I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the wrath and ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.
Sometimes I just want to say "Damn It All To Hell" when it comes to how many people react to my coming out. The saddest part is that the worst offenders are my Mormon family and friends. Why is it that when it comes to this subject they seem to throw the most important teachings of the Saviour right out the window? What happened to Love the Lord thy God. . . and the second like unto it, Love thy neighbor. . . Why is it that the most important teachings of all get so overlooked by so many self proclaimed righteous individuals?
Another Nephew was told that his Uncle (Me) was gay this evening. He has spent the evening in tears and refuses to talk to me. I know I need to have patience, but what I don't understand are Church leaders who know that what they teach is causing people to react this way and yet they basically do nothing about it. Once again, "Where are the teachings of the Savior?
My heart breaks for another nephew because they have to suffer so as a result of what they have been taught.
Like I said, Damn IT!
I am finally in Kansas City and settling in with my new Job. Hopefully Ill have time to share a bit more regarding the abuse I endured as a child. I have had a number of people email me asking why I stopped. It got difficult to write so I needed a break, but think I'm ready to start again.
Before buying my first diamond I went to the Library and spent a fair amount of time researching diamonds. I then met with a gemologist to get his input on how to find the right diamond, what to look for, and how NOT to be deceived. Good diamonds are expensive and I wanted to insure myself that I was buying the right diamond, that I was not wasting my money on a fake, a forgery, or on a low grade diamond of a value that did not match it's claim. Before embarking upon my research I had gone to a few diamond stores in search of "The Ring", what I discovered was a bunch of men who were out to sell a diamond, they did not care about me nor did they care about the time and effort I had put into earning the money I was about to spend, they merely cared about the "Money" they were going to make off my purchase. It seemed that they were pushing lower grade diamonds that cost them less money at a higher price in order to escalate their profit margin. I was tired of their outward appearance and claims of truth and honesty when their inner soul was full of nothing but greed even at the cost of deception. They were so full of hunger for money that they lied like a closeted gay moho trying to hide his true identity from his family, church and friends. Sorry for the analogy but often a closeted gay moho will do anything to keep these people from discovering the truth. How do I know this? Been there done that as have many of you. Anyway back to the diamond story. I wanted to find an honest salesman but knew that unless I had some connexions, there would be no way of knowing for sure if I could trust the man before me. Therefore I must go in armed with the knowledge and understanding necessary in order to make a wise investment. So I educated myself, found an establishment which was known for selling product at a fair price and went in for the purchase. In the end I came out with a great diamond of good value at a more than fair price.
I have discovered that shopping for Mr Right, IE dating, has quite a bit in common with the diamond shopping game. Recently I have exited a number of Jewelry Stores, metaphorically speaking of course, totally and completely bewildered with what the shop keepers are trying to peddle. I am at odds with the lack of moral standard within the gay community. (OK so it's not just the gay community but that is what I am currently dealing with) Don't get me wrong I am not trying to claim the better than thou, self righteous piety, in your face, your a bad person, everybody be a prude type of thing. I merely want to find someone who respects themselves enough to set limits and adhere to them. Well, at least try to adhere to them, we are all human and fall short of our self imposed standards at times. No problem with that, but when SEX becomes the only object of focus and one is willing to do anything IE lie, cheat, betray friends, etc, in order to fulfill their selfish lusts then that individual has lost the very part of his soul which differentiates us from the beasts. Believe me folks my lusts, my sex drive, my desire to have my desires fulfilled, are as strong as any. Yet this voice deep within tells me that lines have to be drawn, that there are certain things which should be shared only within and under the right circumstance with the right person. It is up to each individual to conclude what and where those lines need be drawn. Why should we as gay men be any different when it comes to standards? Granted the whole sex thing is different when one is gay in our culture. For the str8 man is told to hold to his purity and then one day he will marry and share this part of his life with his wife. He has something to look forward to during his sexually explosive moments when he just wants to get his rocks off. For if he/she refrains he/she may reserve something dear for his/her partner to be. As Gay Mormon Men we are told that we will not have the opportunity to share in this experience during this lifetime, that we must remain celibate and faithful to the end. Within the gay community marriage is not an option to be extended at this time. therefore many say what the hell why not do whatever, whenever, wherever? I do not believe that God desires to withhold this part of life from us, but I do believe that he expects us to hold to certain standards. Exactly what those standard are I am not yet sure but I do adhere to the idea that Promiscuity is not the answer.
Recently I have discovered that one who I looked upon as a true friend has merely been using me to get what he wants. This person has walked over, and through me in order to get to the people who would fulfill his needs. He has used me to try to get to my friends who he "Wants" bad. I have some great friends who I enjoy spending time with. They are full of life and accept me for who and what I am. (And they do not chastise me for doing things such as buying a motorcycle) They think it's awesome that I am going skydiving. They have not forgotten that life is fun and can be full of excitement. I have a great love and respect for these individuals. I am at awe that my friend would try to use me to get to these people when he has nothing in mind other than fulfilling his SEXual lusts, he doesn't care who he hurts along the way so long as he gets what he wants. He is totally pissed at me right now because I refuse to introduce him to my friends. What kind of a person would I be if I set a predator free amongst my friends.
I know I am rambling, the ramblings of a crazed gay MoHo, but these issues have become quite serious to me. I am witnessing the results of some of my friends who are living a dual life, which by so doing contributes to a life of unbridled passion. For much like a pressure cooker when the heat is on and the steam is building the pot will explode if not for the pressure release valve. So I have seen with many of my friends still trying to hide in the closet, the pressure builds until the pot is ready to explode and great will be the explosion thereof sending shards and shrapnel into all within it's path. I believe my friend has so much built up pressure inside that he can no longer contain it and he is in the process of exploding. I believe that in a way coming out is like opening the release valve and allowing the pot to breathe. This is only one of the many reasons I have become an advocate of coming out of the closet.
If I am searching for a diamond of value to share my life then should I not take effort to keep mine own polished and chip free in order to offer another a diamond of value rather than a worn out, chipped piece of garbage which holds no value. Once again I am not suggesting that sex has no place in the dating world, I get just as excited and turned on as the next guy. But seriously folks can't we show some restraint. I find myself wondering how many people feel as I do on the matter or am I merely a prude. I do not agree with the "Evergreen" philosophy but then neither do I agree with the "anything goes" way of thinking. There has got to be a happy middle ground. It is obvious from some of my recent posts that this matter has been on my mind as of late.
This ranting Gay Mormon has gone on long enough so I will end this post, for now anyway! Next post I will return to the diamond analogy.
I need to add a bit in regards to yesterdays post? Though the family has not handled this like I had hoped, and yes I have experienced more pain as a result than I care to think about, I would not go back and undo my coming out for anything in the world. It is worth everything it has cost!!!!! YES it is Good to be Free! (the title of another MOHO Blog) My hopes are that the family, especially my nephew, will come to realize that their actions are not going to change me and that they will come to remember who I am, their brother, uncle, cousin, etc and accept me as I am. But for those of you who have not as of yet "Come Out" please do not let the previous post scare you from doing so because the feelings of self worth and self acceptance which come from so doing are indescribably wonderful. Follow the Spirit and tell people at the right time, and when it happens you may experience some pain but you will also experience a love that you never thought possible radiating from within. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I FEEL of my Father in Heavens love for this little queer gay son of his! And that is worth ANY price which one has to pay. I believe that by spending so much of my life denying what my Father in Heaven had created I was actually in a way offending my creator. I think that He is happy with the decisions I am currently making. At least I feel peace in my decision making process. And aren't we taught that peace is the main way the spirit speaks confirmation to our soul? When times are difficult it is human nature to dwell on that which is causing us pain so I fear that many of my blogs might scare some of you still in the closeters. Yes it is tough but then isn't anything worth doing? I may have temporarily lost some of my family but I have acquired an entire community who have indeed "Circled their Wagons" around this gay child of God and have helped me to endure this particular refiners fire.
At first I thought I could tell them, then I discovered just how strong their anti-gay sediments were. It was during the proposition 8 debate something that was especially strong amongst the latter day saints. I was riding down the freeway as a passenger in my brothers suburban. I don't remember where we were going or what we were doing except that my bro, my father and myself were in the vehicle. Others were present too though I honestly don't remember who. They started talking about Prop 8 and the church's stance. They started talking about how gays were responsible for the downfall of society, how they were the worst possible element of society. They started quoting prophets, scripture and whatever other sources they could think of. Finally spoke up and asked what had happened to Charity, everything they were saying was motivated by hate, anger, and ignorance. I aske them were the pure love of Christ came into play?". Eyes rolled, lisps of air escaped twisted lips, and heads were shaking as they talked about how gays deserved what they got. I asked my brother what he would do if one day his own son announced that he was gay? Would he disown him and treat him with this sort of "Love"? He responded that he loved his children unconditionally but would never have to worry about this because his son had been taught righteous principals and would not choose such a path. My comment was never say never. I then asked him what he would do "if" his son announced that he was gay and wanted to bring his partner home to meet the family. He stated that his son would always be welcome in his home, but that a partner would never be welcome. I asked him why and he replied that he would never subject the other children to such evil influence. Once again I wanted to know when God threw Charity out the window, didn't God love all his children? I have many gay friends and I have to ask myself how any of these wonderful Christ-like men could ever be considered an "evil influence"? Ignorance and bigotry do indeed go hand in hand.
The months that followed were filled with conversations such as this with different family members. I knew that some of my family suspected that I was gay but I was not ready to neither confirm nor deny their suspicions. I was open about the gay friends I was hanging out with but that is as far as I was willing to go in talking to people with such attitudes. One day I drove to my parents house and as I was getting out of the car noticed my mother outside working in her garden. She asked me a question which elicited a comment about my brother and how he did not trust me with his children. She made some snide comment to me regarding my worthiness or possibly the lack thereof and I could contain myself no longer. I told her that I had always been a good example for the kids, that I had always made it a point to be such. She looked me right in the eye with this look of anger and hatred and said, "Oh you have have you, how do we know what you've done?". It reminded me so much of the self righteousness of Bobby's mother in Prayers for Bobby. I responded that I was every bit as worthy of a temple recommend as she was, possibly even more so with her judgemental attitude. I have spent my entire life trying to love and serve others. I don't ever remember a time when I purposefully hurt anyone. I can honestly say that nothing anyone has ever said or done hurt as bad as those words coming from my mother. I guess I could have dealt with it had I deserved them but I have done nothing to warrant them. They came from absolute ignorance. Have we as members of the Church become so hardened through the teachings of "The Church" that we have completely forgotten the teachings of the Saviour? How great shall be that day when Christ shall reign personally upon the earth and the Lion shall lie with the Lamb.
Many of my friends know that I am gay and have been fully accepting. Isn't it a shame that I am able to be open and honest with friends but not with family! One of my best friends has a younger brother who is gay and he is wonderful when it comes to accepting and loving his brother. I have a great respect for him and the way he has raised his children. Like myself, my friends brother has a special relationship with his nieces and nephews. When my friend was first married it was necessary for both he and his wife to hold down full time employment in order for my friend to finish his schooling. During this time they had their "still in the closet" gay uncle babysit their young daughter. Because of this the two of them have always had a very special relationship. When his brother first came out to them my friend requested that it be kept from the children for a time. When their oldest daughter turned thirteen my friend decided it was time to sit her down and tell her about her uncle. After he finished telling her she broke down into sobs, and he thinking that she was having a difficult time accepting this new information regarding her uncle asked her what she was thinking. He was prepared to help her understand that tho they disagreed with his lifestyle he was still family and as such was loved. What his daughter said took him by complete surprise. Through her tears she expressed her feelings of sorrow. She stated that she had said some bad things in the past with her friends regarding gay people and that now that she knew one she realized how wrong and hurtful she had been. She knew how good her uncle was and therefore must have been wrong in her thoughts regarding gay people. She felt so much sorrow for having said such awful things. Talk about "from out of the mouths of babes. . ."
