Someone to Love . . .

OMGosh I just watched the best movie! It's about a boy who lived through hell yet never gave up hope. About two adults who found love, got lost, and finally saved a boy.

If you want a tug at your heart moment find "AUGUST RUSH" settle down with someone you love, snuggle up under a blanket with a bag of popcorn your favorite drink and prepare to have your heart touched!

As I watched this movie it caused me to reflect upon how I want someone to love and someone to love me back. Someone to snuggle with as we watch a movie. Someone to cry with. Someone to laugh with. Someone to hope with. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to go on long bike rides and or walks through the park with. Someone to cook for. Someone to comfort when they're down. Someone to comfort me when I'm down.

SOMEONE . . .

.

Why I felt the need to tell the Family. . .

I met with a new group of friends last night and one of them asked me if I was "Out"? If so how long and what the experience was like. After sharing briefly my experience of coming out to the family last December he asked me Why? Why did I even have to come out to my family? He had a problem with those of us who felt the need to tell others about our sexual orientation. I told him that I finally got to the point where I was so sick of living a lie and having to constantly worry about hiding everything that it was time to bring it out in the open. With me the timing was not good, but to be honest it would have been about the same no matter when I did it. People were beginning to find out about me and I knew it was only a matter of time before they began talking to members of my family. (people love to rush in with some big disclosure to the families of someone they "care" about) I had attended a widely publicized multi-faith gay religious gathering and had been filmed by three news camera's which had my picture on at least one of their nightly news programs. I knew that someone was going to see me and start talking so I decided that I wanted my family to hear this particular bit of news from my lips first. As I have noted in previous posts I am not the "Sassy Gay, In your Face, Accept me World, Wo is Me" gay man, however I am no longer the Milk Weed, Walk all Over Me, Hide behind the Mask, Self Loathing person I was for way too many years. My Coming Out has indeed upset the false coherency, outward appearance of security and the seeming unity within in my family. Yet at the same time it has brought more inner peace to my soul than anything I have done. It has opened a new door for those that follow in my footsteps. I know of at least one member of my extended family who is dealing with these issues and the day will come when the time is right for him to come out to his family. When this happens I hope that his parents will handle it with better love and understanding because of what they have experienced through my coming out process. In other words I sincerely hope that what I have gone through has helped to pave the way for the next generation of Gay Human Beings. It will be interesting to see where my family goes from here in their journey to acceptance of their Gay son, brother, uncle, etc. . .

As a side note my this man I met still can't understand why so many of "Us" feel the need to tell our families? If only he could feel of the Freedom which accompanies the honesty! I on the other hand am having a hard time understanding why we have to feel that we can't be honest about who we are? To me this is the question we ought to ponder, not why we want to be honest with our loved ones.

Married, Gay, Temple Attending Mormon

I have been hearing stories of a Man who is in a full gay relationship who was just recently given his temple recommend and who is a "Full Practicing Gay Temple Attending Mormon". I have not given too much credence to the story knowing how much we as humans and especially as Mormons like to pass on hearsay. However I met this man and his partner last night and was enthralled by his story. I share this story only because I got it str8 from the horse’s mouth so to speak. I will not share details like names and locations out of respect for those involved. For the purpose of this post I will refer to them as Joe and John.

Joe is a member of the LDS church and John is not. Joe spent many years away from the church after having served an active LDS mission. During his time away from the church he attended Seminary and received his Pastors certificate in another faith. This is a lifetime appointment and is not taken if one chooses to leave the faith. During this time he met his partner to be, John. The two of them moved to the state where they currently reside. Sometime during this time period they were legally married in a state where Same Sex Marriages are performed. They live together as Full Partners with every "advantage" that attends marriage. In other words they have a very full active sex life. Sometime along the way Joe decided that he would like to begin attending the LDS church again. To make a long story short he was soon back into full activity and fellowship within the church. His Bishop, His Stake President, and the High council have been fully aware of his Partnership from day one. His partner is not LDS and does not attend church with him but does attend most any and all church activities and once in awhile a church service with Joe. The two of them have home teachers who visit regularly. Most important to note is that his local church leadership are fully aware that he is living with his partner, that they were legally married in another state and that they are enjoying the "benefits" of marriage (sex). Joe then proceeded to tell me of the recent renewal of his Temple Recommend and the regular use thereof. Once again I am not sharing my own story but that of another. He has shared this with me first hand and unless he is lying the story is valid to the best of my knowledge. I would like to find a way to tell for sure if his story is accurate? Does anyone out there know of any similar experiences?

Five days later: I haven't been able to verify this story as of yet but I am definitely working on it. It doesn't make logical sense but then who knows? I'll definitely keep you updated.

Fallen

Have you ever fallen for someone who you can't be with? IT SUCKS! It feels like your heart is ripping apart and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Your body aches to the core. Your stomach swirls and twirls and it hurts! For most of my life the gals I dated fell in love with me and then couldn't have me. My Mom always said that someday the tables would turn on me and that I was going to fall for someone I couldn't have, little did she know it would be with a man. I'd rather break my leg at least the codine would help ease the pain. Oh well it is what it is, Accept it and move on. . .

P.S. Other than this glitch Life is pretty darn good!

I may not be Beautiful. . .

I might not be the most beautiful person or have the perfect body. I might not be the 1st choice but I am a GREAT choice. I don't pretend to be someone else because I am too good at being ME. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done but I am proud of who I am today. Take me as I am, or watch me as I go!"

Moho Morph Chapter Two

For most of my life I hid the real Rich. Most saw me but my true identitly remained hidden. No one ever saw my real face all they saw was the mask I wore. I was a faceless, closeted Mormon Homosexual in despair, until. . .

I was talking with one of my best friends the other day and we were talking about the progress I have made since having accepted that I was Gay. She made the comment that she couldn't believe how happy I seemed and what a difference it was from even a year ago. She said that she was at one time scared to death that she was going to get a phone call informing her that I had killed myself. She told me that these were rough times for her because she knew there was nothing beyond just being there for me that she could do. She reminded me of the very instance, the very phone call were she knew that the tide had turned and that I was going to be alright.

In one of my prior posts I tell of the experience I had with a councilor who was able to help me change my life. I was one of the gay Mormons who fell under the reparative therapy theory era. I was convinced that my soul was damned because I liked guys and often I had "bad" thoughts enter into my mind which would not stop coming no matter how hard I tried. No matter how hard I tried I could not force myself to change, I could not make myself be attracted to the ladies and neither was God making it happen no matter how often nor how sincere I begged. Over a period of time this ate at my soul. I remember sitting in General Priesthood meeting on numerous occasions and listening to brethren say things that I took as damning my soul. If only I was good enough, if only I tried harder, if only I served more, if only. . . But nothing worked, I still had the most horrible thoughts continually enter my head when it came to certain men around me that I found attractive. I fought it more than I could express here with mere words, but to no avail. My life had become so consumed with the fight that life itself lost all meaning. When one believes his soul is damned there is no reason to go on. Over a period of time this took it's toll and drained my being of most of the drive within. This is the period my friend was talking about when she made the comment regarding how worried she was about me. Little did she know at the time that her phone calls literally kept me alive. I remember the night she referred to when I actually had my 45 out on the bed next to me while I was talking with her on the phone. I had called to say my goodbyes. I don't remember what she said or did, but obviously whatever it was worked for I am here today writing this post. Another time I stood perched on the outside edge of a freeway overpass readying to jump. Every time a semi-truck drove by I noticed a car or minivan near and feared that the truck would swerve and hit the vehicle killing it's passengers. I stood on that overpass from about 11:30 till nearly 3:30ish in the morning. These instances have much more detail to them but suffice it to say I had lost all hope.

The moment my friend was referring to when she knew the tides had turned occurred one night when I called her on the phone as I was leaving a new councilor's house. By this time I wasn't attending church much because it hurt too much. My bishop called me in one day and asked if I would talk to his neighbor, a new member of the word who happened to be a dean in the psyche department at a local university. He thought that this man might be able to recommend a councilor who might be able to help me. The night I met him I was scarred to death that he might see how desperate I really was, that he might discover my hidden secret. If that happened I didn't know what I would do. During the course of our visit I learned that he had a private practice which specialized in working with gay returned missionaries. Holy Cow now I was really petrified, I knew that he knew. Oddly enough as time went on I later found out that I had hidden it so well that even he did not pick up on it during our chat. He recommended a councilor to me and told me that this was one of the best he had ever worked with. I went to see this person and clicked with him from the moment we met. He told me during our first visit that he strongly believed that if he could not help an individual to learn how to help themselves within a three month period that either he wasn't doing his job or that his pt wasn't willing to change. Once again I won't go into details here but something happened inside of me that night, a light was reignited deep within. As I was sitting there in his home talking with him I knew that there was hope. As I was leaving he looked at me and thanked me for coming but asked that I perhaps call it a good visit but not return. I was shocked. He then preceded to tell me that if I wasn't able to be honest with him, to stop bullshitting him as he put it, then I was merely wasting his time and mine. I assured him that I was being honest with him, to which he replied "Bull". I left in tears completely committed to never darken his door again. However I knew he as right, I knew what he was talking about too yet I was not about to tell anyone. My heart told me that this was my chance to come clean, this was my chance to finally deal with this thing which had destroyed my life. Within three minutes of leaving I called him on the phone and told him that he was right and that I would tell him everything the next week if he would see me again. The next week I said the words "I am Gay" out loud for the first time in my life and I have not looked back since. That night my soul was freed! As I left his home I called my friend and talked with her about having met a new councilor that I really thought could help me. Keep in mind though I had told Rich that I was gay this friend did not know, or at least I thought she didn't know. It would be another month before I was ready to start telling others and she was the first to know.

As we were talking on the phone last night she told me that it was that night as I left Rich's house that she knew that I was going to be OK. Rich has somewhat of a different philosophy when it come to counseling people, he believes that we all have the answers within we just need some help learning how to access them. My Moho blogosphere friends I cannot even begin to describe what I felt that night as the light was reignited. There have been some rough times since then, the roughest when I first told my family and all Hell broke loose. However it is important to note that even then the absolute darkness of despair never entered my soul again. I told Rich one year ago this coming September and my family the following December.

In trying to deny my core it drove me to despair and near suicide. In accepting the Gay soul within it brought complete peace and joy into my life. If one is to research the fruits of the Spirit, it becomes obvious which came from God and which from Satan himself. I have come to believe that God does not want me to deny who I am, His love for me goes deep and his heart aches when he sees the despair from having tried so hard to change something that is for me unchangeable. I do not understand homosexuality, I do not claim to have the answers but my heart tells me I am finally on the right path which will eventually lead to eternal happiness.

For now I will continue to attend Church, to interact with the members of my ward, and to do so as an openly Gay man. I will no longer be ashamed of who I am. I will no longer hide in the closet. I have a hope that by so doing I may be able to open the eyes of some and make the path easier for those who follow in my footsteps. As you can see from my last post this is already beginning to happen.

NOTE: When I finally told my friend Brenda that I was Gay her reply was, "Well it's about time, I was wondering if I was going to have to tell you".

I think that I will share photos of the Rich who was lost and in despair and then some of the Present Rich who in the Morphing process in my next post?

The Homo Metamorphasis

This whole coming out process is definitely a metamorphosis. I have gone through numerous different stages from self loathing and hatred to self acceptance. From Suicide to a deep rooted love of life. I have gone from Loving the Church and thinking it fault free to having much anger for being duped then back to the middle where I realize that the church is not perfect. The prophet and the men running the church are merely men who make mistakes, but that doesn't make the Church wrong. It just means the Lord has no choice but to use imperfect faulty men to run his earthy organizations. I can honestly say that my anger stage is pretty well over, but it is important to remember that I have no intention of ever going back to my previous states of belief. I still haven't decided exactly where I am at with the Church but I can at least attend without the intense anger.

Not only is this a changing growing experience for myself but for everyone around me who has to deal with the fact that I am gay. My Family, my church, my friends, I have seen them all morph, some for the better some for the worse. Last Friday I went to a game night with my bro and his wife. The first Friday of every month they meet with about twenty to thirty of their friends from the ward to play games and EAT! While there the women kept coming up to me and hugging me or putting their arm around me and welcoming me, keep in mind my bro had told most in the ward that I was Gay before I even started attending. The women were going out of their way to make this Gay brother of their good friend feel welcome and the men, bless their hearts were having an extremely difficult time even saying hi to me. Not that they were showing hatred and anger, just confusion and uncertain as to how to act around a gay guy. I think many of them will come around, some wont but many will. The hostess approached me and began to inform me that I was invited to become a permanent guest at their little gatherings. she told me that most people came with their spouse, but some came with their date or "partner". (I loved how she threw in Partner) I laughed and said, "I can only imagine how everyone would act if I ever showed up with a "partner". She got real serious and looked at me and said, "You are welcome here anytime with "anyone" boyfriend, girlfriend your welcome". WOW! This was a first for me, so different from my experience with church members in Utah. My third time attending this ward one of the Sisters found out about me and attempts to line me up with her gay friend. Three sisters standing outside the Relief Society room attempting to find me a boy. There are those who despise me here too but I am also seeing a much better side of Mormondom. Two of my brothers friends from the Ward arranged to take him skeet shooting this mornin and he invited me to tag along. I was somewhat, OK not somewhat, a whole lot uncomfortable with the whole situation. Keep in mind the men in the ward don't know how to act around me. It didn't take long before we were all just friends, not str8 men with a gay man but equal human beings out having fun. As we were all readying to depart one of the men came up to me, took my hand into his to shake with his other hand on top of the back of my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, "I am really glad you were able to come and that I was able to get to know you". It felt like he was trying to say "I am sorry I misjudged you and after getting to know you realize that you are just a normal decent guy". It felt extremely sincere.

For any of you who have read my blog you well know that many in my family have been absolute poops through my coming out, and that is putting it mildly. For mothers day I sent my mom Carol Lyn Pearson's book No More Goodbyes. Last week I found out that she had not started the book and had no real intentions of doing so. My older brother and his family were on their way to Nauvoo this week to do a pageant of some sorts so I called his wife and asked her if she would go pick up two books from my mom and bring them to me. She asked what books and I told her that mom would know if she just said I want the books back. She asked her husband my brother to pick them up on his way home from work. Mom gave them to him and he walked to his car before looking to see what they were. Important to note this bro is not "Good" with my gayness. I feared he would throw the books away if he knew what they were. Instead he walked back into the house handed them to Mom and said, "Mom I cant take them, I can't get rid of the feeling that you need to read them and you need to start now". WOW! Blew my mind when I heard this. He left and I hadn't heard from mom until this afternoon about what happened. This afternoon she called and informed me that she had been reading "the book". She then began apologizing for how horrible she, the family and the world had treated me. She said that what she read really opened her eyes to what gay men go through, especially gay men within the Mormon church. She said she felt sick that "my People" had suffered so much because of people like her. She told me that she was going to have a talk with each of my siblings and let them know how she now feels about the whole thing. She said that she was going to try to get my twin to read Carol Lynn's book. To be honest I doubt he will but then again I thought my Mom really wouldn't either. Even if she goes back to the way she was it was worth it just to hear her say the things she said today and to actually apologize for what she has done. As any who has gone through this with families who turn on them know it makes life hell. It is almost indescribable what it feels like to have people who you thought loved you turn on you merely because you are gay. To have your twin brother, your literal other half who you have been inseparable with, say some of the most vile horrible things to you. To know that they think you are the lowest of low the worst of the worst. The pain goes so deep that it can literally cause one to temporarily loose the will to live. But I sit back today and thank God that with the help of some good friends I was able to make it through those darkest of days, for if I had ended things when they were at their worst I never would have known the love and joy that I now experience. I never would have met some of the best people I have ever known. I never would have known true love. It is still a day to day roller coaster ride but the lows are not so low and the highs are. . . well, they're great! And the best part is that I am able to help others as a result of having gone through it myself. It will be interesting to see where life's changes take me next. My heart feels deep love and compassion for those who chose death over life. They just didn't understand that things could get better. I hope that as you read this you can see that even some of the worst scenarios have the possibility of turning out OK if you will but see things to the end. For now I don't have any expectations where the family is concerned what I will do is enjoy the good moments when they occur. And endure the not so good ones as they arise. And as a side effect of having finally accepted who I am I have experienced the fantastic Morph of the Body as well as the soul. After accepting myself I was finally able to let go of the wieght. I started losing weight one year ago this month. During this period I have lost just over 160 Lbs and am actually allowing myself to "Crush".

How to Ask Out that Special Boy

Dating for the Gay Dummy

I've noticed that people develop crushes and then are afraid to let the crushee know they liked. So here's the challenge, Do something nice for that person and see how they react. If they respond kindly or return inkind then you may just have a chance, take the next risk and ask them out. Go ahead take the risk what have you got to loose? The worst that can happen is that you may hear the word NO.

Why is it that mankind is afraid to let their feelings be known? Why are we afraid to let someone know we think they are a pretty decent guy and would like to get to know them better? I fall into this trap myself. If by some chance you happen to be on the receiving end of this challenge treat the person with respect. If you like them jump at the chance to get to know them better, if you don't like em so much then be nice but simply decline the offer respectfully. A simple line like, "thanks but I'm not really interested in going out". Short, honest and to the point. Hey what a novel idea, "Get Rid of the Mind Game" part of the dating game! Come on boys lets do it right, get out there and let that special someone know you think they're Hot!