Unwelcome and Unwanted

A fellow MOHO made the comment on FB today that he feels Unwelcome and Unwanted. Ever feel those sentiments? As I mentioned in my last post this has been an up and down journey much like riding a high speed roller coaster. I am sorry that he is made to feel that way when he is such a fine young man. Finding your place within the gay community can be a difficult thing. Granted there are many ready and willing to help when it is needed but it is still difficult finding a place were you fit in, a place which feels like home. I can only speak for myself, but I imagine it is similar for most of you out there, when I say that loneliness often haunts the recently out of the closet gay man. I can't speak for you seasoned outers for I have not been there yet.

I have noticed a pattern as of late when it comes to my making new friends within the gay community, a pattern which I do not necessarily like and am at odds as to how to change it. This past year has been spent going new places, trying new things, meeting new people, and striving to ignite new friendships with people whom I feel a kinship. I have sought out people who seem to have the same standards I hold dear, people who for one reason or another you just Like right from the beginning. I know making friends takes time, but dang it gets lonely out there. I have often been referred to as a social butterfly flittering here and there constantly on the go with this friend and that. As I have mentioned in previous posts my social life has been completely turned upside down since coming out, even those friends who seem to accept my being gay have changed, though they profess support, the invitations have all but ceased and when I stop by to see them there is a rift that was not present prior to my coming out.

One of these days I will discover what it is I am doing to put people off, I often wonder if perhaps I come on too strong, or maybe seem to needy, or possibly, I am just weird? (hopefully the later is not the case but I do need to consider all possibilities) It is hard losing your friends and family without new ones to take their place. I have met some fantastic new friends yet have not been able to find "my place" yet. This has been a fantastic year! And perhaps the upcoming year will bring with it more opportunities to grow and eventually find my niche in this crazy yet wonderful gay community.

Friends Make Life Easier

It's a few days later, my brother and I have at least "talked", the pain and hurt has subsided, and I am hopefully now dealing with the whole twin and family scenario somewhat more rationally. I've received some sound advice from a few wonderful friends and after having mulled most of it over, have chosen a path which will hopefully lead to a good place. To those "maahvelous" (pronounce with a Bostonian accent) friends, you know who you are, THANKS for being there! It never ceases to amaze me how quickly people can become friends, with some strangers you meet, it's almost like you've known them before. This concept is best expressed in a song I heard a few years ago while working as a councilor at EFY. There were many new people coming and going in my life, some where fellow councilors but most were the many EFY campers entering the program each week. Every once in awhile one or two would come along who for one reason or another just sort of stole a place in my heart, it was as if I had known them forever and was not meeting a new friend but being reunited with an old one. Throughout the coming out process I have experience this phenomena more than once with a few of the new friends I have met. There are indeed some wonderfully fantastic brothers and sisters within this, Our Gay Community!

Here are two verses found in the song I refer to above which express this concept:

I believe the title of the song is, A Part of Me!

We were strangers when we met.
And yet it seems I've always known you.
Kindred Spirits brought together
In this time that we've shared.

I was scared before I came here
Afraid I'd just feel lost and lonely.
Only then I saw you smilin'.
And I knew I'd found a friend

Thank You my new Gay Friends for all the love and support you have given during a difficult time in my life. You have indeed made a tough rode much easier and when I was scared and lonely and saw you smilin' I knew I'd found friends.

SLY

The Uncertainty of Change

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of this "Journey" is the uncertainty where relationships are concerned. Let me explain; Until recently I have had a healthy social life, being single, gay and in the closet, serious dating had not been a viable option to fill the social needs in my life. Therefore I have filled my life with friends and family. I have considered myself one of the lucky ones because I had more people whom I called friends than most anyone I knew, and I truly considered them friends. Until recently I have seldom questioned how others have felt about me, I have known that people liked and trusted me. Unfortunately the coming out process has caused me to question these relationships more than I thought I would have to. I have come to realize that tho people care, in most cases there are stipulations and or requirements involved. In my heart of hearts I am having a difficult time understanding how anyone could turn on another simple because of their sexual preference. I have believed that brotherhood/ friendship bonds transcend all and could withstand the tests of time. In the long run this may still prove to be true, but for now it doesn't seem to be.

Most of my friends and much of my family have been OK with my being gay. Only a few have completely cut me off, yet the relationships are just not the same. I knew things would change but I guess I was hoping they wouldn't. Communication with loved ones now comes at my initiation and even then I can tell how uncomfortable many are. Even with those whom love you the most, things change. I know this is a normal part of the process and that I have to have patience and give people time, but knowing this does not make it easier. Not that long ago there was seldom an empty evening on my schedule, now they seem to have taken over. Tho I know people care and love me, the invitations have all but ceased. It's like I'm losing my Straight Life and haven't as of yet "found" my gay one. I miss my old friends and am currently unsure as to who my new ones are. I would like be part of a group again, to develop new friendships and kinship's and fear as a result I am at times over zealous in the process. I hope that my new friends and brothers are able to have patience with me as I realign my life.

A few years ago my twin brother gave me a small magnet which read, "We are brothers by birth, but friends by choice". Throughout the years my brother had indeed become my friend, my best friend and many friends had become my brothers. The changes spoken of above have come with me kicking and screaming the whole way striving hard to hang on to what I had. Three years ago my twin brother started shutting me out of his life, I think he and his wife began suspecting but didn't know what was going on or how to handle it. Their solution was to begin closing down and pushing me out the door. Their reactions have caused me to doubt relationships the most. If your twin, literally your other half can turn on you then anyone can. This is not the attitude I desire and am striving to begin trusting once again. This may not be a healthy view but in being honest with myself it is how I feel. A good friend once told me to be ware when coming out of the closet because life would change. He said that when he came out of the closet, being born again took on a whole new meaning. He came out many years ago and talks of what he and others went through in regards to this process. He believes that people often lose everything and have to start over in the rebuilding of their lives in order to truly accept who and what they are. He believes that when this happens the person often comes through it a much better person than before the process began. Who knows? What I do know is that for the time being I feel like a lone tree lost in the center of a thick forest. I am caught between two worlds, no longer in the one but not yet in the other.