my ward, and to do so as an openly Gay man. I will no longer be ashamed of who I am. I will no longer hide in the closet. I have a hope that by so doing I may be able to open the eyes of some and make the path easier for those who follow in my footsteps. As you can see from my last post this is already beginning to happen.

NOTE: When I finally told my friend Brenda that I was Gay her reply was, "Well it's about time, I was wondering if I was going to have to tell you".

I think that I will share photos of the Rich who was lost and in despair and then some of the Present Rich who in the Morphing process in my next post?

The Homo Metamorphasis

This whole coming out process is definitely a metamorphosis. I have gone through numerous different stages from self loathing and hatred to self acceptance. From Suicide to a deep rooted love of life. I have gone from Loving the Church and thinking it fault free to having much anger for being duped then back to the middle where I realize that the church is not perfect. The prophet and the men running the church are merely men who make mistakes, but that doesn't make the Church wrong. It just means the Lord has no choice but to use imperfect faulty men to run his earthy organizations. I can honestly say that my anger stage is pretty well over, but it is important to remember that I have no intention of ever going back to my previous states of belief. I still haven't decided exactly where I am at with the Church but I can at least attend without the intense anger.

Not only is this a changing growing experience for myself but for everyone around me who has to deal with the fact that I am gay. My Family, my church, my friends, I have seen them all morph, some for the better some for the worse. Last Friday I went to a game night with my bro and his wife. The first Friday of every month they meet with about twenty to thirty of their friends from the ward to play games and EAT! While there the women kept coming up to me and hugging me or putting their arm around me and welcoming me, keep in mind my bro had told most in the ward that I was Gay before I even started attending. The women were going out of their way to make this Gay brother of their good friend feel welcome and the men, bless their hearts were having an extremely difficult time even saying hi to me. Not that they were showing hatred and anger, just confusion and uncertain as to how to act around a gay guy. I think many of them will come around, some wont but many will. The hostess approached me and began to inform me that I was invited to become a permanent guest at their little gatherings. she told me that most people came with their spouse, but some came with their date or "partner". (I loved how she threw in Partner) I laughed and said, "I can only imagine how everyone would act if I ever showed up with a "partner". She got real serious and looked at me and said, "You are welcome here anytime with "anyone" boyfriend, girlfriend your welcome". WOW! This was a first for me, so different from my experience with church members in Utah. My third time attending this ward one of the Sisters found out about me and attempts to line me up with her gay friend. Three sisters standing outside the Relief Society room attempting to find me a boy. There are those who despise me here too but I am also seeing a much better side of Mormondom. Two of my brothers friends from the Ward arranged to take him skeet shooting this mornin and he invited me to tag along. I was somewhat, OK not somewhat, a whole lot uncomfortable with the whole situation. Keep in mind the men in the ward don't know how to act around me. It didn't take long before we were all just friends, not str8 men with a gay man but equal human beings out having fun. As we were all readying to depart one of the men came up to me, took my hand into his to shake with his other hand on top of the back of my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, "I am really glad you were able to come and that I was able to get to know you". It felt like he was trying to say "I am sorry I misjudged you and after getting to know you realize that you are just a normal decent guy". It felt extremely sincere.

For any of you who have read my blog you well know that many in my family have been absolute poops through my coming out, and that is putting it mildly. For mothers day I sent my mom Carol Lyn Pearson's book No More Goodbyes. Last week I found out that she had not started the book and had no real intentions of doing so. My older brother and his family were on their way to Nauvoo this week to do a pageant of some sorts so I called his wife and asked her if she would go pick up two books from my mom and bring them to me. She asked what books and I told her that mom would know if she just said I want the books back. She asked her husband my brother to pick them up on his way home from work. Mom gave them to him and he walked to his car before looking to see what they were. Important to note this bro is not "Good" with my gayness. I feared he would throw the books away if he knew what they were. Instead he walked back into the house handed them to Mom and said, "Mom I cant take them, I can't get rid of the feeling that you need to read them and you need to start now". WOW! Blew my mind when I heard this. He left and I hadn't heard from mom until this afternoon about what happened. This afternoon she called and informed me that she had been reading "the book". She then began apologizing for how horrible she, the family and the world had treated me. She said that what she read really opened her eyes to what gay men go through, especially gay men within the Mormon church. She said she felt sick that "my People" had suffered so much because of people like her. She told me that she was going to have a talk with each of my siblings and let them know how she now feels about the whole thing. She said that she was going to try to get my twin to read Carol Lynn's book. To be honest I doubt he will but then again I thought my Mom really wouldn't either. Even if she goes back to the way she was it was worth it just to hear her say the things she said today and to actually apologize for what she has done. As any who has gone through this with families who turn on them know it makes life hell. It is almost indescribable what it feels like to have people who you thought loved you turn on you merely because you are gay. To have your twin brother, your literal other half who you have been inseparable with, say some of the most vile horrible things to you. To know that they think you are the lowest of low the worst of the worst. The pain goes so deep that it can literally cause one to temporarily loose the will to live. But I sit back today and thank God that with the help of some good friends I was able to make it through those darkest of days, for if I had ended things when they were at their worst I never would have known the love and joy that I now experience. I never would have met some of the best people I have ever known. I never would have known true love. It is still a day to day roller coaster ride but the lows are not so low and the highs are. . . well, they're great! And the best part is that I am able to help others as a result of having gone through it myself. It will be interesting to see where life's changes take me next. My heart feels deep love and compassion for those who chose death over life. They just didn't understand that things could get better. I hope that as you read this you can see that even some of the worst scenarios have the possibility of turning out OK if you will but see things to the end. For now I don't have any expectations where the family is concerned what I will do is enjoy the good moments when they occur. And endure the not so good ones as they arise. And as a side effect of having finally accepted who I am I have experienced the fantastic Morph of the Body as well as the soul. After accepting myself I was finally able to let go of the wieght. I started losing weight one year ago this month. During this period I have lost just over 160 Lbs and am actually allowing myself to "Crush".

How to Ask Out that Special Boy

Dating for the Gay Dummy

I've noticed that people develop crushes and then are afraid to let the crushee know they liked. So here's the challenge, Do something nice for that person and see how they react. If they respond kindly or return inkind then you may just have a chance, take the next risk and ask them out. Go ahead take the risk what have you got to loose? The worst that can happen is that you may hear the word NO.

Why is it that mankind is afraid to let their feelings be known? Why are we afraid to let someone know we think they are a pretty decent guy and would like to get to know them better? I fall into this trap myself. If by some chance you happen to be on the receiving end of this challenge treat the person with respect. If you like them jump at the chance to get to know them better, if you don't like em so much then be nice but simply decline the offer respectfully. A simple line like, "thanks but I'm not really interested in going out". Short, honest and to the point. Hey what a novel idea, "Get Rid of the Mind Game" part of the dating game! Come on boys lets do it right, get out there and let that special someone know you think they're Hot!

Live, Love and Enjoy

I have spent a life time trying to help others who suffer. As a child and well into my adult life I was constantly looking for someone to come along who truly cared and who would save me from the atrocities from which I had suffered. It is somewhat easy to admit that someone abused you as a child but much more difficult to admit that it went on well into the teenage years. Marilyn Vanderber, Miss American in 1958, talks of her father and how he abused her almost nightly well into her late teens. If people have a hard time understanding how one could allow it to continue to such an age try being the one who it happened to. You become such an underdog that you have no idea how to make it end. It has become such a part of your life and you fear the individual so much that you don't know how to make it stop. While on my mission I came to develop a very close relationship with a particular family in Haverhill, Massachusetts. This family had a teenage son who used to beg my companion and I to take him out working with us constantly. We enjoyed having him along so we obliged whenever we could. We thought it odd that a young teenager would want to spend so much time with us. One morning we were at their house introducing a young man we had just baptized to seminary. The mother of this family was the ward seminary teacher. While there a huge fight broke out between this young son of hers and his step father. We were later to find out that the step father had been abusing the kid since he was seven years old. This particular morning he went into the room to wake him and did some inappropriate things to which the kid finally after all these years exploded. Many ask why he allowed it to go on for so many years, almost like they were accusing him of being responsible for the abuse. The stories go on and on but this much I have come to fully understand, The child, whether toddler, youth, or teenager is not to blame. These monsters used me and many like me to fulfill their selfish lustful desires. They used such tactics as death threats not only to myself but to my family members. They used drugs to try and control me, they would sneak them into food and on the back of stickers in the sticker books they gave me. They had so much control that one had no way of escape. Finally the day comes when they no longer have the control. For some it comes from shear age and rebellion. Some hit the breaking point and literally explode. It almost always comes to a stop at some point but for all it leaves scars that last generally last a life time.

I have recently had the blessed opportunity of working with some of the best people I know who were also abused as children. I have come to dearly love these individuals and have come to truly and completely admire them for the courage they have shown in coming forth and dealing with the shit that these abusing monsters inflicted upon them.

One of the similarities I have noticed is as I have mentioned before, people like to blame the Gay thing on the abuse. It just is not true. If abuse were to blame to for sexual orientation there would be so many more gay people. Most people I know who were sexually abused as children are hetro. I think the percentages who are gay are rather small. Anyone who reads this and has a story to share I would love to hear your story.

Go bless all you moho's out there who are suffering for whatever reasons. Know that you are not alone and that happiness is just around the corner if you will but endure. I believe that God meant for us to be happy, Gay Str8 it matters not, we were meant to live, love and enjoy eachother.

Is It Possible to be Grateful for Pain

As I have mentioned writing about abuse as a child has been a difficult decision. Then deciding what to disclose was even more difficult. If you say too much many read your words and think that your a freak. Don't say enough and, well you might as well not write anything. I have had a number of people email me regarding some of these last few posts and these emails have truly touched my heart. For many years you think you are alone in your suffering and then events take place which open your eyes to the pain suffered by many. For some the pain comes from living as a gay man in a str8 world. Others experience it due to abuse from childhood. And there are there those who have physical deformities, mental illness challenges, depression, and the list goes on and on. The one thing we all have in common is that we know what it feels like to hurt. Some have never experienced true love, but everyone on the face of this earth has experienced pain. Looking back I don't know that I would change a thing in my life. The abuse was unbearable at times. Living as a gay man in a Mormon world has proven itself to be an almost impossible task. and yet still I wouldn't change my experiences for anything. For you see I can honestly say for the first time in my life that I "LIKE" who I am. I like the person who resides within this chunk of carbon. I have a love of life and a love of people that I may not have been able to develop any other way than by surviving my experiences. I have a heartfelt empathy for those who are suffering which may never have developed with the pain and heartache felt along the way. When I see a child who has been harmed a flame ignites within that makes me do anything to protect that child. For those who read this post who wish their lives could be different, sit back for a minute close your eyes and ask yourself what is wrong with who you are? And I mean seriously wrong, not just the small stuff that we all know about ourselves that no one else knows. (those things that everyone does but thinks they are the only one who does them) You know like how many times you've masturbated, or the bad thoughts you have in your head when you think of that guy that just walked by. Those things aside, I'm talking about the important stuff here, you know like what the Saviour taught. Things like comforting those who stand in need of comfort? When was the last time you mourned with someone who was mourning? How do you react when you see someone who is hurting? How often do you pass by a stranger in need? If these things are in order then why do we desire to be something we are not? If nothing is truly broken why spend so much time trying to fix what need not be fixed.

I recently had a lady contact me who had been involved with the same group who abused me as a child. She is having a hard time dealing with what happened to her as a child. Working with her has been difficult because it has brought to surface many emotions and memories that I didn't care to have brought to surface. Though it has been difficult this individual desperately needed someone who understood to listen to her and help her realize that she is not crazy, that none of this was her fault. As we talked and she discovered that some of the same people were involved and that they took us to many of the same places her fears and anxieties were somewhat dissipated.

I have had the opportunity of getting to know another young man who was abused as a child and have been able to see him grow in leaps and bounds. (ya I'm talking about you g)

Two others have written telling me of the horrors they endured as children.

Though the purpose of this blog is not necessarily to talk about my childhood abuse I will continue to share some of it from time to time in the hope that those of you out there in the moho blogosphere who have remained silent about the abuse which may have taken place in your life may know that you are not alone, that you do not have to hide that part of your life. That there are others out there who know what you have gone through and who understand. I think the most common fear that I have heard from the moho's who have written me about their abuse is that if people find out they were sexually abused as a child then they will come to the conclusion that the abuse caused them to be Gay. Many have expressed the deep rooted feelings that they know within their very core that the abuse had nothing to do with their being gay. For those dealing with both abuse and being gay, my heart goes out to you, but also listen intently to what I had to say earlier in this post, for I truly would not change a thing from my past. The day will come when you are grateful for the abuse, in a weird sort of way. I know that sounds crazy but there are things you have learned and traits you have developed because of it that are of infinite worth. Learn and grow from them, accept who and what you are and that your past has created the present you. Without your past you wouldn't be who you are today. And for that we can thank the damn bastards! And then hope the Lord deals them theirs in the next life. By so doing you are able to somewhat forgive, move on and spend the rest of your life helping others who so desperately need you.

Isn't it funny how much abuse victims and moho's have in common?

First Blind Date

Screw Bella Lets set him up with Edward. . .

So today I went with my Brother and his family to Sacrament meeting here in Kansas City. After Sacrament one of the sisters in the ward was talking to my Sister in Law and was talking about lining me up. My sister in law stopped her midstream and told her that I would not take to the idea of being set up for a date. . . then she added, "with a woman"! My Bro and his wife have been great! They have no problems with my being gay and they have no problem with others knowing about it. The sister looked at her with a look of surprise and said, "you mean, he's. . .? To which my sister in law replied. . ."that's what I'm saying"! There was a pause and then the sister proceeded to say that she knew the cutest guy that they just had to introduce me to?

They couldn't wait to tell me all about it when I went over to their house for dinner a few hours later. Apparently the sister at church has plans to catch me before I have a chance to bolt after Sacrament next time I go and talk to me about her "friend"!

WOW! They say the church is different in the mission field but I never dreamed I would be set up on a date with a "Guy" by one of the sisters from relief society?

This one should go down in the annuls of gay church history!

Another Nephew in Tears

Sometimes I just want to say "Damn It All To Hell" when it comes to how many people react to my coming out. The saddest part is that the worst offenders are my Mormon family and friends. Why is it that when it comes to this subject they seem to throw the most important teachings of the Saviour right out the window? What happened to Love the Lord thy God. . . and the second like unto it, Love thy neighbor. . . Why is it that the most important teachings of all get so overlooked by so many self proclaimed righteous individuals?

Another Nephew was told that his Uncle (Me) was gay this evening. He has spent the evening in tears and refuses to talk to me. I know I need to have patience, but what I don't understand are Church leaders who know that what they teach is causing people to react this way and yet they basically do nothing about it. Once again, "Where are the teachings of the Savior?

My heart breaks for another nephew because they have to suffer so as a result of what they have been taught.

Like I said, Damn IT!

I am finally in Kansas City and settling in with my new Job. Hopefully Ill have time to share a bit more regarding the abuse I endured as a child. I have had a number of people email me asking why I stopped. It got difficult to write so I needed a break, but think I'm ready to start again.

Abuse Part Three: Memory

Parts of this post have been copied and pasted from journal entries written a few years ago. Though life still has it's challenges I am at peace with much of what has happened in the past. I have discovered the Peaceful Warrior within and have finally come to understand that the only thing which I have control of is that which is found within. The adult Rich has finally become the Peaceful Warrior that the child inside has needed to comfort and aid him, to let him know that things will be OK. As every survivor of childhood abuse will witness, there is a child within that is constantly searching for someone to protect him, for someone to hold him close and comfort his cries. We often spend a lifetime searching for this individual from without, trying to find one in whom we can trust, one who will give solace to the child within. It took me a long time to realize that no one could be strong enough, caring enough, "there" enough to give my inner child what he needed. The only way to comfort the child within was to find the comforter within, to allow the adult Rich to become that person. With this in mind here are my thoughts for today:


Memory; a simple yet powerfully complicated word. This word has less understanding for me and has brought more anguish to my life than almost any other word in the English language. Memories have brought joy to my life, confusion, pain, anguish, they have brought tears of ecstasy, they have brought me to the edge of suicide. It would be nice if we had the choice of which to keep and which to discard. For too many years I thought I had control of this act, I thought I could keep the ones I wanted and hide the rest. . .

One of the points that I neglected to mention in either of my two previous posts is that the person who was the "leader" of this group that met at my grandparents was also one of my local church leaders. He was a man of prominent stature within Salt Lake Cities business community, the Church's business ventures, and Local Church Leadership. Many people have asked me over the years why if my stories were true did not this young child ever tell anyone what was taking place. I was constantly threatened not only by those whom should have loved me the most but also by a man who was my local church leader. Perps know how to manipulate, how to use fear and guilt to accomplish their goal of not getting caught.

I was in a room with "Him" one day. I was sitting or rather reclining on a couch or some other piece of furniture. He was good at what he did, he not only knew how to hurt kids but he knew how to make them forget and do what he wanted them to to. While alone in this room with him he was telling me that everything was my fault, that no one loved me, that God would kill me if I ever told anyone. He would tell me that my brother was next if I didn't do what he said. Remember this was a highly educated very respected man in the local community and he knew what he was doing. I remember sitting there one particular day, only this time with my eyes closed, he thought I was under the influence of the drug he had given me, and who knows maybe I was, but what I do remember was this obstinate kid thinking to himself that no one was going to control him and tell him what to do any more. This man thought he was in control but I was going to make a special place to run to every time he came and while in this place he could do whatever he wanted but he could never really get to me again because I had tricked him. You see he had the fake rich but the real rich had run away to his secret place where no one could touch him. At this early age I had learned a secret, a skill which many abuse victims learn to master, that being how to separate myself within myself. This man and the idiots in his group could do what they wanted but they were not going to win, they were not going to get the real me. No matter what they did the real me was always safe. This solution worked for many years, looking back I believe it is what kept me alive. but what works for the child often does not work for the adult. You see I had never processed any of these memories. It was like I somehow took them and created a special box to put them in where they were locked up tight until the box got so full that neither the hinges nor the box itself could not contain them any longer, yet still I kept cramming more and more in until one day it exploded open with "shit" flying in all directions.

The human mind is a funny thing, a song, a picture, a word, a building, a pair of glasses, and most of all for me certain smells all act as triggering mechanisms. . .

. .When I was seventeen I was working at our family restaurant one night when this kid about my age came in to order some food. From the moment he walked in the front door his smell had me. I was not even sure what the smell was but it seemed to grab me and take me to a place I did not understand. If I could have jumped over the counter and put my nose right on him and inhaled I would have just to try and remember what the smell was. I knew that I had smelled it before but for the life of me had no idea when or were. After walking in the door he came straight up to me and, looking me in the eyes, said, "do you know what this smell is?" at this point I was completely taken by surprise. How did he know that I was trying to figure out what he smelled like? How did he know what his smell had done to me? I did not know how to respond so I managed to croak out the word, "no!" the bright intellectual approach. He once again looked me straight in the eye and said, "Sex, what you smell is Sex, I have been having sex all night and all day and the smell is all over me. When you have sex over and over this is what it smells like!" His words were burned into my memory for I knew that I had smelled that smell before . . .

How could an experience be so intriguing yet so horrifying? Part of me wanted this kid to stay forever and let me smell him and another part of me wanted to run and vomit. . .

Years later you find yourself walking down the street and a song is playing as you walk past a building. One second you are as happy as can be and the next you are in an absolute near suicidal panic attack and you have no idea why? One day at church an old man comes up to you and says something, you have no idea what he said but you know that you want to run, get away as fast as you can. Once again you have no idea what brought on such a strong reaction? Through them all you have glimpses into the past but only enough to make you think that you are going crazy, for how could any sane person see the things that you see? How could any sane individual see the horrifying pictures in their mind that you see?

Your religion teaches you that your thoughts are as condemning as your actions and so you do everything within your power to push these thoughts away, you sing hymns, you pray, you read your scriptures anything you can think of that will bring God in and make them go away. You are taught that your mind is like a stage and that you are in control of the performance that is being acted out on the stage at all times. You are taught that it is your responsibility to make sure that only good wholesome plays are acted out on your stage of life. If this is true then why are so many horrifying plays finding their way to your stage? Where are these pictures coming from? You have done a great job at holding these memories at bay for a long time and now they want out. The problem is that you think that you are evil each time they surface so you push them even deeper were no one but you can see them, the only problem is that memories will not be held at bay forever, sooner or later they will find a way out and when you have tried to hold them back for so long they often come out like the flood waters of a broken dam. Everyone needs a safe place, someone in whom they can confide where there is no judgment, no looks of horror as they discover your secrets. The only problem is that abuse survivors find it difficult if not impossible to trust, therefore they (we) are constantly on the search for this person with whom we can share our secrets, yet we seldom find them because we are so unwilling to trust. We often tell part of a story to test how the individual will react and when we don't get the response that we want we freeze up and hide even deeper. I have learned that the secret to dealing with the crap is to finally come to understand that one is not broken, as mentioned in a previous post these Bastards did not have the power to break me. I merely needed to learn how to find and follow the peace. . .