Fallen

Have you ever fallen for someone who you can't be with? IT SUCKS! It feels like your heart is ripping apart and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Your body aches to the core. Your stomach swirls and twirls and it hurts! For most of my life the gals I dated fell in love with me and then couldn't have me. My Mom always said that someday the tables would turn on me and that I was going to fall for someone I couldn't have, little did she know it would be with a man. I'd rather break my leg at least the codine would help ease the pain. Oh well it is what it is, Accept it and move on. . .

P.S. Other than this glitch Life is pretty darn good!

Love in the Air

Last October I wrote a post titled "Safety Net". In this post I talked about not needing the safety net of weight and how after having "come out" I began accepting myself and loving the person I saw looking back in the mirror each morning. Before I knew it I was losing weight and taking care of myself for the first time in over 10 years. At the time I wrote the post I had lost about 80 some odd pounds. Here it is roughly 3 months later and that number has hit just over 120. This past year has been amazing? It has been filled with Joy, Sorrow, Happiness and Pain. It has brought love and understanding into my life and yet I have experienced more hate and ignorance than I ever knew existed. I have learned that those who you thought loved you the most have the power to hurt you the most. I have learned that there are pure righteous individuals residing within the Gay community who have a sincere desire to just plain be Good! i have discovered that truth is not necessarily what I always thought it to be. And through it all I have come to Love myself, truly love the person inside! The Gay, fun loving, risk taking, little socialite that lives within this carcass is a pretty decent guy! And that knowledge is worth all the pain and sorrow felt along the way of gaining it. One of the rewards I promised myself for reaching 120 was to go skydiving, so guess were this boy is going the second week in march? I found this jumping school in Mesquite, NV that is supposed to be one of the best in the country. I'm actually jumping out an airplane and am skinny enough to do it. Well I will admit, we're not skinny yet, but skinny enough to jump. Actual goal weight of 170 will be next July or August. How could I have known that coming out was the best way to lose weight ever? Anyway I just wanted to talk about what an incredible journey this has been and express my thanks and love for my new found MOHO and just plain HO friends. You have helped to make this difficult journey much better and easier to endure. I look back at a post I wrote describing a time in my life when I just wanted to die, and I am sooooo thankful that I never followed through with that desire. (Suicide)

I now know what it feels like to go on a date with someone who you think is "kinda cute". I know what it feels like to sit on a couch with 8 gay guys so scrunched that no one can move and to feel of the love present among good friends. It scares me that I might have never known the joy of holding a mans hand while on a romantic walk through the park. Or what it feels like to have your bo holding tight as you cruise down the highway on the motorcycle. I have felt the darkest of dark, I "KNOW" what it feels like to want to die! I also know what it feels like to work your way through those times and to live. I now know what it feels like to love and be loved. I now know what it feels like to actually like who you are. Being Gay is a good thing, and don't ever allow anyone to convince you otherwise. Just listen to your heart, it will tell the truth and once you know the truth follow the direction in which it guides you. These are just some of the lessons I have learned over the last year through my "Coming Out"!

Lonely is the Man Without Love

Having recently fully emerged from the closet many have felt the need to remind me of the Church's position in regards to homosexuality. One particular friend, who also happens to be a Bishop, reminded me that the Church has no problem with homosexuality so far as one does not "act" upon their "attractions". Hello -- can't they understand how ludicrous that concept is. I wanted to know how he would feel if I asked him to refrain from any intimate contact with his wife for the rest of his life. He had no answer. I remember sitting as a green (new) missionary in a non-members home teaching them the plan of salvation. The topic of eternal marriage was brought up and my companion made the comment that he could not imagine a God who would allow his children to develop such an intimate love as you find within the marital bonds and then expect them to abandon that relationship upon their death. Why is it that "they" expect us to live a life without that intimacy, and preach that our relationships will end at death because of our orientation. Seriously what kind of a God would this be? There is so much more to the infinite concept of homosexuality than our finite minds can comprehend. While we await this comprehension too many remain lonely without love. I can not believe this is what God wants for his Gay Children, my heart tells my the opposite is true. . . Besides I'm feeling somewhat lonely this Christmas Season, I guess it's the Post coming out, Dad dying, prechristmas Funk?