Lonely is the Man Without Love

Having recently fully emerged from the closet many have felt the need to remind me of the Church's position in regards to homosexuality. One particular friend, who also happens to be a Bishop, reminded me that the Church has no problem with homosexuality so far as one does not "act" upon their "attractions". Hello -- can't they understand how ludicrous that concept is. I wanted to know how he would feel if I asked him to refrain from any intimate contact with his wife for the rest of his life. He had no answer. I remember sitting as a green (new) missionary in a non-members home teaching them the plan of salvation. The topic of eternal marriage was brought up and my companion made the comment that he could not imagine a God who would allow his children to develop such an intimate love as you find within the marital bonds and then expect them to abandon that relationship upon their death. Why is it that "they" expect us to live a life without that intimacy, and preach that our relationships will end at death because of our orientation. Seriously what kind of a God would this be? There is so much more to the infinite concept of homosexuality than our finite minds can comprehend. While we await this comprehension too many remain lonely without love. I can not believe this is what God wants for his Gay Children, my heart tells my the opposite is true. . . Besides I'm feeling somewhat lonely this Christmas Season, I guess it's the Post coming out, Dad dying, prechristmas Funk?

No More Lying

My family would have me believe that I have let the world down and have caused too much pain and disappointment in their life's.

I'm sorry they feel that way! I'm even sorrier I allowed them to make me feel that way.

Thanks for some sound words of advice Alan, ideas which helped me to understand that this is not the case. I do not mean to sound trite but dealing with the death of my father was in many ways easier than dealing with the family once they found out I was gay. My older brother approached me yesterday telling me how disappointed he was because I had not come to him sooner. He let me know that he had done more for me than anyone else and that he "deserved" better than this. He then told me how disappointed he was because I had lied to him. At first I denied the fact that I had lied to him but the more I thought about it I realized "damn straight" of course I've lied, I mean how could I not have lied in trying to keep this hidden in the closet. If I have to be honest with myself I have lied much more than I would like to admit to way too many people trying to keep them from discovering my secret. The more I have thought about our conversation the more I wish I would have talked about how many times I have listened to my Father and my brothers bash gays, how many times I have listened to my father and my twin talk about how Gays, Queers, Fags, etc are responsible for the degeneration we see within society. About the time I sat in my brothers suburban for over an hour on our way to help a sibling listening to "them" "discuss" prop 8 and the total and complete support they had for the church and their actions in trying to put down gays. How if we allow Gays to continue in their plight for equality they will somehow destroy the family and all that it stands for. They somehow had a way of making the Gay population responsible for most all that is wrong in our world. I wish I would have asked him if this was the group of people I was supposed to have been honest with and told them from the beginning that I was gay. Should I have spoken up at the time and told them that it was I they spoke of, well OK I probably should have but who would? They are oft times angry with us for lying to them yet they continue to foster an environment which makes it nearly impossible for one to feel that they can be honest. Once you have listened to what they have to say and know how they feel about who you are, once you have read the words of a Prophet of God referring to homosexuality as repugnant, ugly, perverse and "The Sin" of the ages, you are supposed to admit that all this is You? Get Serious! If they feel hurt that we have lied to them, can they imagine the pain and guilt we feel for having lied to ourselves? No more lying to neither they nor myself.

It's all a part of the Journey

"I" & "Me"; two short but intense words which have become the center of focus much too frequently. An English Professor of mine once gave the following challenge; "I challenge each of you to go for an entire week without beginning a sentence with the words "I" or "Me" in your daily journal entries". As part of our curriculum we were required to keep a daily journal and at first I thought what an easy challenge this would be, boy was I wrong. This experience helped to open my eyes as to how self-centered we as human beings oft-times are. And when I say we, "I" am mostly referring to "me". With all the billions and billions of planets, stars, and galaxies out there how have we come to the conclusion that we are at the center of it all?

This past month or so my life has become self consumed with my own pains, aches, and ails. I know that the Rx to ease these woes would be to put them aside and go find another who just needs a Hug, physically or metaphorically, and to be the one who provides it for them. I think that is what Christ spent his entire human existence trying to teach us. If only we could learn to follow the council given to us in the scriptures; "lose yourself and then you will find yourself", then perhaps our own pains and woes would seem less empirical, less important. It is important to embrace some form of selfishness, for without it we would never be able to face our inner demons and have the strength to recognize our weaknesses and begin to over come them. However when this inward thro becomes all consuming we lose sight of one of the most important principals taught by Christ, that of Charity.

I have felt some guilt for being so self centered in my posts, however I have recently come to realize that it is all part of the journey. There needs be no guilt, just acceptance and realization that it "Is What It Is" each and every feeling and emotion should be embraced and experienced then let go. My end goal is to become less and less self absorbed, to begin enjoying the journey rather than fighting against it afraid of what may lie at the end. Through dealing with my Fathers death and the way my twin brother has dealt with my coming out I have come to realize that we have no idea what the future holds, what lay at the end of our path. I think it is by learning to enjoy life along the way that one finds true inner peace and happiness not by holding in anticipation to what may or may not be in store at the end. If my journey is able to help but one then every pain, every heartache felt along the way is worth what it took to endure. Possible one day someone will come across my blog and read what I had to share. Possibly that one person will think to themselves, "Man, I thought I was all alone? This guy knew the pain and he made it through just fine, maybe I will to. . ."

The Uncertainty of Change

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of this "Journey" is the uncertainty where relationships are concerned. Let me explain; Until recently I have had a healthy social life, being single, gay and in the closet, serious dating had not been a viable option to fill the social needs in my life. Therefore I have filled my life with friends and family. I have considered myself one of the lucky ones because I had more people whom I called friends than most anyone I knew, and I truly considered them friends. Until recently I have seldom questioned how others have felt about me, I have known that people liked and trusted me. Unfortunately the coming out process has caused me to question these relationships more than I thought I would have to. I have come to realize that tho people care, in most cases there are stipulations and or requirements involved. In my heart of hearts I am having a difficult time understanding how anyone could turn on another simple because of their sexual preference. I have believed that brotherhood/ friendship bonds transcend all and could withstand the tests of time. In the long run this may still prove to be true, but for now it doesn't seem to be.

Most of my friends and much of my family have been OK with my being gay. Only a few have completely cut me off, yet the relationships are just not the same. I knew things would change but I guess I was hoping they wouldn't. Communication with loved ones now comes at my initiation and even then I can tell how uncomfortable many are. Even with those whom love you the most, things change. I know this is a normal part of the process and that I have to have patience and give people time, but knowing this does not make it easier. Not that long ago there was seldom an empty evening on my schedule, now they seem to have taken over. Tho I know people care and love me, the invitations have all but ceased. It's like I'm losing my Straight Life and haven't as of yet "found" my gay one. I miss my old friends and am currently unsure as to who my new ones are. I would like be part of a group again, to develop new friendships and kinship's and fear as a result I am at times over zealous in the process. I hope that my new friends and brothers are able to have patience with me as I realign my life.

A few years ago my twin brother gave me a small magnet which read, "We are brothers by birth, but friends by choice". Throughout the years my brother had indeed become my friend, my best friend and many friends had become my brothers. The changes spoken of above have come with me kicking and screaming the whole way striving hard to hang on to what I had. Three years ago my twin brother started shutting me out of his life, I think he and his wife began suspecting but didn't know what was going on or how to handle it. Their solution was to begin closing down and pushing me out the door. Their reactions have caused me to doubt relationships the most. If your twin, literally your other half can turn on you then anyone can. This is not the attitude I desire and am striving to begin trusting once again. This may not be a healthy view but in being honest with myself it is how I feel. A good friend once told me to be ware when coming out of the closet because life would change. He said that when he came out of the closet, being born again took on a whole new meaning. He came out many years ago and talks of what he and others went through in regards to this process. He believes that people often lose everything and have to start over in the rebuilding of their lives in order to truly accept who and what they are. He believes that when this happens the person often comes through it a much better person than before the process began. Who knows? What I do know is that for the time being I feel like a lone tree lost in the center of a thick forest. I am caught between two worlds, no longer in the one but not yet in the other.

Dad Died Today

If you recall from last week I had started to tell some of my family that I was gay when I found out that my fathers brother had just passed away and decided it best to wait for a few days to talk to mom and dad. This afternoon I called and made arrangements to talk with them tomorrow morning, a couple of hours later I got a call from my oldest brother informing me that my father had just passed away, totally and completely unexpected. He had laid down to take a nap and his heart just stopped.

Gay from the Get Go. . .

I woke up at about 4:00 and couldn't get back to sleep so I turned on the Television and watched the DVD "Christmas Shoes" starring Rob Lowe. I love the song by Newsong but had never before watched the movie. It has been sitting amongst my Christmas collection on the movie shelf for a couple of years and this morning I thought what the heck, Rob Lowe is a cutie why not watch it. Not only did I get to see "Robbie" but was quite touched by the movie itself. I would highly recommend it for those of you have not seen it as of yet. Wholesomeness and Cuteness, dang! you can't beat that combination.

Rob Lowe and Robbie Benson are two actors I like, probably because I had a crush on both as a teen. For some reason watching Lowe caused me to reflect upon a television movie I watched when I was about 11 years old. I believe the name of the show was "Ode to Billy Joe" at least it was a movie adaptation of the song. Like I said I was about 11 at the time and wasn't able to sleep so I snuck downstairs and turned the TV on, found this show and sat to watch. Robbie Benson played a teenager who lived near Choctaw Ridge somewhere in Mississippi. I immediately felt a connection with the character Billy Joe played by a young Robbie. During the movie he and his friends went to the county fair and during their adventures they ended up at the tent row of ill repute. The young teens were going into the tents and visiting the "Ladies" inside. Billy ended up in a tent with a guy in it and experienced his first homosexual encounter. An experience which caused a great deal of shame and emotion within. Living in the South was a lot like living in a Mormon society, one was taught that he would be better off dead than to be a Homo. Billy Joe MacAllister was a self-repressed homosexual, and leapt to his death from the Tallahatchie Bridge out of shame, frustration, and I might add ignorance. I wept as I watched this guy I had just "fallen for" leap to his death. I remember jumping to my feet and yelling "no, don't jump" at the television screen as he prepared to jump. It was the first of a few gay suicide experiences I would encounter in my life. At this young age I could not comprehend why he felt he had to kill himself just because he liked another boy?

How could I have been so naive all these years, I was gay from the very beginning.

Don't Allow the Anger to Consume You.

A good friend of mine was going through some rough times and after crying on my shoulder for a day or two he made the following comment, "I've spend a day or two in tears, now it's time to dry my eyes, see the good in the world, and go help someone before I become so consumed with pain and anger that I allow it to take over".

It's coming to get you?

Ever feel like you've merely stopped to cool your feet in the river and the "Aligator" is coming to ''gobble you up"?

I've been perusing my archive and Dang, the posts have gone down "Funk" lane the past few days. Sorry bout that folks! But what do ya do when you've got all this stuff building inside and there's no place to go? You write about the feelings in your blog. It's a safe venue, the computer screen can't argue with you and tell you that what your feeling has no value. The keys you punch don't argue back, they don't try to get you to see things "their way", they merely allow you to express your thoughts, emotions, and/ or feelings. On the other hand it cannot express any emotion, this thing of plastic, silicon, and steel referred to as a computer has not the ability to give you a hug, tell you your loved, or help convince you that your OK. There are human beings somewhere out there in this cyber-space we refer to as "The Web" who read the things we write and reply with love and concern. To them, Keep it up! Many people have no venue outside of this cyber world or blogoshpere to express themselves and discuss their homosexuality, they need the words of encouragement offered here. People need to understand they are not alone. And dang, this road we are on does at times seem a lonely one. Pulling from the words of a famous author, We have indeed "Chosen The Path Less Traveled. . ."

I knew this was going to be a hard week, but I had no idea how difficult it would in reality be. Things have been fairly strained over the last few years with my family anyway and this has been the icing on the cake as far as many of them are concerned. In their minds, my coming out has proven to them that there were right all along. Thank the heaven's above for reactions like that of my younger bro, he has made the rest hurt a little less. A couple of years ago I began expressing my concerns with the church and some of it's policies. I was not one to rant and rave but for example when my bros and my father were discussing "Homo's" and how they were responsible for the degradation, and or degeneration in our world, and how the "Homos" were going to be responsible for society's downfall if we allow them to continue in their path. . ., I began expressing my concerns with their philosophy and lack of charitable thoughts. I had not as of yet come out, but I knew what they were doing was not right and could no longer keep silent. My family was not pleased with this "New Way of Thinking" and began to warn me of the dangers of questioning the Brethren. From this point on things began to change, family members began pulling away while at the same time pushing me away. My twin brothers wife made the comment to another sister in law that her top priority was the safety of her children and that she would do anything to protect them, even if it meant removing me from their lives . "Protect them from what?" I wondered, as if they thought I was some kind of predator because some of my views differed from their own. Why is it that many so-called Christians have this fear of allowing their kids to associate with anyone who has opinions which may differ from their own. They claim to live the life of Christ and then shout and scream out of anger and bitterness bourne of ignorance. Keep in mind I am referring to my Twin Brother, my other half. If there are any twins out there you know what I am talking about when I refer to the "twin bond". There is a connection that can't be explained. When I was living in Hawaii and he was here in Utah he would always know when I was having a hard time and visa versa. Inevitably I would get a phone call when the day had dumped on me, when I had spent the day in the ER I never had to call and let them know there had been an accident for he already knew and was tracking me down before I had the chance to call. I aways knew that his wife was with child long before they announced it. After moving back to Utah I sat at their dinner table more than at my own. If I missed an evening meal the kids were on the phone wanting to know where I was and why I hadn't come for dinner. In other words, at one time I Was Loved as a family member, until I "started to change" as they put it.

Now? I don't remember the last time I was invited for dinner, His wife generaly gives me the "if looks could Kill" look when she sees me. Once in a while she is able to force herself to be amiable, but that's about it. The separation pains have gone deep and they have hurt over the past couple of years. I thought I had done a good job of accepting the "New Order" of things. However. . . my Twins reaction to our conversation brought all the pain and sorrow back instantly, like a searing hot knife ripping through my soul. I know that this too shall pass, that possibly I am making a much bigger deal out of it than need be, but pain is real and when it is present it hurts. Have you ever felt like you lost a part of you and that no matter what you are able to do and accomplish you are incomplete without it. That's what it's like to have your Twin ripped from you. I guess there's been enough Self Pity, it's time to move on and hope for a better tomorrow where my family is concerned. . .

As I have expressed before I am somewhat of a music junkie. When I get in a funk music helps me to deal with my emotions. This morning I have been listening to my all-time favorite song which was introduced to me by my favorite missionary companion, Elder "C", the name of the song is "Hold On Hold Out" which I believe was written by Craig Doerge and sung by Jackson Brown.

HOLD ON HOLD OUT

Hold on hold out, keep a hold on strong
The money's in and the bets are down
You won't hold out long
They say you'll fall in no time at all
But you know they're wrong
Known it all along

Hold on hold out, keep a hold on still
If you don't see what your love is worth
No one ever will
You've done your time on the bottom line
And it ain't no thrill
There's got to be something more
Keep a hold on still
You know what it is you're waiting for
Now you just hold on
Hold on hold out, hold on

Give up your heart and you lose your way
Trusting another to feel that way
Give up your heart and you find yourself
Living for something in somebody else
Sometimes you wonder what happens to love
Sometimes the touch of a friend is enough

Hold a place for the human race
Keep it open wide
Give it time to fall or climb
But let the time decide
Sometimes you wonder what's in this for you
But you wait, and you see
'Cause it's all you can do
Just to hold on
Hold on hold out, hold on

For the countless souls beaten by their goals
Keep a hold on now
And the ones betrayed by the deals they made
Keep a hold on
If you hold your ground it'll turn around
Keep a hold somehow

Hold on hold out, keep a hold on tight
Tonight's the night
Wake up and turn on the light
You fight, and you're right...
It's gonna take all your might...

You're a hold out
Well I'm a hold out too
But it took me all this time to figure out
Something you already knew
Will love be true? Can it pull you through?
How long? How strong?
Somethings depend on you
See... I always figured I was going to meet somebody here
and I don't know why
Why should love come down and suddenly just sweep me away
I want to fly
But there are so many things in my way

Anyway...
I guess you wouldn't know unless I told you
But...
I love you
Well just look at yourself...
What else would I do?

Hold on...

I'm Tired and Need a Hug

I'm Tired tonight! I'm tired of talking! I'm tired of listening! I'm tired of writing! I'm tired of wearing the "Mask"! I'm tired of trying to keep a positive attitude! I'm tired of family! I'm tired of friends trying to tell me how patient "I" need to be! I'm tired of being told how inherently evil I am! I'm tired of having God quoted to me! I'm tired of being "Told" how I feel! I'm tired of being told that being Gay is a choice! I'm tired of being told how disappointed people are in me! I'm tired of pasting a smile on my face so the world won't know how tired I am! I am tired of hearing the question, how dare you drop this bomb on me? I'm tired of being Tired! I'm tired and I just want a HUG, and there is no one around to hug me! Just in case you can't tell, "I'M TIRED"! lol Sure do hope tomorrow is better!

Morning After

It's the morning after and I just feel sorta Numb!

Told the Family

Tonight's post is going to be short, It has been a long, tiring, frustrating night. I have talked about coming out to the family in the last few posts and tonight I came out to three of my brothers. My twin brother reacted the worst, but to be honest that is what I expected. He had some choice words to share with me, and made darn good and sure that I knew how "disappointed" he was in me. Phooey Bro! My younger brother who lives in the Midwest totally and completely made up for it though. He was truly the righteous one out of the bunch. Kind of ironic that he claims to be the least righteous, while my twin is so proud of the fact that he is not only righteous but also humble. KUDOS Lil bro, you're the real stud in the family! The rest of the family comes tomorrow, parents and all! I know! I need to be more understanding of them if I am wanting them to be the same to me, but dang it's hard to be understanding and feel Christ Like when someone is thrashing on you? Thank You to a handful of wonderful friends who helped see me through this crazy night.

Thorns Only Hurt. . .

I was watching a movie with some friends last night which took place in England during the Revolutionary period. Two young men had taken off their shoes and socks (yes they were cute) and were racing each other across the courtyard. They had been running hard and now were walking slowly along the path when one looked at the other, while ouching, oohhing, ohing, hopping from one foot to the other, and said, "why is that you only feel the thorns in your feet when you quite running". A light went off in my head, EPIPHANic moment. (I sometimes like to make up words) As I look back on my life the thorns have often hurt the worst when I have quite running. Sometimes I run faster than other times, the speed at which I move matters not, for my race isn't against the world, but rather with myself. Besides if I am up and running then it is more likely that I may be able to help pick up another along the way and help them in their race.