I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the wrath and ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.
Sometimes I just want to say "Damn It All To Hell" when it comes to how many people react to my coming out. The saddest part is that the worst offenders are my Mormon family and friends. Why is it that when it comes to this subject they seem to throw the most important teachings of the Saviour right out the window? What happened to Love the Lord thy God. . . and the second like unto it, Love thy neighbor. . . Why is it that the most important teachings of all get so overlooked by so many self proclaimed righteous individuals?
Another Nephew was told that his Uncle (Me) was gay this evening. He has spent the evening in tears and refuses to talk to me. I know I need to have patience, but what I don't understand are Church leaders who know that what they teach is causing people to react this way and yet they basically do nothing about it. Once again, "Where are the teachings of the Savior?
My heart breaks for another nephew because they have to suffer so as a result of what they have been taught.
Like I said, Damn IT!
I am finally in Kansas City and settling in with my new Job. Hopefully Ill have time to share a bit more regarding the abuse I endured as a child. I have had a number of people email me asking why I stopped. It got difficult to write so I needed a break, but think I'm ready to start again.
Parts of this post have been copied and pasted from journal entries written a few years ago. Though life still has it's challenges I am at peace with much of what has happened in the past. I have discovered the Peaceful Warrior within and have finally come to understand that the only thing which I have control of is that which is found within. The adult Rich has finally become the Peaceful Warrior that the child inside has needed to comfort and aid him, to let him know that things will be OK. As every survivor of childhood abuse will witness, there is a child within that is constantly searching for someone to protect him, for someone to hold him close and comfort his cries. We often spend a lifetime searching for this individual from without, trying to find one in whom we can trust, one who will give solace to the child within. It took me a long time to realize that no one could be strong enough, caring enough, "there" enough to give my inner child what he needed. The only way to comfort the child within was to find the comforter within, to allow the adult Rich to become that person. With this in mind here are my thoughts for today:
Memory; a simple yet powerfully complicated word. This word has less understanding for me and has brought more anguish to my life than almost any other word in the English language. Memories have brought joy to my life, confusion, pain, anguish, they have brought tears of ecstasy, they have brought me to the edge of suicide. It would be nice if we had the choice of which to keep and which to discard. For too many years I thought I had control of this act, I thought I could keep the ones I wanted and hide the rest. . .
One of the points that I neglected to mention in either of my two previous posts is that the person who was the "leader" of this group that met at my grandparents was also one of my local church leaders. He was a man of prominent stature within Salt Lake Cities business community, the Church's business ventures, and Local Church Leadership. Many people have asked me over the years why if my stories were true did not this young child ever tell anyone what was taking place. I was constantly threatened not only by those whom should have loved me the most but also by a man who was my local church leader. Perps know how to manipulate, how to use fear and guilt to accomplish their goal of not getting caught.
I was in a room with "Him" one day. I was sitting or rather reclining on a couch or some other piece of furniture. He was good at what he did, he not only knew how to hurt kids but he knew how to make them forget and do what he wanted them to to. While alone in this room with him he was telling me that everything was my fault, that no one loved me, that God would kill me if I ever told anyone. He would tell me that my brother was next if I didn't do what he said. Remember this was a highly educated very respected man in the local community and he knew what he was doing. I remember sitting there one particular day, only this time with my eyes closed, he thought I was under the influence of the drug he had given me, and who knows maybe I was, but what I do remember was this obstinate kid thinking to himself that no one was going to control him and tell him what to do any more. This man thought he was in control but I was going to make a special place to run to every time he came and while in this place he could do whatever he wanted but he could never really get to me again because I had tricked him. You see he had the fake rich but the real rich had run away to his secret place where no one could touch him. At this early age I had learned a secret, a skill which many abuse victims learn to master, that being how to separate myself within myself. This man and the idiots in his group could do what they wanted but they were not going to win, they were not going to get the real me. No matter what they did the real me was always safe. This solution worked for many years, looking back I believe it is what kept me alive. but what works for the child often does not work for the adult. You see I had never processed any of these memories. It was like I somehow took them and created a special box to put them in where they were locked up tight until the box got so full that neither the hinges nor the box itself could not contain them any longer, yet still I kept cramming more and more in until one day it exploded open with "shit" flying in all directions.
The human mind is a funny thing, a song, a picture, a word, a building, a pair of glasses, and most of all for me certain smells all act as triggering mechanisms. . .
. .When I was seventeen I was working at our family restaurant one night when this kid about my age came in to order some food. From the moment he walked in the front door his smell had me. I was not even sure what the smell was but it seemed to grab me and take me to a place I did not understand. If I could have jumped over the counter and put my nose right on him and inhaled I would have just to try and remember what the smell was. I knew that I had smelled it before but for the life of me had no idea when or were. After walking in the door he came straight up to me and, looking me in the eyes, said, "do you know what this smell is?" at this point I was completely taken by surprise. How did he know that I was trying to figure out what he smelled like? How did he know what his smell had done to me? I did not know how to respond so I managed to croak out the word, "no!" the bright intellectual approach. He once again looked me straight in the eye and said, "Sex, what you smell is Sex, I have been having sex all night and all day and the smell is all over me. When you have sex over and over this is what it smells like!" His words were burned into my memory for I knew that I had smelled that smell before . . .
How could an experience be so intriguing yet so horrifying? Part of me wanted this kid to stay forever and let me smell him and another part of me wanted to run and vomit. . .
Years later you find yourself walking down the street and a song is playing as you walk past a building. One second you are as happy as can be and the next you are in an absolute near suicidal panic attack and you have no idea why? One day at church an old man comes up to you and says something, you have no idea what he said but you know that you want to run, get away as fast as you can. Once again you have no idea what brought on such a strong reaction? Through them all you have glimpses into the past but only enough to make you think that you are going crazy, for how could any sane person see the things that you see? How could any sane individual see the horrifying pictures in their mind that you see?
Your religion teaches you that your thoughts are as condemning as your actions and so you do everything within your power to push these thoughts away, you sing hymns, you pray, you read your scriptures anything you can think of that will bring God in and make them go away. You are taught that your mind is like a stage and that you are in control of the performance that is being acted out on the stage at all times. You are taught that it is your responsibility to make sure that only good wholesome plays are acted out on your stage of life. If this is true then why are so many horrifying plays finding their way to your stage? Where are these pictures coming from? You have done a great job at holding these memories at bay for a long time and now they want out. The problem is that you think that you are evil each time they surface so you push them even deeper were no one but you can see them, the only problem is that memories will not be held at bay forever, sooner or later they will find a way out and when you have tried to hold them back for so long they often come out like the flood waters of a broken dam. Everyone needs a safe place, someone in whom they can confide where there is no judgment, no looks of horror as they discover your secrets. The only problem is that abuse survivors find it difficult if not impossible to trust, therefore they (we) are constantly on the search for this person with whom we can share our secrets, yet we seldom find them because we are so unwilling to trust. We often tell part of a story to test how the individual will react and when we don't get the response that we want we freeze up and hide even deeper. I have learned that the secret to dealing with the crap is to finally come to understand that one is not broken, as mentioned in a previous post these Bastards did not have the power to break me. I merely needed to learn how to find and follow the peace. . .
It's been a couple of days since I last wrote mainly because these posts are somewhat more difficult to write than the others have been but for whatever reasons I feel the need to write them. I honestly thought I would never be sharing this part of my life with people, let alone in such a public forum as this. When looking back upon my life I often tell myself; "It is what it is" deal with it and move forward.
Perhaps it is by sharing and talking about this crap that the next step forward can begin.
Beware, for to some it may come across as a bit strong and perhaps Adult rated but remember, It is what it is:
He might as well have been the Devil himself for my step grandfather was a man who got off by forcing children to watch him masturbate, shoving their faces into the crotches of adults, and drugging kids while then tying them up to be used in his ceremonial practices. Never did this man or his cronies care one bit what kind of damage they inflicted upon those whom they hurt. The only thing they cared about was satisfying their own needs, lusts, desires, and psychopathic belief system.
It shall forever be implanted within my mind each and every time these people committed their horrocities, however it no longer haunts me as it has for most of my life. I have finally been able to accept things and move forward. I have realized that I cannot change yesterday and I cannot live a tomorrow which has not yet occurred. The only thing I can do is to enjoy and make good use of this very moment. A good friend helped me to look deep inside one day and realize that nothing was broken, that these inhuman monsters never had the power to break me, to permanently damage me in ways that couldn't be healed. They merely had the power to momentarily control me and cause much pain along the way.
One of the reasons I fear sharing this is because there will be those who will look at these experiences and say to themselves, "so that's what caused Rich to be Gay"! With this in mind some have thought they could "fix" me so that I might give up these attractions and reconcile myself with God and His Church. Those who feel this way do not understand homosexuality. I was abused by men and women alike. I was put in situations that would turn many away from sex of any kind. These were horrible experiences yet deep within I know they had nothing to do with my orientation. If anything they would have caused me to desire celibacy, not same sex attraction.
My grandmother had to have known the evil within this man. One night I was sleeping over at their house as I often did. Grandma came in and woke me up somewhere past midnight, grabbed my belongings and ushered me out the door telling me that grandpa was home and he had been drinking so I had to go home. I remember thinking that she was acting real funny, almost like she was in a panic and terrified. I later learned that he had threatened her life and that of many of my family members if she ever pulled any "shit" on him. Twice that I know of my grandmother had broken bones. One time she told us that she was walking in a parking lot and a car backed into her. Once again I later discovered that both times "he" had beaten her and broken her bones, by throwing her down the stairs.
The first recollection I have of any abuse occurred one night when he made me touch him and watch as he masturbated. I had no idea what this was all about but I knew I did not like it, I was terrified. The second occurrence took place during one of their ritual ceremonies. During the course of their activities clothes came off and the face of a young six to seven year old was forced into the crotch of some old lady. Even as I write this the memory comes alive and I can almost smell the most foul stench imaginable. The smell is what I remember most. Funny how decades later I can be transported back to childhood and literally physically smell what I smelled then. The mind is a powerful thing. One day about six years ago I was sitting in an office as I volunteered time for one of my favorite charities when in walked this woman who smelled horrible. I literally had to leave the room to keep from upchucking. As I walked choking into the restroom the memory of this incidence flooded my mind and soul as if had actually happened only moments before. Some memories are always present, others are buried deep until one day without warning something triggers you within and a new memory comes gushing forth as if the floodgates of hell have been opened wide. I think some memories are so horrific that in order to remain sane the mind buries them deep until one is ready to deal with the ramifications that accompany them.
Im not sure what I will share next for there are many experiences to choose from. . .
To the molestors, rapists, and abusers of the world; Here's To Ya--->
(Not exactly the Christ like love I spoke of in my last post, SORRY!) I want to be loving and kind but the emotions run deep were these individuals are concerned.
I recently read a post on a friends blog Hopes Journey which quite intrigued me. This friend has been working with sex offenders and shared with we readers his perspective on the trials these men face. He had some great points and I will not pass judgment here on whether or not I agree with all that he said, for I am not sure how I feel regarding some of it. Let it be said though that our responsibility as Children of God is to first and foremost "Love the Lord thy God and the second is like unto it "Love our neighbors as ourselves". I'm not quite sure how this fits into the arena where sex offenders are concerned. I leave that decision up to each of you, what I will do throughout the next few posts though is share with you my story:
My grandfather, who was one of the worlds best men, passed away when I was five years old. Whether it was on the rebound or not I am not sure but my grandmother quickly remarried a man who was only a year or so older than my mother. Later in life I discovered that this man had spent the 17 years previous to their marriage in numerous different prisons, including Ft Leavenworth. In another post I will share his story and what put him in prison, for now suffice it to say that he was an evil man.
Grandma married this man in March and by the end of the following summer the abuse had begun. We lived on the outskirts of town, a suburb of Salt Lake. We lived on a few acres of land with my Grandparents living directly behind us. Times were different then, Children roamed freely without parents worrying for their safety. We could be gone for hours at a time without the parents knowing exactly were we where. This proved to be quite beneficial to my step grandfather and his little band of sicko's.
The real horror began one night in August, while sleeping over at my grandparents. My grandparents had invited a friend of theirs who was a psychic over for the evening. There was a group of friends gathered in the basement and I had been told to stay upstairs but my curiosity got the best of me. I crept to the top of the stairs listening intently as the group of adults downstairs went through the rituals of a crystal ball fortune telling ceremony. As the weeks and months went by the ceremonies became more intense. This is the group that my step grandfather eventually pulled me into. The abuse started with him and then one day they invited me into the basement during one of their ceremonies.
Saturday Night I got a phone call from an individual in Kansas City offering me a job. This call came as a complete surprise for I had not been looking for work, my Real Estate career here in Utah has been going well and I had no reason to look elsewhere. I guess my brother got the ball rolling by throwing my hat in the ring without me knowing. At first I told him that I was not interested that I liked my life the way it was. However I told him that I would consider the offer and get back to him. I have recently come out to the world and have met some of the best people within the local moho community. For the first time in my life I have felt like I belonged, like I have actually found family and I have no desire to leave it. By Sunday evening I knew I needed to take the offer, my soul was screaming that this Moho has things to do in places other than Utah. I have two weeks to be packed and on the road to Missouri. My base will be in Independence, MO and I am hoping that there is an active moho community there as well. I know there is a lot of church history in the area and that the church is fairly strong there, and if the 10% rule has any truth to it I should be able to find myself some moho's in MO. That would make us MoMoHo's! LOL Anyway I will keep ya'll up on my adventure with pictures, stories and who knows possible even a romantic tale to tell? I went on line to see what kind of Gay venues there are in KC and discovered that they had a "bathhouse". Not knowing what a bathhouse was I clicked on the link and decided to read some of the comments made by its patrons. WELL, let me tell you, this boys eyes were opened, I really am too Innocent in many ways. Perhaps I shall choose to stay far away from the bathhouse. I did discover that there is a local chapter for affirmation and I sent off an email requesting INFO INFO INFO. I then went on Connexion and noticed quite a few "cuties" in the area so what the hey, I'm off for a new adventure.
I have a brother who lives south of Kansas City and when talking with him about moving closer the topic somehow switched to me and my sexuality. He hym'd and haw'd for a minute and then said "what do I call it when I'm referring to your, uhh umm you know, "sexuality"? I snickered and said that he could call me anything he wanted, he could call me a moho, a queer, a fag, even gay so long as he didn't refer to me as just plain ol Rich. We laughed as he realized that I was telling him that I am just me, gay? str8? it doenst matter, I am Rich! I asked him when was the last time I referred to him as a Hetro ? Though I am definitely Gay, Gay is not who I am, it is what I am. He called me tonight to tell me now excited his wife and kids are to have me coming. Out of a family of eight they are the only ones who thus far accept me, Gay-ity and all.
. . .Before there will be change, "The Old Guard Has Got To Die Off"! Watch the video and think about the impact of this statement within the MoHo community? I don't mean this in a bad way, but I do think that we will see things change when the next generation takes more leadership roles within the church.
Before buying my first diamond I went to the Library and spent a fair amount of time researching diamonds. I then met with a gemologist to get his input on how to find the right diamond, what to look for, and how NOT to be deceived. Good diamonds are expensive and I wanted to insure myself that I was buying the right diamond, that I was not wasting my money on a fake, a forgery, or on a low grade diamond of a value that did not match it's claim. Before embarking upon my research I had gone to a few diamond stores in search of "The Ring", what I discovered was a bunch of men who were out to sell a diamond, they did not care about me nor did they care about the time and effort I had put into earning the money I was about to spend, they merely cared about the "Money" they were going to make off my purchase. It seemed that they were pushing lower grade diamonds that cost them less money at a higher price in order to escalate their profit margin. I was tired of their outward appearance and claims of truth and honesty when their inner soul was full of nothing but greed even at the cost of deception. They were so full of hunger for money that they lied like a closeted gay moho trying to hide his true identity from his family, church and friends. Sorry for the analogy but often a closeted gay moho will do anything to keep these people from discovering the truth. How do I know this? Been there done that as have many of you. Anyway back to the diamond story. I wanted to find an honest salesman but knew that unless I had some connexions, there would be no way of knowing for sure if I could trust the man before me. Therefore I must go in armed with the knowledge and understanding necessary in order to make a wise investment. So I educated myself, found an establishment which was known for selling product at a fair price and went in for the purchase. In the end I came out with a great diamond of good value at a more than fair price.
I have discovered that shopping for Mr Right, IE dating, has quite a bit in common with the diamond shopping game. Recently I have exited a number of Jewelry Stores, metaphorically speaking of course, totally and completely bewildered with what the shop keepers are trying to peddle. I am at odds with the lack of moral standard within the gay community. (OK so it's not just the gay community but that is what I am currently dealing with) Don't get me wrong I am not trying to claim the better than thou, self righteous piety, in your face, your a bad person, everybody be a prude type of thing. I merely want to find someone who respects themselves enough to set limits and adhere to them. Well, at least try to adhere to them, we are all human and fall short of our self imposed standards at times. No problem with that, but when SEX becomes the only object of focus and one is willing to do anything IE lie, cheat, betray friends, etc, in order to fulfill their selfish lusts then that individual has lost the very part of his soul which differentiates us from the beasts. Believe me folks my lusts, my sex drive, my desire to have my desires fulfilled, are as strong as any. Yet this voice deep within tells me that lines have to be drawn, that there are certain things which should be shared only within and under the right circumstance with the right person. It is up to each individual to conclude what and where those lines need be drawn. Why should we as gay men be any different when it comes to standards? Granted the whole sex thing is different when one is gay in our culture. For the str8 man is told to hold to his purity and then one day he will marry and share this part of his life with his wife. He has something to look forward to during his sexually explosive moments when he just wants to get his rocks off. For if he/she refrains he/she may reserve something dear for his/her partner to be. As Gay Mormon Men we are told that we will not have the opportunity to share in this experience during this lifetime, that we must remain celibate and faithful to the end. Within the gay community marriage is not an option to be extended at this time. therefore many say what the hell why not do whatever, whenever, wherever? I do not believe that God desires to withhold this part of life from us, but I do believe that he expects us to hold to certain standards. Exactly what those standard are I am not yet sure but I do adhere to the idea that Promiscuity is not the answer.
Recently I have discovered that one who I looked upon as a true friend has merely been using me to get what he wants. This person has walked over, and through me in order to get to the people who would fulfill his needs. He has used me to try to get to my friends who he "Wants" bad. I have some great friends who I enjoy spending time with. They are full of life and accept me for who and what I am. (And they do not chastise me for doing things such as buying a motorcycle) They think it's awesome that I am going skydiving. They have not forgotten that life is fun and can be full of excitement. I have a great love and respect for these individuals. I am at awe that my friend would try to use me to get to these people when he has nothing in mind other than fulfilling his SEXual lusts, he doesn't care who he hurts along the way so long as he gets what he wants. He is totally pissed at me right now because I refuse to introduce him to my friends. What kind of a person would I be if I set a predator free amongst my friends.
I know I am rambling, the ramblings of a crazed gay MoHo, but these issues have become quite serious to me. I am witnessing the results of some of my friends who are living a dual life, which by so doing contributes to a life of unbridled passion. For much like a pressure cooker when the heat is on and the steam is building the pot will explode if not for the pressure release valve. So I have seen with many of my friends still trying to hide in the closet, the pressure builds until the pot is ready to explode and great will be the explosion thereof sending shards and shrapnel into all within it's path. I believe my friend has so much built up pressure inside that he can no longer contain it and he is in the process of exploding. I believe that in a way coming out is like opening the release valve and allowing the pot to breathe. This is only one of the many reasons I have become an advocate of coming out of the closet.
If I am searching for a diamond of value to share my life then should I not take effort to keep mine own polished and chip free in order to offer another a diamond of value rather than a worn out, chipped piece of garbage which holds no value. Once again I am not suggesting that sex has no place in the dating world, I get just as excited and turned on as the next guy. But seriously folks can't we show some restraint. I find myself wondering how many people feel as I do on the matter or am I merely a prude. I do not agree with the "Evergreen" philosophy but then neither do I agree with the "anything goes" way of thinking. There has got to be a happy middle ground. It is obvious from some of my recent posts that this matter has been on my mind as of late.
This ranting Gay Mormon has gone on long enough so I will end this post, for now anyway! Next post I will return to the diamond analogy.
Today was one of those days when you awake in such deep thought that your mind is going ten million places all at once. I have often imagined what it might be like at the judgement bar when ones eyes are opened and your whole life is placed before you? When I was younger I imagined it might be like watching a movie for all the world to see with people pointing, judging and laughing? Later I thought it much the same but just between myself, God and some of my earthy appointed leaders, who after all had stewardship over the right to help judge me, did they not?
During a person interview with my stake president following my "one day" marriage, the man informed me that he had received a personal witness during his prayers the night before. He told me that the Lord, through the spirit, had borne "witness" to him that the reason for my wanting to end the marriage after one day was that I had committed grievous sins for which I had not repented, that I had "lied" to my leaders during interviews. He went on to tell me that this was my chance to come clean, to tell the truth, to confess my sins before the Lord. He informed me that the day would come when he would "stand as a witness" at my judgment bar and that should I not choose to take advantage of this opportunity to confess my sins that he would profess to the Lord that I had been given the opportunity to come clean and had refused. I informed him that I had committed no such sins, there had been no grievous sins committed for the which I had not previously confessed to the proper church authority. Deep inside I knew he was referring to the fact that I was attracted to men, I thought of all the times I had "felt" bad feelings and thought evil sexual thoughts involving men. I thought that he was referring to one particular missionary who I had experienced some really bad things with, "in my mind". For not once had I acted on these desires, but they were present, and I was convinced that this was why the Lord had condemned me through this stake president. And with the lethal, condemning judgment spewing forth from this man there was no way I was going to tell him that I was attracted to men, I would rather have died first. I knew that I was going to hell anyway for what I felt inside and this was the day I sort of committed internal suicide, I became a walking Spiritual Zombie, no life inside merely a physical body with an empty core.
I lived this way for over ten years before beginning to realize that I wasn't the evil person I had been taught that I was. What a tragedy it is that many good righteous young souls have to live this way when they have done nothing wrong. I hope that any who feel as I did, any who may have already committed internal suicide may read these words and know that they are not alone. If any of you reading this have ever felt this way my desire is that you might know of the life that is possible for you to "LIVE" once you have come to understand and accept the good within. Being a Gay man is not a bad thing, having attractions to people of the same sex is not what is going to condemn you. How you feel about who you are will direct how you feel about the Lord and His ability to Love you, and that will eventually be what either condemns one or opens him up to a wonderful life. For if you loathe yourself how can you come to accept that the Lord loves you? I believed that the Lord loved all, except me, that his atoning sacrifice was available to all, except me. How can one ever truly serve his master when he places such restrictions upon him? For too many years I had no faith when it came to my Elder Brother and his ability to love me. I now know that he does love me, the complete gay, queer, homosexual, SSA, whatever you like to refer to me as, son of God. I am no longer a walking Zombie! The internal Rich has indeed been Born Again and received new life. This is what has happened as a direct result of accepting myself and coming out of my hiding place, the closet as to which it is often referred. Everyday life still has its moments, I often feel like I am riding an eternal roller-coaster, but now there is a foundation upon which to stand when the winds howl and the rains seem to flood my ground.
