Unwelcome and Unwanted

A fellow MOHO made the comment on FB today that he feels Unwelcome and Unwanted. Ever feel those sentiments? As I mentioned in my last post this has been an up and down journey much like riding a high speed roller coaster. I am sorry that he is made to feel that way when he is such a fine young man. Finding your place within the gay community can be a difficult thing. Granted there are many ready and willing to help when it is needed but it is still difficult finding a place were you fit in, a place which feels like home. I can only speak for myself, but I imagine it is similar for most of you out there, when I say that loneliness often haunts the recently out of the closet gay man. I can't speak for you seasoned outers for I have not been there yet.

I have noticed a pattern as of late when it comes to my making new friends within the gay community, a pattern which I do not necessarily like and am at odds as to how to change it. This past year has been spent going new places, trying new things, meeting new people, and striving to ignite new friendships with people whom I feel a kinship. I have sought out people who seem to have the same standards I hold dear, people who for one reason or another you just Like right from the beginning. I know making friends takes time, but dang it gets lonely out there. I have often been referred to as a social butterfly flittering here and there constantly on the go with this friend and that. As I have mentioned in previous posts my social life has been completely turned upside down since coming out, even those friends who seem to accept my being gay have changed, though they profess support, the invitations have all but ceased and when I stop by to see them there is a rift that was not present prior to my coming out.

One of these days I will discover what it is I am doing to put people off, I often wonder if perhaps I come on too strong, or maybe seem to needy, or possibly, I am just weird? (hopefully the later is not the case but I do need to consider all possibilities) It is hard losing your friends and family without new ones to take their place. I have met some fantastic new friends yet have not been able to find "my place" yet. This has been a fantastic year! And perhaps the upcoming year will bring with it more opportunities to grow and eventually find my niche in this crazy yet wonderful gay community.

Love in the Air

Last October I wrote a post titled "Safety Net". In this post I talked about not needing the safety net of weight and how after having "come out" I began accepting myself and loving the person I saw looking back in the mirror each morning. Before I knew it I was losing weight and taking care of myself for the first time in over 10 years. At the time I wrote the post I had lost about 80 some odd pounds. Here it is roughly 3 months later and that number has hit just over 120. This past year has been amazing? It has been filled with Joy, Sorrow, Happiness and Pain. It has brought love and understanding into my life and yet I have experienced more hate and ignorance than I ever knew existed. I have learned that those who you thought loved you the most have the power to hurt you the most. I have learned that there are pure righteous individuals residing within the Gay community who have a sincere desire to just plain be Good! i have discovered that truth is not necessarily what I always thought it to be. And through it all I have come to Love myself, truly love the person inside! The Gay, fun loving, risk taking, little socialite that lives within this carcass is a pretty decent guy! And that knowledge is worth all the pain and sorrow felt along the way of gaining it. One of the rewards I promised myself for reaching 120 was to go skydiving, so guess were this boy is going the second week in march? I found this jumping school in Mesquite, NV that is supposed to be one of the best in the country. I'm actually jumping out an airplane and am skinny enough to do it. Well I will admit, we're not skinny yet, but skinny enough to jump. Actual goal weight of 170 will be next July or August. How could I have known that coming out was the best way to lose weight ever? Anyway I just wanted to talk about what an incredible journey this has been and express my thanks and love for my new found MOHO and just plain HO friends. You have helped to make this difficult journey much better and easier to endure. I look back at a post I wrote describing a time in my life when I just wanted to die, and I am sooooo thankful that I never followed through with that desire. (Suicide)

I now know what it feels like to go on a date with someone who you think is "kinda cute". I know what it feels like to sit on a couch with 8 gay guys so scrunched that no one can move and to feel of the love present among good friends. It scares me that I might have never known the joy of holding a mans hand while on a romantic walk through the park. Or what it feels like to have your bo holding tight as you cruise down the highway on the motorcycle. I have felt the darkest of dark, I "KNOW" what it feels like to want to die! I also know what it feels like to work your way through those times and to live. I now know what it feels like to love and be loved. I now know what it feels like to actually like who you are. Being Gay is a good thing, and don't ever allow anyone to convince you otherwise. Just listen to your heart, it will tell the truth and once you know the truth follow the direction in which it guides you. These are just some of the lessons I have learned over the last year through my "Coming Out"!

Richard Defined!

I got the following definition of my name from an online dictionary and thought it was pretty funny:

I have taken the liberty of changing all references to females to that of males instead. ie she to he, girlfriend to boy friend etc.

Proper noun/n: A common but in a form of name in a sense of dominance; In most cases, the Letter "R" in its capital form shows a form of difference, but yet the name Richard is commonly used in human labeling. Richard is commonly reffered to as "Dick", which in fact is the nickname. Though some humor this fact, they tend to avoid the symbolism of the male dominance in the name, and the effect of impact in speech. The name, almost as other names, when introduced in a conversation, people who are in ear's reach of it would react to the specific name. In a way of hetero paradigm, Richard could be a "normal" living a "normal" life; A Richard could be reading this exact definition due to curiosity or suggestion or boredom; A Richard could have been born to the Earth to change it, to revolutionize, to excel and leave his mark upon the world. There is no proof nor evidence to the true definition of Richard, judging by the obvious fact that a person defines the term "Richard" in their own way..

Not only is Dick a nickname for Richard but Richard is another name for Dick, usually a homosexual who can't say his own name correctly but pronounces it "Wichard" because he has a speech impediment. (What's funny is that I spent part of my elementary years in speach therapy because I couldn't say my "R's" right! I pronounced my name "Wichard" for many years!)

Tall, almost towering, large features, arms, legs. Beautiful heart. Kind, usually reserved about sharing his feelings. Although he is able to communicate well, he feels much more deeply than he speaks. Only those that are close to him will ever really know him. Will see 'it' through even if he is unhappy, his commitment unwavering. Will make many mistakes believing he has made a 'wise' choice. Realizes logic does not bring happiness. Falls in love only once, usually shocking (completely different upbringings) to him. When he does find him, he is relentless in his pursuit. However, it is not calculating, unconsciously he maneuvers his actions to allow himself to be with him. A strong, powerful force, a positive energy, other men are always questioning, "what's so great about Richard?". Spiritual leader. Excellent lover, very good with his entire body, making men fantasize about him regularly. A very thick, yummy kisser. Richard is a kind, good, lovely, beautiful, sweet, aggressive, sensitive man with a consecrated heart. They are pretty fun and outgoing people, and like to sit around playing video games or the guitar until they get a boyfriend. They are always on time, and very loyal companions.

1. another word for sexy beast
2. someone who likes to laugh a lot
3. my babycakes

Instead of calling somebody a dick, call them a richard "Hey, look over there! Its a Richard" "Man, when Bob drinks, he really becomes a richard."

Whether I am Richard or not is irrelevant, but the definition of my full purpose is the road I must follow to become the "Richard" I want to define.

Friends Make Life Easier

It's a few days later, my brother and I have at least "talked", the pain and hurt has subsided, and I am hopefully now dealing with the whole twin and family scenario somewhat more rationally. I've received some sound advice from a few wonderful friends and after having mulled most of it over, have chosen a path which will hopefully lead to a good place. To those "maahvelous" (pronounce with a Bostonian accent) friends, you know who you are, THANKS for being there! It never ceases to amaze me how quickly people can become friends, with some strangers you meet, it's almost like you've known them before. This concept is best expressed in a song I heard a few years ago while working as a councilor at EFY. There were many new people coming and going in my life, some where fellow councilors but most were the many EFY campers entering the program each week. Every once in awhile one or two would come along who for one reason or another just sort of stole a place in my heart, it was as if I had known them forever and was not meeting a new friend but being reunited with an old one. Throughout the coming out process I have experience this phenomena more than once with a few of the new friends I have met. There are indeed some wonderfully fantastic brothers and sisters within this, Our Gay Community!

Here are two verses found in the song I refer to above which express this concept:

I believe the title of the song is, A Part of Me!

We were strangers when we met.
And yet it seems I've always known you.
Kindred Spirits brought together
In this time that we've shared.

I was scared before I came here
Afraid I'd just feel lost and lonely.
Only then I saw you smilin'.
And I knew I'd found a friend

Thank You my new Gay Friends for all the love and support you have given during a difficult time in my life. You have indeed made a tough rode much easier and when I was scared and lonely and saw you smilin' I knew I'd found friends.

SLY

Masturbation

A young friend of mine who I have been big brother and mentor to for a number years is having an extremely hard time dealing with the "Guilt" from his habit. I am writing this post in the hopes of getting some good feedback that perhaps I can share with him. So fellow Homos, MoHo's, MoHo's wife's and even you few str8 readers, I would appreciate any deep insights you may have, keeping in mind they are going to an innocent 21 year old!

OK, so it's a touchy subject but I must ask the question, "What is so wrong with it?" I mean think about it: If you take away the religious tradition It's sometimes self fulfilling, relaxing, pleasurable, even insightful, and never brings with it the possibility of contracting an STD. God created man so that he would never run out of swimmers, he must have known how many we would waste? How sad to realize the amount of shame and guilt that many have to endure for practicing something that is most common among men. How sad that because of what I was taught I thought it was the reason for my being attracted to men. And from a purely medical standpoint the more regularly a man ejaculates the lower the risk factor he has for having prostate cancer. LOL

Seriously folks can anyone explain why it is considered so wrong? I'm looking for input! Forgive my frankness but I am serious here. . .

Coming Out Is Worth Whatever It Costs

I need to add a bit in regards to yesterdays post? Though the family has not handled this like I had hoped, and yes I have experienced more pain as a result than I care to think about, I would not go back and undo my coming out for anything in the world. It is worth everything it has cost!!!!! YES it is Good to be Free! (the title of another MOHO Blog) My hopes are that the family, especially my nephew, will come to realize that their actions are not going to change me and that they will come to remember who I am, their brother, uncle, cousin, etc and accept me as I am. But for those of you who have not as of yet "Come Out" please do not let the previous post scare you from doing so because the feelings of self worth and self acceptance which come from so doing are indescribably wonderful. Follow the Spirit and tell people at the right time, and when it happens you may experience some pain but you will also experience a love that you never thought possible radiating from within. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I FEEL of my Father in Heavens love for this little queer gay son of his! And that is worth ANY price which one has to pay. I believe that by spending so much of my life denying what my Father in Heaven had created I was actually in a way offending my creator. I think that He is happy with the decisions I am currently making. At least I feel peace in my decision making process. And aren't we taught that peace is the main way the spirit speaks confirmation to our soul? When times are difficult it is human nature to dwell on that which is causing us pain so I fear that many of my blogs might scare some of you still in the closeters. Yes it is tough but then isn't anything worth doing? I may have temporarily lost some of my family but I have acquired an entire community who have indeed "Circled their Wagons" around this gay child of God and have helped me to endure this particular refiners fire.

Naivete of a young man

It's been almost a month and my nephew, who by the way is 22 and almost like a son, has not spoken a word to me. I have tried calling him but he won't answer his phone, he won't reply to FB messages or texts so I guess it 's time to back off and give the kid the time he needs. I sat my nephew down a few months back and told him that the day was soon approaching when his love for Uncle Rich would be tested. He laughed and told me that his love for me was complete, that it would withstand anything. I inwardly smiled at the naivete of a recently returned missionary, and told him I hoped that was true but time would tell. I think I have dealt at least OK with most of the crap from the family but this kids reactions are like stabbing a knife through my heart, it hurts! I guess in a way it's also my love for him that is being tested. I hope the day never comes in the which he finds out know much pain he has caused his uncle. If I have to face reality I will probably never fully understand the pain and confusion I have brought into his young life either. Too bad this is what Religion has brought into the picture. Things would be different should we truly understand who Christ is and What he taught.

Christmas morning I drove to my Twins home and dropped off the family's gifts. While I was there his wife sat on the floor near the Christmas tree, turned her back to me and sat the entire time I was there (a whoppin 5 minutes) with nay a word leaving her mouth. If you have ever driven down a country road on a hot day and have seen the hot air rising from the road you could imagine what I saw as I looked at her BACK. The Hate was rising from her like the heat vapors from the hot asphalt. My brother accuses me of creating a situation that has brought hardship and pain to his children. I have tried to explain to him that his children will react in accordance to how they see their parents act and that if they have their kids best interest at heart they will show their kids true examples of love and Christianity. I tried to help him see how his wife's hateful response is affecting the kids, but alas to no avail.

I'm not sure what to do next, but I feel the best action might be no action. I have put the ball in their court now I think I need to pull back and let them come to me if they so chose. If they chose not to, well then I guess it's a few more tears then Accept it and move on. . .

Letting Go, Moving On

A good friend and I were having a deep conversation the other day. He and I taught together at the MTC and he made the statement that "spiritually" we both needed to; "get back to where we were back then ". My comment to this was that I could not go back to that way of thinking, though it was a great time in my life with many cherished moments, there was just too much self loathing and ignorance present. Think about it, I was in a place that had the spirit of the Lord around every corner and yet by denying my core self I was so miserable that I found myself in the depths of suicidal contemplation on a regular basis.

Another friend, another conversation, another day. "Rich it's time to let your old life go, you are holding on to a past that has nearly destroyed you. The Lord has given you new direction and you are going kicking and screaming trying to hang on to what you know as safe. The problem Rich is that safety comes at a price. Without spreading your wings to fly you will never know what it feels like to soar". These are the words which came with great fervency of heart and a deep desire to see a friend live a life of happiness and fulfillment. I began to ask myself why it was that I was holding on tightly to that which had brought me so much pain and sorrow. Sometimes the pain of familiarity is preferable to the fear of the unknown.

May 2010 bring with it many great and enduring blessings to the life of Ol Rich. May I have the courage and tenacity to move forward with faith in a Loving God, and most important may I meet the man of my dreams and live Happily Ever After. . .

<--- If you happen to see this good-lookin Man of my Dreams walkin down the street take note and call me fast!