Unnecessary Pain

As I read through old posts its interesting to see where life has taken me since coming out of the closet. There is a happiness and peace present that has been long sought but yet there is still the loneliness that has haunted me.

I remember sitting in my office one day after having attended a friends wedding in the Salt Lake Temple feeling extra lonely and knowing that marriage was not something that was coming my way. I was pleading with God to change things and somehow make it so that I too could marry a young lady and experience what all my friends were. I was 25 years old and had attended over 15 weddings so far that year alone, and it was only March. I had a lot of friends and had attended more temple sealings than anyone should ever have to endure. And I was alone. And I was lonely.

Over a decade and a half later I find myself just as lonely. Yes I have accepted the fact that I am Gay, and embraced the life, and for that I am so grateful, yet loneliness is still my constant friend. Last night as I was listening to a friend, who by the way is stricken in love, tell me about how wonderful it is to wake up with your loved one next to you, to wake up to the smell of your favorite breakfast wafting through the air. To wake up your loved one with a tray of their favorite food in front of them in bed. As I listened my heart yearned to have the same. And it hit me with such force that I honestly had no idea what love really was. I have suppressed romantic love and sexual expression for so long that I now wonder if it will ever have a place in my life? Have I killed something for so long that it is now something of the past that will elude me forever? Am I now so blind to it that I actually push it away without knowing what I am doing? I take a look at who I am and realize that I am a pretty normal person on the outside. I was not blessed with eternal HOTNESS, but neither was I cursed with hideousness, My looks are fairly normal for a guy my age. I am successful at my job and make a decent living, drive a nice car, enjoy boating, travel, riding my crotch rocket and generally experiencing a good life. I have set goals to go skydiving this year, ride five of the scariest roller coasters in the world and run some heavy duty whitewater in a raft with a good friend of mine who is a river guide. To make it short I'm not a bad catch. I may not be the hot little piece of eye candy but I am a normal guy who has a lot to offer and yet here I sit. Two decades ago I was the center of attention where ere' I was. I was the guy in the ward that everyone thought would be the next general authority. I was the guy that every woman in the ward over 25 was trying to set up with their best friend and then none of them could understand why it didn't work out between their Friend and I? I do still get the invites to set me up though I now respond with questions like, "do you have a picture of 'him' that I can see. I can't help but wonder what life might have been like had I been allowed to find the man I love and marry him at a time in life when the rest of my peers were finding their mates. I have always loved kids and though I have none of my own I have more that refer to me as "Dad" and or "Uncle Richie" than I can count. I have a special gift when it comes to children, especially teens, I would have made a good dad. Many who read this will immediately want to comment and tell me that you can't live your life in regret or wonder of what might have been, please know that I understand this and don't live every waking moment in regret or wonder. But I also wouldn't be human if it didn't come up every once in a while.

I don't write any of this to complain and scream "Oh poor woe is me"! I write it to express the wrong that is done when a good person is forced to suppress what is a normal desire and basic human instinct for decades, That being the desire to love. And when I look at why I suppressed my desire and need to love for so long I must admit I get a little angry. I try not to allow the anger to become all consuming but admit the anger is there. I want to know how a group or organization of people can claim to be doing what God commands when those actions bring such turmoil and anguish into the lives of so many. I am not speaking solely of the LDS Church here but any group who condemn another because they are different, any group who feel they have the right to deny another that which they are freely allowed because it is different from that which they have.

I don't know if I will ever find love, but I will forever find joy in the love that those who I love find. Because I KNOW what it is like to be alone and without romantic love, I melt inside when a loved one discovers love. My best friend is a ring and a question away from marriage, and though I am a "little" jealous I am happy that one more person has discovered Intimacy, Romance, and a better way. I would love to hear from those who have had similar life experience.

Be Happy: In, Through and Around all the Crap

As with Good to be Free it has been some time since my last post. It is nearing the one year anniversary of my Coming Out to my Family and though there has been some progress the realization and hurt of losing a family reaches deep. My way of dealing with this loss has been to engulf myself in work and to never stop moving. I find myself on the go constantly, seldom stopping to think about those back in Utah and what they gave up when they pushed Rich from their lives. At least that is what I like to think. There are many moments of anguish and loneliness when the memories reach to my core and bring tears to my soul. However I have found a new life here in Kansas and Missouri, a new life that I would not change for anything. If I could have my entire family back tomorrow merely by denouncing homosexuality I would not! Though I miss my Mother, my siblings, (especially my twin bro, my other Half) I cherish my life on honesty and self worth. Though there are moments of sadness, loneliness and at time shear agony I would not go back in the "Closet" for anything! I have a feeling this Holiday season might be more difficult than years past, having lost not only my Father to Death a year ago but also a family. I sometimes think his passing would have been easier had we had a better relationship. I came to accept the fact that my father loved me but did not like me a long time ago and I find myself day dreaming of what it might have been like to have had a father who liked me, who enjoyed being with me. And then I find myself filling with guilt thinking that if I had been a better son he might have. The emotions consume me and I bury them deep once again. I can't help but to wonder what his reactions might have been had he lived only a short time longer when my "secret" was put forth to the world? I recall the times I heard him to refer to "My Kind" as "those Homos" who would eventually be responsible for the downfall of society due to their degradation of the Family Unit. I recall the conversations between he and my twin brother regarding the idea of Homeschooling if and when it ever got to the point where homosexuality was taught as a viable option to heterosexuality within the public school system. The realization hits that my Father would have been either my greatest supporter or my Greatest Enemy. Either he would have realized how miserable he had help to make his sons life or he would have thrown me to the wayside more readily and speedily than did others in the family. The saddest part is that I honestly have no idea which way he would have reacted. I honestly do not know if my father loved me or despised me? I would like to think that he loved me but could just never show it? Then I think of his relationship with other siblings in the family and realize that he did know how to love, just not me? Then I think of a comment my older brother made before I left Utah. He told me that just prior to Dads death last December Dad told him that the family was going to have to learn to be more accepting and tolerant in the near future. My brother looked at me and said, "I think Dad knew you were about to come out and in his own way was trying to prepare not only the rest of us but himself as well". There have been some instances such as this where I have hope that my family may come to accept things. Then they seem to forget regress to earlier ways of thought. When I think of the closeness that used to exist I realize that life was literally a lifetime ago. Now it is I who has but up a wall, part of me longs for a call or a text, an email, Anything from Anyone in the family and then another part of me wants nothing to do with them. For if I allow them back into my life, if they should so desire (which they do not) then I also allow for the possibility of them hurting me all over again. Talk about a Dichotomy? A good friend reminded me of a Quote from the words of a Great Being, those of Yoda, which I shared with him not long ago: "Train yourself to let go of that which you fear to lose the most". With that I shall close this post reminding all it's readers that even with all this pain I must once again reiterate that I am so grateful that I am now out of the Closet! I chose to allow the possibility of losing that which I loved the most and feared to lose the most in order to LIVE my life. I shall always be open to the possibility that I am wrong but my heart tells me that God created me this way and that He is very pleased with the fact that I have finally accepted the being which he created, that I no longer fight and try to change that which is good. And maybe, just maybe the day will come when my family understands this? And if not, well. . . then I shall enjoy my life regardless, thanking my maker for helping me finally come to understand the good God created when he created this Gay Soul. And if the day comes that I discover that I have misunderstood this concept? Then hopefully the Atonement of my Savior will take effect? If not then nothing really matters anyway, and that is one thought that I try to avoid. So for now I choose to be Happy: In, through, and around all the Crap!

Dang It's Good To Be Gay

As I watch my hetro friends and family I often sit back and shake my head while asking why? Men and women are so different. Men never want their women to change and women want nothing more than for their men to change. I know there are some fantastic hetro relationships out there but as for me and mine;

I'm Dang glad to be Gay!

Someone to Love . . .

OMGosh I just watched the best movie! It's about a boy who lived through hell yet never gave up hope. About two adults who found love, got lost, and finally saved a boy.

If you want a tug at your heart moment find "AUGUST RUSH" settle down with someone you love, snuggle up under a blanket with a bag of popcorn your favorite drink and prepare to have your heart touched!

As I watched this movie it caused me to reflect upon how I want someone to love and someone to love me back. Someone to snuggle with as we watch a movie. Someone to cry with. Someone to laugh with. Someone to hope with. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to go on long bike rides and or walks through the park with. Someone to cook for. Someone to comfort when they're down. Someone to comfort me when I'm down.

SOMEONE . . .

.

Why I felt the need to tell the Family. . .

I met with a new group of friends last night and one of them asked me if I was "Out"? If so how long and what the experience was like. After sharing briefly my experience of coming out to the family last December he asked me Why? Why did I even have to come out to my family? He had a problem with those of us who felt the need to tell others about our sexual orientation. I told him that I finally got to the point where I was so sick of living a lie and having to constantly worry about hiding everything that it was time to bring it out in the open. With me the timing was not good, but to be honest it would have been about the same no matter when I did it. People were beginning to find out about me and I knew it was only a matter of time before they began talking to members of my family. (people love to rush in with some big disclosure to the families of someone they "care" about) I had attended a widely publicized multi-faith gay religious gathering and had been filmed by three news camera's which had my picture on at least one of their nightly news programs. I knew that someone was going to see me and start talking so I decided that I wanted my family to hear this particular bit of news from my lips first. As I have noted in previous posts I am not the "Sassy Gay, In your Face, Accept me World, Wo is Me" gay man, however I am no longer the Milk Weed, Walk all Over Me, Hide behind the Mask, Self Loathing person I was for way too many years. My Coming Out has indeed upset the false coherency, outward appearance of security and the seeming unity within in my family. Yet at the same time it has brought more inner peace to my soul than anything I have done. It has opened a new door for those that follow in my footsteps. I know of at least one member of my extended family who is dealing with these issues and the day will come when the time is right for him to come out to his family. When this happens I hope that his parents will handle it with better love and understanding because of what they have experienced through my coming out process. In other words I sincerely hope that what I have gone through has helped to pave the way for the next generation of Gay Human Beings. It will be interesting to see where my family goes from here in their journey to acceptance of their Gay son, brother, uncle, etc. . .

As a side note my this man I met still can't understand why so many of "Us" feel the need to tell our families? If only he could feel of the Freedom which accompanies the honesty! I on the other hand am having a hard time understanding why we have to feel that we can't be honest about who we are? To me this is the question we ought to ponder, not why we want to be honest with our loved ones.

Married, Gay, Temple Attending Mormon

I have been hearing stories of a Man who is in a full gay relationship who was just recently given his temple recommend and who is a "Full Practicing Gay Temple Attending Mormon". I have not given too much credence to the story knowing how much we as humans and especially as Mormons like to pass on hearsay. However I met this man and his partner last night and was enthralled by his story. I share this story only because I got it str8 from the horse’s mouth so to speak. I will not share details like names and locations out of respect for those involved. For the purpose of this post I will refer to them as Joe and John.

Joe is a member of the LDS church and John is not. Joe spent many years away from the church after having served an active LDS mission. During his time away from the church he attended Seminary and received his Pastors certificate in another faith. This is a lifetime appointment and is not taken if one chooses to leave the faith. During this time he met his partner to be, John. The two of them moved to the state where they currently reside. Sometime during this time period they were legally married in a state where Same Sex Marriages are performed. They live together as Full Partners with every "advantage" that attends marriage. In other words they have a very full active sex life. Sometime along the way Joe decided that he would like to begin attending the LDS church again. To make a long story short he was soon back into full activity and fellowship within the church. His Bishop, His Stake President, and the High council have been fully aware of his Partnership from day one. His partner is not LDS and does not attend church with him but does attend most any and all church activities and once in awhile a church service with Joe. The two of them have home teachers who visit regularly. Most important to note is that his local church leadership are fully aware that he is living with his partner, that they were legally married in another state and that they are enjoying the "benefits" of marriage (sex). Joe then proceeded to tell me of the recent renewal of his Temple Recommend and the regular use thereof. Once again I am not sharing my own story but that of another. He has shared this with me first hand and unless he is lying the story is valid to the best of my knowledge. I would like to find a way to tell for sure if his story is accurate? Does anyone out there know of any similar experiences?

Five days later: I haven't been able to verify this story as of yet but I am definitely working on it. It doesn't make logical sense but then who knows? I'll definitely keep you updated.

Fallen

Have you ever fallen for someone who you can't be with? IT SUCKS! It feels like your heart is ripping apart and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Your body aches to the core. Your stomach swirls and twirls and it hurts! For most of my life the gals I dated fell in love with me and then couldn't have me. My Mom always said that someday the tables would turn on me and that I was going to fall for someone I couldn't have, little did she know it would be with a man. I'd rather break my leg at least the codine would help ease the pain. Oh well it is what it is, Accept it and move on. . .

P.S. Other than this glitch Life is pretty darn good!

I may not be Beautiful. . .

I might not be the most beautiful person or have the perfect body. I might not be the 1st choice but I am a GREAT choice. I don't pretend to be someone else because I am too good at being ME. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done but I am proud of who I am today. Take me as I am, or watch me as I go!"